My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and it’s going very well, I love him very much, it’s by far the best relationship I ever had, and we’re starting to talk about moving in together, but there’s one problem: he doesn’t think I’m beautiful, and it’s affecting my mental health.
So, I think he’s perfect, inside and out. He’s handsome, funny, sweet, intelligent, generous, caring, everytime I look at him I think “how did I ever pull that” cause I think he’s way out of my league, I just feel so lucky to be with him. He doesn’t feel the same.
He says that he loves my personality and that I’m smart, and that sex is top tier and he never had any so good with any other girl, but when I asked if he thinks I’m hot he said no, he thinks I’m pretty and he likes me but he cares about personality more. This came up because while chatting about exes he told me about this one girl he had a short fling with and he said when he saw her he tought she was stunningly beautiful and that she was out of his league and felt proud he scored with her even if the relationship didn’t develop cause they didn’t like each other on a deeper level, I jokingly asked if he felt the same about me and he said “no, when I first saw you I thought you where pretty but it’s your intelligence and personality that made me fall for you”.
Now you have to keep in mind, I have huge self esteem issues. I always felt ugly, in middle and high school I was constantly bullied for being ugly, classmates would tell me to unalive myself cause I was so ugly they couldn’t look at me, so physical appearance is a sensitive topic to me. Whatever little self esteem I had I always got from my relationships. So him saying that basically destroyed whatever good opinion I had of myself.
He noticed I got upset and said he was confused, he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to me, he said “I get that you got bullied but I never said you’re ugly, I said you’re pretty but I like your personality more, is it really that important to you that I think you’re the most beautiful girl ever?” I don’t understand how he’s not getting this, he once told me one of the reasons why he has low self esteem, other than the fact he never had much success with girls and that no one other than his mom and grandma and me ever called him handsome, was that his ex (not the short fling, the only girl he had a serious relationship with) whenever he said “why are you with me you’re too beautiful for me” would say “cause I feel good with you” instead of “cause you’re beautiful too” so he should get me, should he not?
I understand this all sounds silly, and I like that he loves my personality. But I honestly feel like he’s the most perfect guy ever, both inside and out, and I just wish he felt the same about me. Instead, I now feel like he settled. He said that’s not true, he does feel lucky to be with me, but not because of my looks.
This is crushing my self esteem. I’ve never felt uglier, I wish I had money for plastic surgery, and it’s also making me very jealous, something I’ve never been.
How do I get over it?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
>So, I think he’s perfect, inside and out. He’s handsome, funny, sweet, intelligent, generous, caring
>This came up because while chatting about exes he told me about this one girl … felt proud he scored with her
So sweet!
>
In middle and high school I was constantly bullied for being ugly, classmates would tell me to unalive myself cause I was so ugly
Uhhh, well that’s not good.
>
But I honestly feel like he’s the most perfect guy ever, both inside and out
We have different definitions of perfect.
He might be with you because he has low self esteem and doesn’t think he can stand next to or maintain a relationship with other women. You should address it and make sure that’s not the case.
It’s so hard when someone you care about doesn’t see your beauty, especially when it hits you where you’re already hurting… but I want you to know, your worth isn’t tied to what anyone else thinks you look like, and while working on how you feel about yourself might take time, maybe start with something small like writing down three things you like about yourself every morning, it could help shift your focus from outside approval to inside strength.
You get over it by leaving and getting with someone who thinks you’re hot, because someone will! All of us are hot to someone.
Your partner is supposed to make you feel like the most gorgeous, beautiful and stunning woman to walk the planet. Even if you’re objectively not.
It isn’t even a big ask if you love someone and are in love with them, because love makes you see that person through the lens of adoration, so it’s not hard to see that person as being stunning inside and out.
He isn’t remotely “perfect” if he is driving your self-worth into the dirt like this.
No one is worth this amount of pain.
Dude. You don’t fall in love with pretty, you fall in love with cool.
Probably a good time to go talk to a therapist about your self esteem issues if you haven’t already. If you don’t work on them now, they’re gonna get worse, whether you’re in a good relationship or not. Not to mention if you ever have kids, it’s a thing that’s really easily rubbed off on them, even if you don’t mean to.
I fully agree that it’s important to be with someone who finds you attractive, but I feel like he’s just not phrasing it how you want him to phrase it. It’s hard finding a guy who wants someone for who they are. If you have a healthy relationship outside of physical appearance, communicate hey it hurts me when you say this and not this. If he’s receptive, keep him. If not, you can find someone who loves every aspect of you and respects your feelings.
If you going the plastic surgery way there is a big chance you end up really ugly, like alien ugly, i have a feeling you wont have a clear vision on reality and that will make you go overboard with everything untill there is no way back..
Your bf worded everything terrible and yes he should definitely know why because his self esteem sounds like its matching yours… But I do get what he means…
Having said that, its not his job to fix your self esteem issues, thats yours. So imo you can definitely talk to him about how he said what he said and how it is similar to his painful experience but you need to start working on yourself also..
So he thinks you’re pretty and smart and all these wonderful things, but you’re offended he doesn’t think you are hot? I understand wanting to be hot, but looks fade and emotional connection is what makes relationships last. If you want to be with someone who thinks you’re hot, but not worry about the other things, your relationship won’t last.
