I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. On the surface we have a good relationship and he ticks so many of my boxes. My friends love him, my parents love him, and they always say how lucky I am to have found him. But there’s one aspect that’s been bothering me for years and I’m finally realizing how much it’s impacted me.
I’m extremely nearsighted. My prescription is -14/-15 and without my glasses, I can’t see my hand if it’s an arms length away, so I’m basically blind and dependent on visual aids to function.
Over the years, my boyfriend and I have somehow developed a norm in our relationship that taking off my glasses became his way of initiating sex or intimacy. He never asked or said anything, he would just remove my glasses. I’ve asked if I can please keep them on for the time being but he doesn’t listen. Sometimes he takes them away before I’m even awake- If i reach for my glasses and they’re not on my nightstand, I already know what’s coming. Afterwards he gives them back and it’s become our unspoken pattern.
Now that part I don’t mind so much, I can put these down as his kinks, but the part that bothers me are times where he’s held on to them as part of foreplay and making me ‘beg’ in a way he found playful, and teases me on how thick my glasses are. I hated it, it’s demeaning and makes me a feel a little humiliated about my eyesight.
It stopped feeling okay a long time ago. The more I think about it, the more I realse he’s always in control- when it starts, when it ends and when I get to see again.
A few days ago, I finally said something. I told him (very nicely) I didn’t want my glasses to be part of our sex life anymore, and what’s been happening made me feel vulnerable like he was taking advantage of my dependence on them. I even said it was starting to feel like he was exploiting a disability. I literally can’t function without them on my face- it’s not kinky, it’s just disabling.
He got defensive immediately, told me I was accusing him of something horrible and attacking his character. We argued and fought for hours, both of us angry and eventually went to bed without resolving it.
The next morning, when I woke up, my glasses were gone. When I asked for them, he said “Since you think I’ve been taking advantage of your disability, let’s see how it really feels to be disabled” and left the house. I eventually found them with in the kitchen with one of the arms broken and one of the lens has fallen out and after crying myself back to sleep, I spent the day trying to fix them.
Now I’m here typing with them crooked on my nose, one hand holding the frame together to keep the lens in place, trying to figure out what just happened. I genuinely love this man and he’s been amazing in so many ways but for some reason need me blind and powerless to be intimate with me, But I’ve lost trust, and sense of safety, however a part of me really want to fix this, move on and make this work. How can I approach this going forward?
tldr boyfriend won’t stop taking my glasses when we have sex. When I asked him to stop, he broke them.
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You leave him.
Just the fact he broke your glasses knowing you can’t function without them is grounds for a break up. He clearly doesn’t care about your safety, just leave before things get worse.
How you approach this going forward is you get new glasses, you break up with this abusive asshole, and you move on with your life and never think about him again.
This is abusive and dangerous behaviour. He’s purposely disabling you, making you powerless and flat out ignoring your “no’s”. This is no different to him tying you up against your will. The fact that his reaction to you telling him you felt vulnerable was to actively make you more vulnerable and dependent on him makes this an incredibly dangerous person.
This is abuse. You make an exit plan and leave ad safely as possible. Please be careful.
Leave this abuser yesterday.
Step one: change the locks and put his shit by the door. Call the cops if he tries to intimidate you.
Step two: get new glasses.
He’s abusing you and loves abusing you. Run away. Run. Run. Run.
Do you want Reddit to give you permission to leave this older guy who is abusing you? I bring up age because he’s too old to be doing this kind of stuff (really any age over 7 is too old to break other people’s stuff and my 3 year old nephew would say even he’s too old for “tantwums “)
I would have suggested a safe word for when you’re serious and want your glasses back but after reading it all, you need to leave him. I rarely will jump to that, but there is no excuse for what he did and it is usually an early sign of more violent behavior or power dynamics. He abused you, plain and simple. By his own words, he “disabled” you as punishment for setting a sexual boundary.
I felt sick reading this. Also you can order multiple pairs of cheap glasses off of Zenni.
wtf? Run.
So he… Abused you further? Wtf?
His deliberate act of breaking your glasses was punishment for setting a boundary. You’ve been gaslit into believing this was “playful” when it was always about control. This is not love. This is domination. You’re not overreacting. This is abuse.
The man you love is also the man who broke your glasses to teach you a “lesson.” That duality is real and dangerous. Your boyfriend escalated from coercion to destruction when you spoke up. Next time could be worse. You cannot “fix” this.
