My (31F) husband (31M) hid that he failed out of school

This is a wall of text, my apologies. I would be incredibly grateful if someone could please read it.

Context: I’m 31F and he’s 31M. We dated/were engaged for five and a half years and have been married for six years.

Prelude: I’ll start out by saying that my husband was severely neglected and abused growing up. He was a late-diagnosed individual with ADHD and has recently begun to realize that he may have borderline personality disorder. His coping mechanisms are poor; living paycheck-to-paycheck because he spends his money and can’t save up, lying and concealing his behaviours, and smoking weed and using nicotine secretively. However, he has always maintained a part-time or full-time job throughout the time I’ve known him. I also want to preface that I was also late-diagnosed ADHD and was a people-pleaser that grew up in a religious household and didn’t know who I was until my mid-late 20’s. This likely exacerbated the issue I’ll be discussing.

He and I met in late high school and reconnected two years later when he reached out to me. I told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship but he persisted in being my friend long enough that I fell for him. At the time, I was working my way through my bachelor’s.

He was in a rough situation though – smoking weed daily, barely finished high school, and living in an abusive home. Gradually, things got better and he moved out, getting a better job, and planning to get a degree by upgrading his high school grades. When I told him that I was moving cities to pursue my master’s, he jumped at the opportunity and we moved cities together. He worked part-time while going to college while I focused on completing my master’s. I begged him to get help for his mental health and trauma because it was leading him to constantly hide and lie about small things.

We got married a year after finishing my schooling, so I started supporting him financially and taking care of as much life logistics as I could so that he could focus on school. Eventually, I told me that he wanted to go to university to pursue engineering. I was supportive of his choice and we picked up and moved across country so that he could transfer to a college program that would allow him to bridge into a university engineering program.

He finished the program, earning a certificate of completion and started his engineering degree at a third-year level. That was about the time I started to figure out that I hated my career. I continued to work and take on all the shared responsibilities for three years until it was finally time for him to graduate with his bachelor’s. This was it, I could finally switch out of the career I hated and we could share the responsibilities more evenly. A client of mine told me about an opening at his company relevant to his field, he applied and interviewed for it. I excitedly told my family and they were ready to make the trip for his graduation until he called me and dropped a bombshell. He said that his required co-op hours were illegitimate, implying that I was the reason the dean was looking into it. I felt horrible but confused. So he was not graduating that year, and that he was being suspended from finishing his degree for one year. I helped him draw up an appeal but it didn’t go anywhere. I was devastated but at that point so burnt out that I had to quit my high-paying job because I couldn’t take it anymore now. But something felt off, for a long time, I suspected that he wasn’t being honest with me – I never saw him complete coursework, didn’t see him go to class, and he didn’t talk about school unless prompted. I drove him to a couple of exams in his last few semester but apart from that, I only saw him go to work.

A year passes and I approach him about finishing his degree, he looked at me confused and said it was a two year suspension. I kind of lost it at that point, exhausted over the responsibility imbalance, paying most of our bills because I made a lot more money that him, and was solely saving up for a large down-payment on property because his credit score was so low.

I told him that I wasn’t waiting for him to get his education in order and that I was going to go back to school to change careers, so I did. I’m currently working through another bachelor’s. He resisted the idea at first but relented when he realized how much I wanted this. We moved cities again so that I could pursue my degree, he’s had to take on more responsibilities and it was and still is very challenging for him.

So two months ago, I came across an email from OnlyFans. My husband had been paying to see content from girls online, including one that really stung. Three years ago, he had been flirting with a coworker of his. I caught him and I’m confident it didn’t go anywhere beyond that but he was subscribed to her. Though there was no actual communication with her besides viewing her content. Admittedly, I then snooped and found that he had been sending tips to girls on MyFreeCams, including paying to have the girls view him jerking off during group shows. I was disgusted. He apologized profusely, finally seeking mental health treatment but I was done. We’ve been separated since then but still living together. He’s been trying to seek help and has been admittedly showing a lot of progress in addressing his issues. He said he wants to become healthy regardless of if we stay together but he wants more than anything to stay together.

Then one month ago, I told him that I think he’s not telling me the truth about his education. The next day, he said he thought about it and wanted to come clean. He told me that he dropped out after his first semester at university.. so 2020. Five years of telling lies and placating me. When he said that, I didn’t even react because deep down, I felt like I already knew. He told me that he’s immensely sorry and felt so much shame around failing out of the program and lying to me about being in school.

I’m having a really difficult time and finding myself distancing myself from my loved ones out of sadness and shame. I feel cheated out of the life I thought I was building with him but it’s hard not to feel sympathetic towards him because of his upbringing and how hard he’s been working on himself since this all went down. Apart from his issues, he’s incredibly thoughtful and kind. He’s my best friend so I’m incredibly conflicted.

Can someone please give me some insight?

TLDR: Supported my husband through school only to find out that he lied to me about his education, secretly spent money on adult content, and has possible BPD. We’re separated but cohabiting. He’s in therapy and wants to repair things, but I don’t know how to feel.