My girlfriend (29F) and I (30M) have been together for 1.5 years, and for the most part, things are great. We have so much in common – shared hobbies, interests, even childhood experiences and similar political/moral beliefs. We genuinely enjoy spending time with each other’s families and we love each other deeply.
However, once or twice a week, we fall into a really frustrating argument pattern, and it’s starting to take a toll. I’m hoping to get some advice on how to handle these better.
Our Typical Argument Pattern:
It usually starts with a random conversation where I say or do something she doesn’t like or misunderstands. Then, it spirals like this:
- The Trigger: We’re talking, and I say something.
- Her Withdrawal: She gets quiet because she didn’t like or understand my response.
- My Inquiry: I notice she’s quiet and ask what’s wrong.
- Her Explanation: She tells me what I did or said that upset her.
- My Apology & Understanding: I immediately tell her I understand and apologize.
- The Deep Dive: She continues to explain why it hurt her or why she didn’t like it.
- My Repeated Apology: I repeat that I understand and apologize again.
- The “Why”: She goes even deeper, questioning my reasoning and intent behind what I said or did.
- My Clarification: I try to clarify my reasoning and intent.
- The Accusation: She then tells me I’m being defensive and not empathetic.
This cycle can go on for over an hour until we’re both completely exhausted and have nothing left to say. Arguments usually resolve with an acknowledgment and an apology before bed or the next day, but it feels more like a truce than a true resolution.
I’m feeling really stuck on how to navigate this. It feels like my attempts to apologize and explain just make things worse, leading to accusations of defensiveness. I want to understand her better and stop these arguments from escalating.
Does anyone have advice on how to break this cycle? How can I respond in a way that truly helps her feel heard without being accused of being defensive?
TL;DR: My 1.5-year relationship is great normally, but once or twice a week, small disagreements spiral into hour-long arguments where my girlfriend accuses me of being defensive and unempathetic, even after I apologize and try to clarify my intent. How can we break this cycle and resolve conflicts constructively?
Comments
Wow sounds like my bf could have written this about me 😅 does she have a history of trauma/toxic relationships/emotionally weird parents? Is she feeling stressed out in general lately? When I get like this I am almost always triggered and experiencing a fight/flight/freeze response and am unable to trust anyone to the same degree I may have trusted them two seconds ago. It’s a trauma response to something in the past that somehow related to something that just happened in the present – could literally be as small as a certain phrase, scent, facial expression, song, combination of any of the above and not listed here, but that something provoked a memory that shuts me down and cognitively I’m back in survival mode. It’s horrible for everyone. I try to communicate all this but sometimes it all gets jumbled up in the moment and we just can’t understand each other and need to take some time to calm down separately so I don’t get even more overstimulated etc.
If your gf has similar emotional baggage…hopefully the above helps you understand a bit better and have a different angle to discuss together. Good luck either way!
What are you saying that triggers her?