My husband and I got married 8 months ago and as all couples we have had our ups and downs but came through. Our marriage was an arranged one.
However, no matter what there is something that bothers me that makes me have this weird icky feeling when he’s with his mom.
I found out that he was sleeping with his mom on the same room with adjuecnt beds. That also I found out by chance after we’ve dated for like nearly 7 months.
So once I found it out I told him it was a deal breaker for me and I would like to stop the relationship without proceeding further into the point of marriage. I mean in my mind it’s very abnormal and weird. As his father was also living in the same house but in another room. It’s like the mom and son slept together and the dad is separately in another room. They shared the same bathroom, the same dressing table, with his and hers products together. Her perfumes, his perfumes every single thing. Shared the same cupboard. It’s basically like a married couple’s room but the only difference was this was mom and son.
At that time he cried and begged me to stay saying it was a normal thing for him, he has done it since he was a child. His sisters were in another room so since he was alone his mom has slept with him. He did change rooms after this and I was in love with him so much that I couldn’t say no to him. I thought that since he has proven that he did the change I’ll give him a chance and see. Like he’s not a bad person, he’d do anything to make me smile and cares for me a lot. He found a girl after being single for a very long time.
They have this other apartment in another city also, there also I found out that also by chance that whenever they visit that city the mom and son share the same bed. That apartment has 3 rooms! 3 rooms fully furnished. That also I asked him why, he got pissed off and told me because there were no sheets on the beds on the other rooms.
Now even though he’s married to me, his mom makes demands like, fix her car, do this do that, drop her there, pick up from here. Take her to doctor’s appointment. Let’s say all these things are okay, like okay she’s the woman who raised so I’ve never told a word for any of these things. When he’s not there she like shouts at him infront of me saying, “you should be near me, where have you been, you have to stay with me, what took you so long”. Oh and when we travel together it’s the mom that goes and sit on the front like the wife. I’ve been taking up so many things during all these months, now I feel like my head is going to explode with all the stress and the bitterness. I’m like always angry now. Once I couldn’t take it all and we had a very ugly fight.
It’s like now I don’t want to even see them together. Am I the one who’s thinking wrong here? Is this normal, the thing that goes between the mom and the son. How can I let my bitterness go away.
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Of course he cried and begged for his own way. That’s what small children do. That and sleep with their mothers.
I am more bothered by the fact you still married him
This is 100% not normal.
It is a reflection of his mother’s pathological behavior. Probably has a personality disorder as she totally uses/exploits him for her own emotional needs at the expense of his healthy development (boundary violations, limited empathy, exploitative, parasitic, totally enmeshed with him etc.)
I feel sorry for him, as he has been groomed his entire life within this grossly inappropriate relationship.
However, if you can’t have a healthy relationship with him, you should end it. You cannot make someone see the dysfunction of their other relationships if they DON’T want to see it, which will forever prevent growth/change.
This isn’t just weird. It’s emotional territory that no son should share with his mother. You’re not bitter. You’re reacting like any sane woman would when her husband still acts like someone else’s little boy. You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking to be the wife in your own marriage. And you deserve that fully.
Theres a tv show called “I love a mommys boy” that sounds very much like this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKcGCNmfdaQ
I have absolutely zero shock that you are feeling the way you do. It is one thing to do it until he met you and that be his new normal, but to carry on doing it is another thing.
It is VERY hard to break a man away from his mum when they have this dynamic.
Edit/ I forgot the part that my husband gets a lot of credit card offers at hotels. For all these things his mom has gone with him for night stays and all.
This is emotional incest. It’s a very unhealthy situation. He needs intense therapy and distance from his mother to overcome it. If he refuses, divorce him. It will only get worse when you have children.
Everyone I’m kindly requesting you all to not take screenshots of this and post it to social media as he is in other platforms. Does not use reddit. It would go for a much bigger problem if he sees this.
Don’t have children with this man. They will be at risk of being grooming victims too but by him.
I think it’s acceptable up to a certain age. My friend lived in an apartment when we were in HS and her brother slept in her parents room. But the parents slept together. They just had a small apartment and when he got older, he was able to get his own space. I think he has a type of separation anxiety. I would personally find it very weird. I would definitely talk and let him know that these actions are causing resentment and bitterness and if it continues it will lead to divorce or a very unhappy and miserable marriage for the both of you. Maybe show him this post and how many people see that it’s a tad inappropriate,
OMG, this is unhealthy!
Bottom line, you shouldn’t have gone through with this marriage.
This man is clearly very co-dependent on his mother, and it sounds like she has no plans for that to change.
Unless something drastic changes(like her dying), you will most likely never be his priority or focus.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but you did kind of make your own bed. Now you have to choose whether or not to lie in it.
It sounds like it’s time to move far away from his mommy.
Your husband is already married- to his mother. You are the other woman in this marriage.
Two words, emotional incest
You are NOT thinking wrong, this is NOT normal! I don’t think you’re bitter. I think you have a better understanding of a healthy relationship and are just responding as such.
Is he willing to work on the issues surrounding his mother? He needs to be willing to go to therapy and acknowledge that the relationship he has with his mother is not ok.
Honey that’s not your husband. That’s her husband.
Unfortunately it seems you have married his mom too.
It’s just gross and makes me want to vomit. As a mother of two sons, i can’t imagine doing this. I don’t think people talk enough about mothers molesting children, but it happens and I wouldn’t put it past her that she’s assaulted her son.
He is married to his mother and you are the side piece. Please start planning your exit immediately
Not normal above Reddits pay grade. He needs a therapist pronto and boundaries set with his mommy. I don’t think that’s something you can live with (I couldn’t and it sounds like you can’t as well), and if so – you need to communicate this to your husband RIGHT NOW!
At some point most teenagers stop wanting to cling to parents
This is disgusting. This is so Norman Bates. Ewwwwwww. Please divorce this man. YUCK!
Where is your FIL? Why isn’t he acting like a husband to his wife?
Why did the husband allow this abuse/infantilization of his son?
“There weren’t any sheets” is a hell of a reason to justify sleeping with your mom in the same bed as a grown ass man!
I don’t know where you live and if couples therapy is a thing or how much you as a divorced woman would be villainized. I think this can be fixed if your husband is made to understand his relationship with his mother is abusive. But even if this happens, your relationship may be beyond the point of return.
I’m so sorry OP.
I’m not sure what you want us to say. You knew it was wrong from the beginning, but you were “so in love” that you let it slide and accepted it. No, it’s not normal. Period.
Arranged marriage? Or forced marriage?
You voluntarily married someone who slept with his mother till he was 34?
Not normal but gross, really gross.