Therapy is critical. This man conditioned you to accept violation as “normal.” He gets off on your helplessness and that will never be love. You deserve a partner who cherishes you, not one who breaks you to feel powerful. LEAVE HIM!
You’re legally blind but don’t be blind to the situation. I’ll tell you how you got here. Because you’re in a relationship with someone who has mocked your disability, taken advantage of your sexual autonomy and does not care for your consent, and will weaponized your disability against you. Hindsight is 20/20, do not stand for it.
Your bf is a POS. Kick him out
So if you got laser eye surgery he would what, blind you? Or maybe just break one of your legs or arms?
This behavior is insane. He’s being crazy at you. Imagine if any time you felt horny you handcuffed your boyfriend. You don’t talk to him, no hey babe wanna, just handcuffs mean sex, you don’t have a choice. Now imagine you did it while he was sleeping. He asked you to stop one day and you handcuffed him to the bed and then left for work, to “show him how bad it could really be.”
Let me ask you a question, do you feel like shit about yourself? You worship this guy, but do YOU feel better about YOURSELF being with him? That’s a thing that happens in healthy relationships. They don’t fix you, but they do help you feel better about yourself. If you’ve noticed your self esteem plummeting from being with him, is it worth it? Would being with the best man in all the world, a literal walking god, be worth it if it meant you hated yourself? No. It wouldn’t be. Let your friends and family date him if they’re so in love with him. You need to look out for you.
This is abuse. I hate that he did that to you
He’s abusive. Leave.
This is abuse. He is taking away a necessary medical device without your consent. He IS doing something horrible. Call a friend or family member to help you get new glasses and escape. His actions are dangerous.
This is not okay. He gets turned on by you being helpless.
He broke your disability aid. It’s not okay and you don’t deserve it.
PS- he’s not an amazing guy at all. If he were, he’d immediately apologise and stop the behaviour that’s upsetting you, not get defensive and retaliate.
It’s a form of dominance and control for him. Now that you exposed that trait, and want to “take it away” from him, he decided to take away from you, what he perceives as power over you.
What he did is straight up abuse! I wouldn’t put it past him to do worse after reading that. You need to leave/get out.
In no way does he care about your safety if he broke your glasses, KNOWING you can’t see without them.
This isnt a situation you need to “fix”.
I didn’t think it was too bad and he was just being dramatic because he is guilty of using it as a kink, but WHAT THE FUCK he took and broke your glasses so you can actually feel Disabled? That’s absolutely insane. You need to leave this pos. The fact that he thought this out and followed through and didn’t come back shows he doesn’t care about you like he should. You deserve better
Honey please leave this man, jesus christ i didnt think he was that bad til i got to the last 2 paragraphs. All this man wants is control and this could get dangerous. LEAVE WHILE U CAN
Im not normally one to advise someone to break up over a reddit post. This is an exception. Leave him.
This is abusive and you have to leave him
He is disgusting and abusive. I agree with everyone else that you need to leave. Please let your parents in on this so they can help you escape the madness. And check out WhereLight for some great deals on new glasses.
UpdateMe!
Carefully and secretly leave. Next time he might break something worse. You.
UpdateMe!
Whoa, girl, I am so sorry. But him breaking your glasses and hiding them is ABUSIVE. A HUGE red flag. You need to get away from him ASAP. This man is not safe. I am so sorry. A safe man would have heard your concerns and adjusted his behavior accordingly, he would not have lashed out at you like this. That is horrifying.
This is abuse. This is not love. Girl, run. ❤️
…………… He’s never let you see during sex? You’re literally not allowed to decide for yourself? Holy fucking shit, I’d be scared of him.
I have never gasped at a Reddit relationship post before, but oh my god. That was callous and vicious and put you in a horrible position. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship where my partner would exploit my handicap without my consent and then abandon me. That’s heartless and cruel
You calling his behavior out really, really got to him. He’s now decide to take the mask off and show you his true self.
Don’t think on the good times. They’re only going to hold you back from what you know needs to be done now. Thay man you thought you knew is gone now. The veil is off. Be strong because you’re going to need to be.
Tell your friends and family what he did to you, see if they still “love him”. That guy seems nuts!
You leave him before the abuse gets worse. Do you have family you are close too? Please call them and tell them what is happening to you.
