My (30F) husband (33M) is going through a midlife crisis and wanting to uproot our entire lives to move to another state. How do I handle this?

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As the title states, my husband and I have been married for about 2 years. He recently went on a trip and came back questioning everything (his job, his family, our relationship). He told me he is unhappy in his job and he is unhappy with where we live (which is part of the questioning our relationship because I want to stay where we are). However, because he is so confused with everything, he isn’t even saying that he loves me anymore.

We live in a midwestern state with harsh winters (which I also am not a huge fan of and get seasonal affective disorder each year). His job (and most jobs in his field) are remote positions whereas mine is not. My career is typically a low-paying career, however, I have found a job where we live where I get paid well and the workload is very manageable. My job is a government job which has amazing insurance benefits, a pension, a strong union, good amount of vacation time. I genuinely love my job and can see myself retiring at this job. Although I am not a fan of the winter, because of my job, we have been able to travel the world and can take vacations in the winter to help break up the winter blues.

I also have my friends, family, and established support network here. I’ve never really had luck with making friends and the idea of starting over is terrifying to me. My parents are aging (in their early 70s) and I’m only a 2 hour drive away in the case that something happens. I am also the executor of my parents’ wills and am the “manager” (I can’t remember the term) of a trust that their house is in. This person needs to be in-state otherwise, you have to pay a ton of money for an in-state law firm to manage it. My siblings live out of state, so they can’t do it and there isn’t anyone else that we trust to be able to do it (my parents cannot play that role because of the laws in place).

Despite these factors, my husband thinks that moving to a different state is going to make a difference and we will be much happier. I have told him that I am not even considering this until we work on our relationship. We’ve been in couples counseling for about a month now, and have found that to be helpful in opening up lines of communication. He also is seeing an individual therapist. I’ve been seeing a therapist for several years working on myself and my anxiety and have made great strides with my mental health.

He wants to move to one of the blue high-cost living states. My husband makes decent money for where we live, however, I don’t think it is enough to survive in the states he wants to live in. I’ve researched positions in those other states and I would immediately take a 50% pay cut (not exaggerating) with a job that is most likely going to be much more stressful. In addition, I’d have to transfer my professional license to another state, which can take months. I would be giving up my career that I’ve worked so hard to get and the thought of giving that up, my friends and family up, and the life we’ve built is terrifying and not something I want to do. I am proud of how much I make and of the work that I do and don’t want to risk taking a major paycut to be in a job that I hate with no support system.

I love and care about him so much, however, I am scared about giving up my career and it all blowing up in my face.

TLDR: I believe my husband is going through a midlife crisis and he wants to move across the country to a high cost of living state (the jobs in his field are remote positions) where we have no support network and I have to give up my job that I love and take a 50% paycut. I don’t know what to do.

Comments

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  2. Low-Agency2539 Avatar

    This is an excellent situation to handle with your couples counselor, they can help pick this apart and see what’s actually going on

  3. atbftivnbfi Avatar

    His plan makes no sense for you at all. And there’s no reason to believe he will be happier after a move. Keep up with all of the therapy. If he tries to push you to move, be clear that it is nowhere near time to make that decision.

  4. kindlypogmothoin Avatar

    Ask him how he plans to fund this move. And how he plans to make up for your lost income and the associated costs involved, because you’re not going anywhere unless it’s at least a fully lateral move for you, including moving costs, housing costs, taxes, income, benefits, promotion potential, etc.

    He’s the one who wants to move, so he’s the one who has to figure it all out. Make him sit down and research just how much it’s going to cost to pack up and move without an employer funding things and maybe he’ll lose a little steam.

    Whatever you do, do not help him with this in any way. He wants to move, he does all the legwork. You already have a good job in your area and can afford to stay put. Which means you can also afford to let him go.

  5. AdhesivenessCold398 Avatar

    People who have their happiness conditional on “when XYZ happens” are never happy. He’s gotta sort that out within himself.

  6. CharlesDudeowski Avatar

    Send your husband on an ayahuasca vision quest in Peru or something, sounds like he needs some perspective

  7. YMMV-But Avatar

    I think you should keep going to couples counseling because you don’t seem to know a single reason that your husband wants to move to another unnamed state. I assume he has his reasons and a specific state in mind, and you both need to understand the goal of moving and how the destination meets that goal. You both, not just you, need to understand the downsides and risks of the move.

