Just wanting to know if I’m being irrational in being upset and how you would proceed in this situation.
Backstory: My 31F and husband 31M have been married for nearly 10 years and just had our fourth child. We always said we would have 3 maybe for 4 kids max so we are definitely finished have children.
My last 2 kids were c-sections so my body has been through a lot. We decided once we finished having kids he would get a vasectomy because in his words I will have “done enough”. Which I appreciate as I feel like if I’m on hormonal contraception – I’m not really myself (Just overall not more emotional and unhappy).
When my husband went to book his vasectomy he then said he was worried it is so final – which I replied good we don’t want anymore kids! Turns out he is concerned about what would happen if I died young and he was to remarry and possibly wanting more kids with that person.
I’m 2 weeks postpartum so maybe I’m extra emotional at the moment but I got extremely upset by hearing this. We don’t want more kids we’d agreed on this for at least the last 4 years this would be what we’d do and now I feel like he’s prioritising some unlikely hypothetical over our current marriage and what’s best for it. It also hurts to hear his plans to replace me and just possibly make a new family in general
He’s said he thinks he will still do it because he loves me and he knows I want this but I’m still hurt by all this and now also worried he’ll resent me over a hypothetical.
I obviously still want him to get the vasectomy as it’s what we had discussed would be best for us as a couple but I also don’t want to pressure him into a medical procedure.
I don’t know how to navigate this moving forward. Not sure if I’m overreacting but I just feel sad.
*Also I’m not sick in anyway and am not more likely than anyone else to get sick (obviously we don’t know the future but it’s not something we are expecting to happen)
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Why is he worried about a hypothetical family when your family of six is right there. They store semen on file afterwards so if you want more kids, you can. Why is he so caught up, that you will die and he has to procreate with his new hypothetical wife, instead of worrying about the four he has here and now.
Why is his ability to make more more important than the family he has here And now
vasectomies are generally reversible lol. shouldn’t he know that if he’s already looked into getting one??
Ask him where he came up with this concern and why is it on his mind now. Watch closely his reaction. So sorry.
If you die, he’s gonna be pretty fucking busy raising his current 4 kids alone… or is he assuming they die with you in this hypothetical situation?
His body, his choice at the end of the day. But also your body, your choice to abstain from sex in order to avoid pregnancy.
my wife was born after her dad has his vasectomy reversed after his first wife cheated on him
just tell him that if god wants him to have more kids after he takes you from him god will make sure your husbands vasectomy is reversed too
if he thinks it’s too invasive sit down and watch some medical education videos on csections with him
Tell him you hope he doesn’t mind having a dead bedroom, because there will be no sex until he gets the snip.
I’m having trouble convincing my husband to get a vasectomy because of the potential for issues. He’s such a worrier and always considers the 1/1million chance that something will happen to him
But I know I can’t force him to. It’s his body so it’s his choice. We are equal decision makers.
If he decides not to then he’ll have to put up with condoms, because I also have bodily autonomy and refuse to use hormonal birth control again.
If your husband refuses, what is his plan for birth control?
I have not and will never be in this situation, but: 31 feels young to make that decision, but then again 31 is pretty young to have 4 kids. You can’t force him to do it, but I think he’ll come around if this is something you’ve discussed and agreed on in the past. You have a newborn and that’s probably fueling “what ifs” for him.
Your husband has about a month to change his mind about the vasectomy, then he has to decide what’s more important to him, keeping his word and therefore your trust, or not. Because that’s what it boils down to, you’ve risked your body four times, it’s changed forever and he’s not willing to have a procedure that takes 15 minutes? Wow! You are not being irrational and your husband isn’t being fair, even with condoms there is a chance for pregnancy to occur, same with oral contraceptives for you. Given the recovery time and expense of you having your tubes tied or a hysterectomy, a vasectomy is the safest and most viable option available, it’s that or abstinence for the rest of your marriage.
NO MORE SEX.
he wants to prioritize the needs of his imaginary future girlfriend over what you and your 4 kids need and want?
so let him. abstinence is birth control as well. you should make good use of it.