First he takes your glasses and it’s silly, then he takes them until you beg, then he takes them and breaks them, then he hurts you. You need to leave. Seriously leave. I say this from the bottom of my heart as a child who watched her mother die at the hands of her father, you need to leave when he isn’t home and cut your losses. Time spent with him, money to move, ignore all of that and just get out and get somewhere safe. Please get out before you start justifying other things. It’s never like the movies where it’s obvious red flags. It starts small and playful then they push your boundaries and see how you react, then they push more and try more. Next thing is they snap.
y’know, at first, when I read this I was just thinking he’s being a dick, but it could just be him misunderstanding how it makes you feel & a bit of a kink for him. but when I read he broke your glasses….. yeah, i’d get out of there
Hey so I am very kinky and an essential part of kink is consent. He never asked for that, and when you explicitly revoked it, he retaliated. That’s straight up abusive. Leave immediately. Tell your support network what happened. They will be horrified on your behalf.
Jesus tapdancing fuck, leave this asshole immediately. He does not love you. He doesn’t even like you. He’s putting you in physical danger and obviously doesn’t give a crap about you outside his weird control fetish.
The way my jaw just dropped. Please leave him. He does not care about you at all.
Leave his ass
Get your glasses fixed, get your belongings and whatnot, and run, and run far
That’s abusive. That really sucks.
Fixing it stopped being an option the moment he decided to hide and break your glasses.
Leave him. With time and therapy you will realize he wasn’t actually ever a great guy ( you’ve just been gaslit and abused for so long you think it’s normal).
Also no one should be telling you that you are lucky to have found any partner. It’s so normalized and so often a reason someone didn’t leave when abuse started.
My wife has a prescription very similar to yours. Reading this made my fucking blood boil. Get away from him, today. Like before he gets home.
Your boyfriend has just escalated to being seriously abusive. He took your glasses and broke them on purpose. He is an awful person who takes pleasure in leaving you feeling vulnerable, and he’s taken that to a whole other level now. It’s time to leave this relationship.
Mine is only -6, and I would be livid. It becomes difficult to balance without my glasses for more than 10 minutes. I cant drive. I can’t find things.
Please, get away from him.
Insane, inexcusable behavior, you should get him to pay for them and say you’re going to stay and then leave him. Say some shjt like, anyone would be able to see how fucked up that behavior was. Tell you family and friends about this if they think he’s a good guy, and if they truly care for you, they should be the ones to believe you, not him. I mean clearly you don’t have glasses anymore so they should be able to see that at least, right? Why would you break them on your own? This kind of action is only the tip of the iceberg on who this man truly is inside.
I’m gonna be so honest you have to leave. A man who would do that to you doesn’t love you. Imagine if one of your friends told you that her boyfriend crushed her hearing aids. You would say girl leave! I don’t usually comment on these posts but this is despicable.
This is abuse. Leave him.
Imagine moving a paraplegics wheelchair and leaving it broken.
Imagine taking someone’s hearing aids and snapping them in half.
Imagine hiding someone’s prosthetic, and leaving it damaged.
Aside from the weird glasses/sex thing and making you beg just to be able to see (wtf is that shit) – deliberately breaking an item you rely on to function is abusive af.
I’m willing to bet if you scratch the ‘surface’ where the relationship is good – there’s a whole bunch of these types of thing he does to her.
This story went from Velma fetish to abuse so quick. If it were me, I’d be moved out by the time he got home.
“A few days ago, I finally said something. I told him (very nicely) I didn’t want my glasses to be part of our sex life anymore, and what’s been happening made me feel vulnerable like he was taking advantage of my dependence on them. I even said it was starting to feel like he was exploiting a disability.
He got defensive immediately, […] We argued and fought for hours, both of us angry and eventually went to bed without resolving it.
The next morning, when I woke up, my glasses were gone. When I asked for them, he said “Since you think I’ve been taking advantage of your disability, let’s see how it really feels to be disabled” and left the house. I eventually found them with in the kitchen with one of the arms broken and one of the lens has fallen out and after crying myself back to sleep, I spent the day trying to fix them.”
Functional adults don’t become defensive, have tantrums, and break things when nicely asked not to do something. That’s gross and weird, and that’s before we even CONSIDER the possibility that it was endangering your physical safety. I’m concerned that he will escalate this kind of cruel treatment.
Extra pair in glove compartment or hidden in house
How is any of the things he has done forgivable?
Please explain to me to thought process of moving past being left vulnerable, by your own partner, who is supposed to empower you?
Girl the sex part surprisingly is the least horrible part in all that.
Leave.
You tried to ask indirectly for a long time, then when you were direct he felt attacked.
And when he felt attacked, he attacked you back. Making any little boundary you want to set so overwhelming.
He’s trying to make it impossible to ask for any small thing.
