As the title states, I’m in a bit of a tough situation here. Little backstory here.. My girlfriend and I met almost a year and a half ago, I quickly new she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with; she is funny, smart, independent, extremely attractive, has a great group of friends. We thoroughly enjoy our time together, I can count on one hand how many times we’ve fought, and both of us are very confident in ourselves and our plans for the future (e.g. just went to tour 3 different condos this weekend, we talk constantly about getting engaged/wedding plans, etc.) All in all, we have a very solid relationship and foundation. I plan to propose in a few months and am in the process of buying a ring.
Last night, while she was doing some laundry she found an earring that doesn’t belong to her. She immediately walked into the bathroom where I was getting ready for bed and told me what she found. She gave me a look of distrust, for the very first time of our relationship. She asked me if I knew anything about it and I told her, honestly, that I didn’t know where it came from and there had to be a simple explanation for it.
Almost all of her past relationships are fraught with a cheating partner. She also caught her mom cheating on her dad via facebook messages about 5 years ago, which has given her a lot of trauma around the subject.
At first, I was pretty upset at what the implication was, but I quickly realized how triggering this had to be and to be frank, it really wasn’t a good look at all. We spent the next 30mins to an hour discussing where it could have come from; she texted her friends to see if it was there’s, maybe it got wrapped up in a beach towel or one of her bags, maybe old clothes that hadn’t been washed in awhile which had an old girlfriends jewelry in it- we tried to think of everything. The confidence that this would quickly be put to rest did not happen. Slowly we crossed them off the list, no clothes that we hadn’t worn in awhile, friends texted back not theirs, etc.
She cried for a long time and we talked some more, she cried some more. I assured her that I plan to spend the rest of my life with her and would never do anything to hurt her/jeapardize our relationship in this manner.
What can I do to give her more assurance that I was not unfaithful? Is there any other ways this might have got there that we haven’t thought of? I really do not want this to fester and cause trust issues. Hopefully some “ah-ha” moment happens soon, but it’s increasingly unlikely.
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has anyone else ever done laundry in the machine she was using? previous tenants?
You looking for us to help you with an excuse to get out of this?
You given her access to your phone to help ease this situation?
Dump her, she’s toxic…DIVORCE, DIVORK!!1!1n!
Sorry, too much Reddit. That is a tough situation. To clarify, where exactly was this found? In clothing? Did you ask your mom or her mom if it’s theirs?
Is there any chance it was picked up by you or her off the ground and forgotten about? Is there anyone you know that has a thing for you and would intentionally want to harm you by planting this?
If you did nothing wrong, there is nothing to worry about. If she’s got trust issues because she’s gone through some messed up events before, that has nothing to do with you, it’s her responsibility to heal from them.
Let her look through your phone
I mean, how does something like that even happen… I can’t imagine what she must have been feeling when she found that earring, it’s got to be so confusing and scary for her, but you’re clearly trying your best to make things right, maybe take some time to talk it through calmly and reassure her, because love is worth working through stuff like this, even if it feels heavy.
It’s sounds like even if you two came up with a logical explanation for the mystery earring, your gf will still have this seed of doubt due to her past experiences. That can be a major hurdle to overcome.
I would continue to search for a reasonable excuse for the earring, but I would also go the extra step and suggest seeing a couples counselor. It may seem like overkill at the moment, but to your point, your relationship has been solid up until now and you two may not have had the opportunity to navigate a bump in the road. Additionally this will help your gf with trust issues as well as helping you understand those triggers more in depth.
If you’re already talking about marriage, you may have moved forward with couples counseling anyway (like pre-Cana). It’s truly helpful and if you suggest this now, it also shows your gf how serious you are about the relationship and that there’s no reason for lack of trust between you.
You’ve done very well already. You put yourself in her shoes and understood how hard this could be. I think you just have to continue to tell her “I understand why this could make you distrustful. I want to find ways to show you that I’m committed to this relationship and wouldn’t jeopardize it.”
There’s honestly only so much you can do. Keep trying to identify where the earring came from but also keep trying to reassure her about your feelings in general. See if you can box those in to some degree to prevent it taking over your life. For example, you could ask her if we could spend a dinner just trying to enjoy your time together before going back to the search.
What’s the ”cheating” version of how it would have gotten there? That the side piece put it in the dryer? Why? That it got caught on your clothes? That could happen to both of you without having to cheat. I think it’s a different story if jewelry were found just laying about somewhere.
I was at a concert on Friday and someone literally got an earring stuck in the sole of their tennis shoe. It was a ridiculously large earring too so it was quite noticeable pretty quickly. I can see an earring esp a small one getting lodged in a flip flop, the shoes thrown in the bag, somehow dislodged and tangled in a towel. While unlikely it is possible.
The possibility of it being left over in the dryer from a previous tenant sounds like the most plausible explanation, are the washer and dryer units in your home or are they communal? Is the earring small enough to get stuck in the little holes in the dryer?
It’s heartbreaking how quickly trust can be shaken when fear and past pain resurface, and I understand why she’s struggling to move past this… have you considered talking to a counselor who specializes in relationship issues to help navigate through this together?
Could be litterly from the dryer if second hand. I’ve had a baby sock come out of mine 6 months into owning it despite not having a baby. The person I got the dryer from had a baby though….. But 6 months into owning felt crazy to me.
Do you have any female or male family members with peircings? Does she? You asked her friends but how about family???? Moms, cousins, sisters, ect? Anyone you visited or that visited you or her? Hung out with you or her?
I’d recommend couples counseling. It may be a bit much but having someone help with all that trauma on her part may be for the best anyways. Plus working through this if it doesnt get solved (like if its the dryer) also could be a good thing with a pro helping.
I %100 understand the horror she must have felt and the hurt you had initially. Keep working to prove your inoccence, and best of luck.
Also I’d love a update.