We all know it’s ultimately his body his choice. However, I’m a little weirded out that he’s this hung up on the specific hypothetical of you dying. In the olden days it literally used to be a crime to “imagine the Monarch’s death” and that’s because if you talk about it, that might mean you’re planning the monarch’s death. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, of course – but he seems to be imagining your death in an awful lot of detail, and devoting a lot of his brain power to it, and that would freak anyone out just a little.
If I were you, I’d want to know why his brain is suddenly so stuck on this. Did he hear something recently that made him think you might die? Like a story in the news? This came from somewhere.
I think you need to be a bit more concerned that your partner and coparent is telling you that in the event of your untimely death, his priority will be finding a new partner and creating a new family instead of caring deeply about the needs of your 4 existing children navigating the difficulties of life with one parent.
Am I discounting that he is probably just a big baby, and scared to get snipped after you experience the two major abdominal surgeries? No, not at all.
But at the root of this, it seems to be about him being deeply selfish, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that unless he is willing to change it.
Tell him that the only family worth worrying about is the one he currently has and if he’s that worried about his hypothetical next partner and next family, he can always have his sperm frozen.
Vasectomies are reversible and I’d say he’s just getting nervous. That said, his hypothetical is awful and if something happened to you, he’s got 4 kids to focus on. It’s a gross comment honestly.
Even if the worst happened, he can get a reversal or they can harvest sperm directly for IVF. I know people who have done both.
Yeahhh… you married a guy with 51% of his braincells in his dick. Let it go, insist on condomes for the next 30 years. His mind should change very quickly.
No vasectomy, no sex. Simple. Lots of men do this for their marriage and their wife. It’s a simple procedure for the man much more invasive for a woman. Yet here we are with another man putting his ego first. This is a hill to die on.
Think about it. He would rather you take all the responsibility for birth control when it affects your body negatively rather than man up. It speaks to his commitment to you and the family as a whole.
I would insist on counseling for you both. Resentment and loss of trust go both ways. His thinking that his hypothetical situation is more important than your marriage is an eye opener to his view of woman in general and you in particular.
Only you can decide how to proceed, but you have every right to feel as you do. Trust once lost is almost impossible to find again. He is backing out of an agreement and trying to shift the decision to you.. Seek some professional help to navigate this if not together than just for you. This not easy. Good luck.
If he won’t get vasectomy, you should get tubal ligation. You DEFINITELY don’t want more children.
I’d be bothered by that too. So his limit is 4 kids with each woman he’s married to? Thats so weird. He either wants more kids or he doesn’t. Saying he doesn’t want more kids with you, but does with someone else is eww. Is a relationship only legit if you have kids with someone? My husband got a vasectomy after our 3rd and that scenario was brought up by the Dr. My husband told him ‘I want 3 kids total, I’m done, I’m not having any more with anyone’
He’s definitely the AH. He could have done it after the third but now as your body heals from the fourth he’s overdue for taking care of his end. In the event of the hypothetical occurring, he’ll have four young children to raise. Finding time to date is unlikely as is her wanting more after having to help with the existing four. There ways to reverse or retrieve I’d need be. It’s completely selfish to make you spend your next decade and a half or so stressed on not getting pregnant when he could take responsibility & address it next month.
My response would be: then let’s not have sex any more. Just in case I get pregnant.
I have to say it’s incredibly disrespectful to say that to your wife who just had your baby! I can’t even imagine how hurtful that must’ve been. When me and my fiancé were talking about my hypothetical death he said he will never find some else again and he will just live in a tent by the lake fishing forever. I thought it was cute and funny. Obviously I hope for him to be happy and move on in this scenario(but more I just hope I won’t die) but it would be so hurtful to hear him planning another family. You’re not overreacting, your reaction is completely valid. I hope it’s just his anxiety talking or maybe he’s not completely set on four kids and is just scared to tell you after what you’ve been through.
