My girlfriend (29F) and I (30M) have been together for 1.5 years, and for the most part, things are great. We have so much in common – shared hobbies, interests, even childhood experiences and similar political/moral beliefs. We genuinely enjoy spending time with each other’s families and we love each other deeply.

However, once or twice a week, we fall into a really frustrating argument pattern, and it’s starting to take a toll. I’m hoping to get some advice on how to handle these better.

Our Typical Argument Pattern:

It usually starts with a random conversation where I say or do something she doesn’t like or misunderstands. Then, it spirals like this:

1. The Trigger: We’re talking, and I say something.
2. Her Withdrawal: She gets quiet because she didn’t like or understand my response.
3. My Inquiry: I notice she’s quiet and ask what’s wrong.
4. Her Explanation: She tells me what I did or said that upset her.
5. My Apology & Understanding: I immediately tell her I understand and apologize.
6. The Deep Dive: She continues to explain why it hurt her or why she didn’t like it.
7. My Repeated Apology: I repeat that I understand and apologize again.
8. The “Why”: She goes even deeper, questioning my reasoning and intent behind what I said or did.
9. My Clarification: I try to clarify my reasoning and intent.
10. The Accusation: She then tells me I’m being defensive and not empathetic.

This cycle can go on for over an hour until we’re both completely exhausted and have nothing left to say. Arguments usually resolve with an acknowledgment and an apology before bed or the next day, but it feels more like a truce than a true resolution.

I’m feeling really stuck on how to navigate this. It feels like my attempts to apologize and explain just make things worse, leading to accusations of defensiveness. I want to understand her better and stop these arguments from escalating.

Does anyone have advice on how to break this cycle? How can I respond in a way that truly helps her feel heard without being accused of being defensive?

TL;DR: My 1.5-year relationship is great normally, but once or twice a week, small disagreements spiral into hour-long arguments where my girlfriend accuses me of being defensive and unempathetic, even after I apologize and try to clarify my intent. How can we break this cycle and resolve conflicts constructively?