Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective here. My girlfriend (31F) and I (31M) have been dating for almost a year. Things were going well, and I was seriously planning to propose in the near future.
She lives in a small town (where I was born and raised), and recently I started hearing rumours about her past. I decided to ask her directly, and she was open with me, maybe more than I expected.
She told me that before we met, she was in a long-term relationship (about 8 years) with a man who eventually passed away from cancer. After his death, she moved back to our town. She admitted that during the year between his death and meeting me, she “lost herself” her words. During that period, she slept with about 10 men and had a short relationship (around 7 months) that included threesomes with her boyfriend and their mutual friends.
She also mentioned that earlier in life, when she and her late partner broke up for about few months, she went through a similar phase sleeping with multiple men during that time as well.
She says she’s not proud of that period and that it was her way of coping with grief and trauma. She insists it’s all in the past, and that it shouldn’t affect how I see her or our future.
I’m not trying to judge her. I know grief affects people in different ways, and I’m trying to be understanding. But I won’t lie it’s a lot to process. I didn’t expect this, and it’s made me hesitant about taking the next step like marriage.
Am I being unfair for feeling this way? How do I work through this and figure out whether I can fully commit knowing this part of her past?
Comments
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“She says she’s not proud of that period and that it was her way of coping with grief and trauma. She insists it’s all in the past, and that it shouldn’t affect how I see her or our future.” – I’d ask how is it in the past, did she get therapy, what things about herself did she change and discover. Without actually doing the work, it’s in the past – until it isn’t. Patterns repeat themselves unless fully disrupted.
I think it’s normal to feel insecure about, but looking at the facts, she hasn’t done this inside of a relationship, only outside of them. And the threesome thing obviously wasn’t a secret from anyone. It seems like regardless of what judgments you hold on her personal sex life, that is her body to choose what she does with – when she is single. She hasn’t done anything wrong. And yeah I’d say hold a bit more understanding for the grief aspect too. Sometimes people have different vices. Obviously the times I think it should worry you is if you notice behaviours in other aspect as well, like how does she handle conflict between you both? Does she run away and distract herself and avoid speaking about it? Is she open and transparent? All these things matter – but also if the answer is no, that’s something that can be worked on too! However cheating and lying and sneaky behaviours shouldn’t have to be ‘worked on’, that’s when you know you need to leave. I hope this helped
As others have noted, she needs to disrupt these “self-destruct” cycles that she goes into whenever she is dealing with grief or loss. Be supportive of her working with a therapist who specializes in women’s issues to get to the root of this behavior while you continue to get to know her better as a person. Only then can the two of you decide whether staying together is a good idea.
You are not being unfair thinking the way you do. The question you have to answer for yourself is, “Do your values and morality match up closely enough with hers?”. It’s okay if they don’t. That doesn’t make you a bad person if they don’t. You have a right to want your girlfriend to have certain values that align with yours.
I’m a tad bit conservative when it comes to dating for myself and honestly I’d be out. I’m not into group sex and casual hookups and it would be hard for me to get around that info. It’s sort of an issue if you were hearing rumors randomly about your gfs past as well. A lot of people will tell you someone’s past shouldn’t matter, but there are times when it does. You are either comfortable with this info and move forward with your relationship or it is time to end it.
So what happens the next time she experiences grief or trauma, or for some reason you separate for a while?
Life throws us challenges in different ways. Will promiscuity be her answer to future problems?
Why does it bother you? Isn’t it obvious and expected that your partner lived a life before meeting you? What are you actually worried about?
The real question is, did she enjoy any of these adventures or was it just her way of coping? Like you said, grief makes people do the strangest of things.
Your together now and presumably she’s not cheating on you, she’s never cheated on her previous partners either, it’s highly unlikely she’s ever going to start sleeping around with random men whist you both are together.
Try not to overthink it cause you’ll loose her from it
I would not marry her. I am looking for a partner who, when facing distress, demonstrates resilience and employs constructive coping strategies, rather than engaging in risky or self-destructive and promiscuous behaviors.
It’s clear that she’s easily willing to sleep with all kinds of men.
It’s interesting to see everyone’s response to this woman reacting out of grief and trauma (not saying i can personally fully understand her choices and actions)- but when it comes to posts in regards to porn in a relationship (even if it upsets and hurts one of the partners), everyone feels that it’s a normal and healthy way to blow off steam.
I do not know this woman, but It honestly sounds like she was a monogamous person before the death of a partner and that she quickly spiraled from the grief and began self sabotaging. I can’t imagine losing someone that close to me, or at such a young age. You and yalls relationship seems to be a big part in helping her open up, love, and trust again. That’s life saving! I understand her past makes you uncomfortable (it makes me blink, too), but what is that compared to the love and commitment you have for one another right now? There’s an entire lifetime of memories left to be made between the two of you, and her honesty shows that she wants to build that life with you. Do you wish the same, or will you choose a different path?
P.s.- Couples counseling would probably do better than a bunch of us randos on reddit. Good luck!
So she has a very well established pattern of becoming a nympho when stressed. A woman responding to stress by becoming hypersexual is like a man responding to stress by becoming violent. Both are the easy, expedient solution to a much bigger problem.
The problem is at any random moment in time, a man could go crazy and beat his wife to death. Women need to feel reassurance that he has control of his power advantage over her. The reverse of this is that as a man, at any random moment in time your wife can open Tinder and secretly arrange a 10 man gangbang in about an hour. Men need to feel reassurance that she has control of her power advantage over him.
Do you believe she will be able to control herself the next time life get’s hard?
I would be concerned about the times while in a relationship with him. Was she cheating on him, or were they on a break? There seems to be a pattern there. Trust your instincts
It’s not a question of fairness to her, it’s a question of fairness to yourself.
“What are the standards you wish your spouse to possess?”
“What are the personal character traits you wish your spouse to possess?”
You define what you are not willing to accept, and other people either meet, or do not meet those parameters. Then you act accordingly.
“To thine own self, be true”