Is there any reason why you won’t get your tubes tied? I mean it’s his body his choice but you also hav r the option to make sure you don’t get pregnant again. Not sure why this is an issue…if the roles were reversed every woman would be pissed at the man trying to pressure the wife to get the surgery done…
Your hubby doesn’t have a clue what he got himself into with raising 4 kids. Why can’t he just be satisfied with the condomless sex you two can have. I hope you have good incomes, because dealing with 4 growing kids can be both a financial challenge, plus a time management problem going forward.
Insensitive clod husband. And besides, even if it happened, he has enough kids for the world to sustain.
I’m going to be honest, I feel bad for thinking this and I want you to take it with a grain of salt, especially when you’re freshly postpartum.
He’s not thinking about you dying, he’s thinking about your relationship breaking down. In his mind he’ll have time to have a new kid if there’s still someone there taking care of the old lot.
It doesn’t mean that he thinks your relation is going to break down, or that he’s planning to leave, but he does see it as a potential future reality and that’s scary.
His body. It can’t be reversed sometimes.
Can your husband at 31, in his career, afford 5-6 kids? That’s a lot of money. That’s a lot of university tuition and food.
Is he thinking straight?
This is concerning line of thinking for him. I would be considering your Will & testament and making sure that what you’re leaving your kids in case of your hypothetical death is protected in a trust and is not under his sole control and discretion. I am concerned he is more concerned about remaking his life and starting a new family after your hypothetical death than caring about the family he already has. This would potentially put your children in the situation where they are “second fiddle” to his new family and their needs.
Offering a different perspective… I’m a woman who’s had tubal ligation and one of the first questions during my consult was “what if your partner dies and you met someone new and they want biological kids?” I had no doubts whatsoever so my answer was that they’d have to find someone other than me but I do believe this, or a variation of it, is a standard question asked during consultations.
Love that he’s talking about a new wife and family and not concerned about taking care of the wife and family he has now.
Not gonna lie this would make me feel a certain way. And I wouldn’t be having sex for a minute bc your husbands attitude is gross
You keep saying you don’t want to withhold sex but how are you going to feel when you get pregnant again? Condoms are not 100%.
He may need to go to a therapist to work through the feelings he’s having. Based on your other comment, it sounds like the finality of it is hard for him.
My husband had a vasectomy the year we got married because we each brought a child into the marriage and decided it was best to focus on each of them and their needs in two parent households rather than add a third who lives just with us. I never want to be pregnant again. At the same time, it is closing the door on making a baby with the man I love, and that finality is hard for me, even though I chose it and know that’s the best choice for our family.
Anyways, I only tell that story because I wanted to share that that fear of finality is not an abnormal feeling to have, but saying it to your freshly post partum spouse like this is really hurtful and inconsiderate. It’s valid for this to be a struggle for him, but he needs to seek help to process that in a healthy way, and talking about his next wife is not it. Marriage is supposed to be a plan til the end game, not just for right now or hypotheticals.
I mean… there are other forms of contraception? He, for whatever reason is having seconds thoughts about a permanent medical procedure that is not without risks of side effects and might not even work.
You know you can get sterilized too, right? In fact, I’m confused why you didn’t have a birth plan that went over it, getting it done during a c-section would’ve been very easy.
If you die and he starts a new family, who’s taking care of the four motherless kids he already has? When he’s out dating and getting to know women enough to marry them, where are his children in that fantasy scenario?
Does he think he’ll find a woman who will happily be the stepmother to four grieving children, while she’s having her own kids? And the kids will be fine with that?
How involved is he in the daily childcare? Apart from everything else wrong with his plan, it’s not very realistic
Urgh this is like when my parents were talking about it (I found out many years later because my mum was so impressed my husband just agreed to do it when we were done with kids). My dad was all like “but it wouldn’t stop you getting pregnant” aka you could cheat and get pregnant. Which is idiotic because by that logic… he could cheat and get someone else pregnant. Some men are just absolute morons when it comes to this stuff.