This is also why you don’t ask certain questions. He can fully love you think you are beautiful, but because he doesn’t feel exactly how you want, it bothers you? He can’t help how he feels.
So he said this to you knowing it would hurt you? I personally can’t comprehend why he would even say this to you. OP I think the line comes at how he is making you feel by these comments, what is gained by either of you from him deciding to tell you he doesn’t find you beautiful? It doesn’t seem like something a loving, caring partner would say.
You leave and let the next woman be lucky. 🤷🏾♀️
Looks fade. He appreciates you. The problem is you’re not happy with you and you’re blaming him. If he is not verbally abusive why make this an issue.
My husband wasn’t attractive to me when we first met but you know what he was perfect and as we got to know each other and build a life/relationship. He is the best looking thing walking!
At the very least you should hold off on moving in together. A 5% shit sandwich is still a shit sandwich. That mindset of “im lucky to be with him/hes out of my league” is also a very corrosive mindset to have because youre putting yourself down and secondary to him.
The problem is the words have already left hos mouth and are going to worm in your head as long as youre in this relationship, probably longer. At the very least consider if this relationship is worth it (hint: if its destroying your self worth its not) consider spending some time single and working on some mental and emotional growth to become a better person
Do you want the truth or a lie? He didn’t say you were ugly he said you were pretty but there are things about you he is more attracted to. That’s the best answer for a longer term relationship. We all will get older and look less objectively beautiful as time goes on. Being into somebody for MORE than how they look, is what you want.
Girl, dump him. He’s mentally manipulating you. He’s not a good person.
Wow. If my girlfriend said that she didn’t find me attractive, I’d leave her immediately.
You need therapy. That’s how you get over it.
Your looks improved as you got older. You should be happy. Some people stay average or below average their entire life when it comes to physical appearance.
What if he says your beauty is unmatched, but he mentions some other flaw?
Is the issue your appearance, or the fact that you want to be perfect for him?
By breaking up with him??
Find a different boyfriend who believes you are.
I think you need to get into therapy for your self esteem issues. It isn’t his job to make you feel hot or value yourself. You also need to recognize there will always be people prettier and uglier than you but what really does matter is what’s inside. Looks fade, surgery doesn’t fix this.
That being said, he could’ve worded this better. It sounds like he finds you to be pretty and attractive but he was overly honest in saying you’re not the hottest female ever and that is hurtful. We want our partner to say we’re the most attractive to them. You all may benefit from couples counseling if you can’t work through this communication yourselves. He needs to understand your past trauma and be more aware of how he says things to you. He doesn’t get a pass to be hurtful.
Are you 30 or 13?
If you are cool with settling, then settle. That’s what this would be.
Men seem to do this when they have their own self-esteem issues. I had a husband who didn’t have a lot of self-confidence and it was taken out on me when I would try to have some. It affected my mental health. He never wanted to change or try to. I left and never looked back. It had changed my mindset and leaving that negativity really helped!
While I’m sure you’ll get many comments saying “dump this idiot” (which I don’t necessarily disagree with because someone that loves you wouldn’t say such dumb shit about other women they’ve been with) But why are you asking him things like “do you think I’m hot?” Why can’t you just believe that he loves you and wants to be with you? I’ve had boyfriends that weren’t “hot” but I loved them for their total package. I’ve had boyfriends that in their past have had “sexier-looking” girlfriends than me. I would never consider asking what they thought of my looks, I just assume they are attracted to all of me, it’s ok to live in ignorance.
I think he is trying to be honest with you and tell you that there is more value to you than your looks. He probably thinks saying yes, you are the most beautiful woman on the planet will come off insincere. Which it is. I think what he is saying is a far bigger compliment.
I would recommend some therapy for you to deal with your insecurity and not allowing it to damage your relationship because you need certain things to be said.
My wife is the love of my life. Every part of our relationship is great and I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. If she asked me if she is the most stunning woman I’ve been with, no she isn’t. But I don’t need her to be the most beautiful women on earth, because that means nothing. I just need her to be her, exactly as she is and feel powerful that she doesn’t need to conform to societal beauty expectations to feel wanted and needed and loved.
I also used to feel insecure and needed this validation. But one day my wife stopped me mid sentence and said I just really like who you are as a person. And honestly no other compliment will ever compare.
Your guy sounds great and it sounds like you need to give yourself a little self love to get past and enjoy what sounds like a wonderful relationship that’s based on more than how you look.
You get to decide if this matters to you or not. No one else can say “you should be happy he said you were pretty and likes your personality.” If that isn’t enough for you then it’s not enough.
To me this is a compatibility issue. You want someone that views you as the total package. He feels you should be satisfied being appreciated for what he does see in you, even if it isn’t everything.
I think a long term relationship is much easier to maintain when both people feel like they’ve hit the jackpot. So I personally wouldn’t settle for someone that doesn’t view me that way.
Oh, this guy sucks. You know he’s negging you, right? There’s no way he got to nearly thirty years old without realizing that your girlfriend isn’t the right audience for musings on how hot your previous hookups are. That combined with him telling you he doesn’t think you’re hot or beautiful paints a very clear picture of who he is and what his intentions toward you are. He likes that your self-esteem is low, and wants to keep it that way.
I realize that he’s the best guy you’ve been with so far, and that this is your best relationship to date, but that doesn’t mean either is any good. Instead, it’s a damning indictment of your romantic history.