Tldr; it’s tense right now in our young marriage and I’m worried this might mean an argument.
I don’t really use reddit but need to vent. I and my husband have been happily married and we’ve been happily together for a long time. I love him a lot but his family was…difficult. it got really out of hand so we ended up eloping with our close friends and chosen family (his idea). We’ve been full-time living together for almost a year now.
When I first really moved in, he was tidy and meticulously regimented when it came to chores. Now though, he’s gotten very used to me “picking up the slack”. I would cook and, by our agreements, by default would not clean but now I cook AND clean. He will cite work stress or being exhausted and would ask can I please clean for him. I would but I did so assuming this is a fluke, an outlier. It’s now become the norm. He now works from home, and I still go on-site. He insists I don’t need to pay for anything and won’t let me even looknat bills, so I give him a portion of my earnings anyway to cover expenses. He won’t protest too much after I say that I want to contribute, but then will just not help about the house.
I know he has been sad about going low contact with his family and we did move to a new area and that’s been tough on him but it was because he wanted to originally. I’ve done my best to make our house a home but I feel really tired. I hate to complain, especially because he is truly otherwise nearly perfect in every way, but I can’t keep up being the defacto house-spouse. I’m no homemaker and trying to advance in my own career. I’m not asking for him to do all chores but it gets exhausting picking up socks and boxers, turning to new dishes and cleaning them, looking after the floors (we have pets thus a lot of fur), clearing his soda and beer cans etc.
I hate complaining, he is wonderful, but I even when I compromised and paid once for a maid service to come in using my own income be said he didn’t want strangers in the house and complained he didn’t know their language and wasn’t sure he could be free to leave them in any space unsupervised. We’re not wealthy but we are ok financially even without my income, and I happened to already know the woman who owned the service I hired. He still feels one of us needs to be in the space and because he works from home and has to be at his desk and I only physically go in at sporadic hours, he’s said if I insist on the service, I have to be there to supervise and then thus also have to schedule it around my schedule.
Do I sound crazy? If so I can leave well enough alone and such it up. But I am really unsure.i don’t want to fight, but even when I gently broach the topic, he’s irritated by Mr and will just get up and leave the space. What do I do?
Comments
You don’t sound crazy – this is completely reasonable. Sharing household tasks is fair, and pointing out that you’re picking up too much slack isn’t rude or inconsiderate. Try talking to a therapist about strategies to bring this up, and if he keeps on deflecting, consider couples therapy.
Use the money he doesn’t take for bills to pay for a housekeeper.
It’s super affordable nowadays.
So he’s perfect except he won’t talk about a big thing that bothers you and will literally just walk away so he doesn’t have to deal with it, leaves trash and clothes everywhere, doesn’t clean up after pets, and refuses to let you pay for a cleaning service with your own income to pick up HIS slack?
He’s getting grumpy and walking away because it’s working, you’re tiptoeing around addressing the issue so he doesn’t get upset and the result is things stay the way they are. You’re so afraid of an argument you’re going to let him walk all over you with this. You need to insist he sit down and have a serious discussion with you and commit to a fair path forward for splitting chores. Or do it with the help of a marriage counselor.
I would also insist on being involved in the finances, seeing the bills, knowing the budget, etc. It’s important for both people to be on the same page and awareness level with household finances.
Throw money at the problem or push back on it. Your current path leads to resentment and contempt which will kill this marriage. Also, learn to talk about your marital issues together. If you cannot, then go to couples counseling now before the damage is too far gone.
Stop saying his wonderful OP?! He clearly isnt.
If your contribution is the housekeeping & he’s doing nothing at home- quit giving him your income. Keep the money to either outsource more (cleaning, food, etc.) or to save.
It has been my experience that when you marry someone the rule book you’ve lived with thus far generally goes out the window because they start taking you for granted. And just like with you misogyny raises its ugly head. And that is why I am single and why I prefer to live alone. I date but I would never live with someone again. I’m sick of being expected to do all the cleaning, all the laundry, they make messes and think we’re supposed to clean it up. He treats you that way and if you talk to him about it and nothing has changed then he doesn’t give a damn how you feel and he has no respect for you. You wouldn’t put up with being treated that way by any any other roommate or friend so why are you willing to put up with it off of him?