TLDR: I found out (not by snooping) that my fiance (30M) found me unattractive when we were friends before we dated, and told his best friend about it. Do I have any right to be upset?
My fiance and I were friends for around 6 months before we started dated. He asked me out, and he’s been an extremely loving partner and frequently shows me that he finds me attractive and desirable. We’re around two years into our relationship.
Yesterday, both of us were sitting side by side, on our laptops, trying to book tickets for a trip we were planning. So we frequently kept looking into each other’s screens to look at a tour I found or a cheap hotel he found. He was also texting his (male) friend on the side – this friend was telling him about a new girl he’d just met, how he was considering dating her seriously, and he wanted my fiance’s advice. My fiance had been giving me all the details periodically. He also had WhatsApp notifications on his laptop, so I could see messages popping up. At one point, I passively had my eye on his screen since I had no luck finding a good hotel. His friend was spamming him with meesages. One of them read: “even you thought [my name] looked bleh when yall first met”. Another read: “So does physical attraction even matter”. And another read: “But u said u were spoiled by [his ex’s name].
My fiance quickly dismissed the notifications and I pretended to not be paying attention. But I’m deeply hurt now, knowing that he not only found me unattractive, but told his best friend about it (who I have also grown close to). I have opened ip frequently to my fiance about my body image issues and he has always made me feel good about myself, but knowing that he did believe I was ‘bleh’ at one point, when I looked exactly the same, is upsetting.
But do I have any right to feel upset here, given this was months before we even flirted, he only disclosed it to his best friend, and he shows me ample love right now?
Comments
You can be upset about it but what exactly are you hoping for? Have you spoken to him directly or you planning to just bottle it and be resentful forever more? Physical attraction does grow. Do you value immediate attraction more than attraction that has grown? Immediate attraction is nice insofar as it’s an ego boost and might make you feel that you have general or conventional appeal to everyone, but insofar as a long term relationship goes I’m not sure it matters since the same way attraction can grow as we get to know someone, it can also decrease or disappear. So what really matters is the level of attraction they have with you right now and the way that’s being nurtured to continue growing.
I think you should talk to your partner about this, he clearly finds you extremely attractive now and physical attraction builds over time. People also get way hotter as you get to know them.
Me and my partner have had this convo before, neither of us are objectively super hot but despite that we both find each other insanely attractive. It builds over time, even if when we first matched on the apps she and I didn’t have the best pictures and on the first date I wasn’t like whoah she’s like a model.
But I thought she was cute and now I’m in love and she’s the sexist person I know. And vice versa for her. Just talk with your partner about it, I’m sure he’ll tell you something similar
I understand why you feel upset and it hurts but at the same time physical attraction can grow. Someone may not be physically your type but the more you get to know them the more you find them attractive.
You definitely have the right to be upset, but men say stupid things when they are together. Lots of guys talk down on women that they know they don’t have a shot in hell with.
You should say you saw his friend’s message and clear the air though- especially since you are engaged to this man.