    As for your parents, are they in poor health? I am biased because I have known a number of people who lived past 100, but in my view, staying put for healthy parents in their 70’s “just in case something happens” is a poor decision. Live your own life. Maybe nothing will happen for decades. Maybe something will happen tomorrow. There’s no way to predict that.

    If your parents’ house is in a trust, it sounds like they have appointed you the successor trustee, to manage things if something happens to both of them. I don’t know where you live now – I live in one of those cold midwestern blue states, my property is also held in trusts, and I am unaware of any rules around the trustee or the successor trustee living in the same state as the property. Many people put their property into trusts because they live in a different state than the property, and it simplifies the management of their estate.

  8. Grouchy-Storm-6758 Avatar

    Suggest to him, that he go ahead and move to the state of his choice, get a small apartment and job. To see if he likes life there.

    And you will stay where you are, maybe downsize (to a smaller apartment) maybe not, and keep working and progressing in your career.

    Give him a time frame to revisit this situation (6-9 months), along with scheduled visits to see him and the new place he picked.

    Then decide if you want to move there or not, and if there are jobs in your field there and do they meet your pay requirements, and what, if anything, that means for your marriage.

    Take those 6-9 months to save as much money as you can. And plan for the possibly that things don’t work out.

    Maybe even speak with a lawyer, because in some states, you have to live separately for up to 12 months.

    Good luck

  9. throwaway_sparky Avatar

    Ah the old “novelty” will fix everything 🤣 I struggle with it, because, ADHD.

    But there is a neurotype that believes new/different/ something will scratch that brain itch, the itch in this case is hubby wants to move.

    He won’t be happy until he does, and you have plenty of reason to not go.

    Out of curiosity, “rock paper scissors” the decision. If he is too quick agree to that as an appropriate decision making method, get him screened for ADHD

  10. AuntyVenom Avatar

    Hey, tell him that we blue states don’t want him. Seriously

  11. lawyer-girl Avatar

    I’m kind of concerned about the trip that caused all this. Can you please tell us a little more?

  12. Jazzminebreeze Avatar

    I haven’t even read the comments yet. But here’s my take from a woman in her 60s. It is too young for your husband to be going through a midlife crisis if he is only 30 years old. It is not a midlife crisis. It is a crisis of not happy in his life most likely his job is not fulfilling. Could also be he doesn’t like the seasons in the Midwest. And he’s not happy in his marriage. Moving up and out of your life and going into another state a blue state that’s expensive is not going to answer any of his questions. I’m assuming he wants to live in California? The state of that’s that place is horrendous, the cost of living is off the charts and you’ll be going through a big change for just moving out of the state. His home unhappiness is not going to be solved because now he has sunny days 365 days a year. You’ve only been married to him for 2 years I’m assuming you have no children. If you are happy where you’re living and you feel secure in your position and job, your support system I would not be uprooting for a man that is wanting to just change his life cuz he’s going through a midlife crisis . This is pure nonsense don’t destroy your life because he’s temporary temporarily unhappy in his

  13. Sondari1 Avatar

    Moving to California (besides the expense) means being seriously at a risk of wildfire. My friends in Oregon and Washington with seasonal affective disorder all have “happy lights” that help them wake up in the winter, brighten their days, and help them feel like they’re in Arizona.

  14. Impressive_Pride_220 Avatar

    Sounds like the move is only beneficial (minimally) for him. I agree with everyone else saying this is a couples therapy topic for sure. I would not let another person put me in the position of giving up my support system, built resources, or financial stability. No thank you!! You will be vulnerable and if things do not work out, then you will spend years building it back up. BTW I do wish you both the best. Tough situation.

  15. SnooWords4839 Avatar

    Either couples’ therapy or a divorce.

  16. stuckbeingsingle Avatar

    You need to get couples counseling. If you are unhappy with moving, then you need to tell him that you don’t want to move.

    My uncle made my aunt and their kids move from a suburban area to a rural farm area. They ended up getting divorced less than 10 years after the move.