A little backstory, due to my mental health issue and my personal trauma with my birthday, I never celebrate it, until this year, since it came a few days after Eid (my bday is April 3rd). So, I invited my 3 close friends to my house on april 3rd for this pseudo birthday party slash eid celebration cake gathering thingy. I have been posting my baking attempts on group chat because we are excited about it, but I noticed my 30F friend, let’s call her Cassie, haven’t post anything on group chat since Eid (March 31st). I didn’t think too much of it, as I know Eid must’ve been busy.
Then, on April 2nd, sadly my cat got violently ill all of the sudden. I texted the group chat saying that I’m taking my cat to vet clinic, and they understandably worried and ask for any updates. Anyone except Cassie. About an hour later my cat died and they continued to talk to me on the group chat, again, anyone except Cassie. Then 30 minutes after I told them about it, Cassie privately messaged me saying she was sorry that she had to skip my birthday on april 3rd because she’s going to the beach with her family.
Now, I am not upset about her skipping my birthday. Things happen, schedule may change, and her family can plan whatever they want whenever they want, even for last minute trip to the beach. I was a bit sad, not gonna lie but it was because the timing unfortunately was not good for me, grieving and in need of my friends. But what bothered me is she didn’t even mention my cat even once, as if she didn’t even read the group chat. I was worried. Perhaps she mute the group chat because I was overbearing and oversharing and didn’t expect such big news happened.
I couldn’t think clearly. But I wanted to think this through calmly and thankfully the other friends in our circle offered to come on April 3rd anyway, if I wanted. And ofc I was very happy about it. At least, I thought, I’d have another people who could help me think about it more carefully and wisely and I could never know how well I’d function when I am still grieving.
I decided to keep my birthday gathering as scheduled and had a blast. I told them about the situation and also asked them if I might be in the wrong here, as our friend Cassie was known for not voicing her frustration on us and leave us on cold shoulder until she feels better, then act like nothing happened.
They were understanding of where I was coming from and said they were glad I didn’t confront her immediately because apparently, Cassie was angry with them, let’s call them Anna and Ruth, because they didn’t visit her house for Eid celebration (March 31st) despite her never verbally inviting them and was ambiguous about whether she’d actually celebrate it in town or not. She stated that it was ‘something you guys should’ve figured out already’. So, when I told them Cassie cancelled on last minute, it was most likely because she didn’t want to meet Anna and Ruth yet, and she completely unaware about the passing of my cat because she has been refusing to go to our group chat since March 31st.
The dots started to connect and it was quite a revelation. They said that ‘we have been putting up with her childish antics for too long’ and we also admitted that the main reason was because neither me, Anna, or Ruth wanted to break our friend group because one of us get in bad term with Cassie, and it’s more important for me to keep my friendship with Anna and Ruth, and vice versa.
It opened many conversations about negative experiences we had with Cassie separately over the years, and we decided that it might be the time to explain to her the problems. It was ironic, that she wished us to understand her cryptic cues but she couldn’t possibly understand blatant social cues from us and brushed them off as us jokingly calling out her quirky habits.
We decided we no longer able to tolerate her childish behavior, but we want to give this friendship a chance, still, esp since we already booked a trip abroad on September that couldn’t be refunded.
How can we have a group conversation with Cassie about this issue without making her feel attacked or ganged up on? I want to address this problem but don’t want her to feel cornered.
TL;DR: friend lied to me so she can skip my birthday since she didn’t want to meet people she was mad with, turns out she’s been problematic to us individually over the years