Doe he do this in any other areas? Cause this is not ok.
I have worn glasses most of my life i’m a -4.5 so compared to you i have 20/20 vision. If my partner did this to me ONCE without my expressed approval I’d end things.
Forget about how you approach this moving forward. Why do you want to be with someone who controls your sex life in this way? Why do you want to be with someone who punishes you? Why do you want to be with someone who ignores your wishes and hurt feelings?
I’d hope if you told your family he broke your glasses and left the house they wouldn’t support you staying. He sounds like a POS and the sooner you leave the better. I’d be TERRIFIED going to bed every night wondering if my glasses will be there when I wake up the next morning.
Run! He’s clearly showing abusive behavior. There’s no way back.
This will not end well.
Sorry not sorry , IN ADVANCE- YOU either place time in fixing your glasses or you will spend more time attempting to fix a person who’s mentally unstable & abusing every inch of your mind,
The fact that your rethinking that you want to make it work is sickening that he could possibly already have that much control over your thoughts, emotions etc. Wake up !!
You’ve been captured by the patriarchy. I hope you escape soon.
Wwwwhat? This is crazy.
You need to leave now, pack a bag of important items, call someone you trust and leave. NOW not today and not tomorrow now.
I have bad eyesight, I’m only at -4 in both eyes, and I could not imagine the emotional and actual distress I would be in to have someone I TRUST to do something to me by HIDING a necessity. It is ILLEGAL to drive with that prescription and bo glasses, he stranded you and he knows that. He made you vulnerable and IS taking advantage of a disability. Your eyesight, and your safety of mind know ing you have control of where your glasses are. Because I’ve just lost them behind the nightstand before and I freak out and it’s SO hard finding them. He knew what he was doing and it is time to leave.
Fuuuuuuuuck this guy. DTMFA.
🚩🚩🚩Abusive asshole alert. It will NOT get better. You CANNOT “fix him.” Make a plan to get out and follow through.
I’m sorry dear… you have to leave him. Breaking your glasses is well past the point of no return. I think that point happened a long time ago. The guy is reprehensible for behaving this way. Please do the right thing for yourself.
what the fuck. this is like a whole new type of coercive control.
He has shown his true colors by dismissing your feelings and doing exactly what you said bothered you. Plus he broke your glasses! Please confide in your family and friends and get their support to leave him. I dont think this can be fixed.
Do you have a backup pair? Get one for all circumstances. Better to be prepared than blind.
Good luck
I’m still trying to process what I just read.
First, at some point he should have checked in with you months ago with how you are sexually feeling…whether or not you were actually uncomfortable or if you were into being so vulnerable and just playing along.
It’s shocking he didn’t bring that up after the first couple of times of you two having this theme in your sex life. Some couples do fall into repetitive sexual patterns and continue on with a broken line of communication…so I was semi understanding of the both of you falling asleep with hurt feelings and a much needed morning conversation with his head being clear.
I thought he would wake up and apologise profusely and maybe he would be the one posting on Reddit for feeling like a POS who repetitively violated his GF by not reading her discomfort as actual discomfort.
But the fact that he did not and you are here posting and questioning the future of your relationship is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry OP.
I’m absolutely mind blown that he broke your glasses and left you alone to find them yourself….
Him telling you “let’s see how you really feel to be disabled” is monstrous.
Hurt people may hurt people, but what he did and said is beyond words and unforgivable. You need to start loving yourself first. No man that has empathy and love in himself and for you would do something so cruel.
I’m honestly not sure if glasses count, but breaking/stealing medical devices you need like a wheelchair or prosthetic is assault and abuse. I would hope glasses you need to see also count.
Please get yourself safe from him. What he did isn’t love.
Also, not sure of your rx but I get glasses from zenni.com and they have good prices. Might not be the best frames if you’re on a budget, but they start at $7 and then add the lenses.
I can see there are many comments already. But my two cents. My ex boyfriend would take my glasses off and chuck them across the room when he was upset at me, or when he wanted to scare me. It took me years to realize this was actual abuse. OP, this IS abuse. It’s terrifying to have your ability to see taken away, and it isn’t okay. Please leave it will not stop.
Only one thing .. RUN
It’s time to leave. The minute you challenged his controlling behavior, he escalated to abusing you and breaking your (I imagine, expensive) glasses. There is no coming back from this. He doesn’t like you or care how you feel, he tried to make it your fault and mocked you. Why would you even consider repairing this relationship? What apology could he ever offer that would make up for humiliating you and leaving you in a vulnerable state?