It’s not just the hormones pp (though I’m sure that’s making it worse) I would be absolutely livid if my husband said this to me. Honestly how dare he prioritise some hypothetical future woman over his actual real life wife and kids.
If you both agree 4kids is your max….. if you died, he would still have 4kids….. so basically he is an idiot. Plus vasectomies can be reversed and sperm can be frozen.
How abhorrent
What is wrong with this man
This is typical male privilege thinking. You as a woman are supposed to sacrifice everything in your life for the good of your relationship and family. It’s expected of you because you’re a woman and he’s king of the castle. Tell him to begin with If he’s not willing to help you out as your life partner he’s going to have to be a lot more involved in taking care of the children. Also, from now on you’re only having sex with men with a vasectomy. He is being childish and the last thing you need is a man child to take care of.
I got the forever permanent vasectomy in 2004. But they offered a version that was reversible way back then. So, he hasn’t even consulted with a urologist at this point.
Heres one… if. Youre worried about it. Just use actual contraception . End of the day, hes allowed to do whatever he wants with his body.. same way tou are when you fall pregnant.. he has a choice on what he wants to do with HIS body.
Ask him if he has too much money. Because with 4 kids, wanting more the only conclusion I have is that he has entirely too much money and needs to find a way to spend it.
What a butt head!
I’m actually a bit surprised by how many people are calling him selfish. I think it’s absolutely fair for him to pause and think through the long-term implications of a vasectomy, since for many men it’s not easily reversible. At the end of the day, it’s his body, and he gets to decide what procedures he’s comfortable with. Just as you get to decide what happens with your body and what risks you’re willing (or not willing) to take with pregnancy or hormonal birth control.
The “what if you die” scenario he mentioned sounds less like a literal wish for more kids in that situation and more like him suddenly realising just how permanent the decision could be. That’s not an unreasonable thing to sit with before moving forward.
And honestly, if the situation were flipped – if he were pressuring you to get your tubes tied during your c-section – I think Reddit would be shouting for you to run. So I do think we need to be consistent about respecting bodily autonomy in both directions.
That said, if he ultimately decides against a vasectomy, then the two of you need a serious conversation about what that means for your sex life, given that you understandably don’t want to risk another pregnancy. Whether that looks like condoms, natural family planning, or some other method, it has to be a solution you’re both comfortable with.
For me, this feels less about selfishness and more about both of you holding your own boundaries around sex and pregnancy while finding a respectful compromise.
This is the whole reason they have sperm banks. Tell him to go make a deposit before his vasectomy. Problem solved.
Well personally I would have bailed right TF out at “you’ve done enough” but definitely at “I’m being a huge diaper baby about a minor surgery that’s been agreed upon for years.”
I think it’s perfectly okay for him to change his mind, as it’s a procedure that affects his body, what is not okay is the hypothetical situation he threw at you… I feel this is not something he should have said to you, and this is an instance of an “inside thought” been ejected out. I totally understand being worried and uncertain about big decisions like these, but it is not okay for him to say THIS to YOU, I think this is disrespectful. Why is he telling you about this? Why is he thinking so much about you dying and him falling back in love again with someone new and having her children?? This is a situation where he is only interested in his own welfare, there was no mention of his current children in this scenario. His needs are not more important than you and the family he created together !! Your reasons for not wanting to be on hormonal birth control is valid, it’s your body and you’re allowed to choose what you do with and put in it. You need to call him out for this selfishness.
Only if he can afford to look after his 4 children in every aspect until the day he passes away, should he then think of bringing others into the world.
His body, his choice. That’s my opinion for what it’s worth. If it were me in this situation, I would say ‘Honey, it’s your body so of course I’m not going to coerce you into doing something you are hesitant about. I’m perfectly fine with using spermicide and condoms from now on.”
His logic for why he is reluctant, I get why that hurts. I feel like he just panicked at the thought of the vasectomy and then said out loud some not very well thought out comments. If he’s adamant against getting one though, go with my suggestion above. He really can’t expect you to keep taking a medication when there are alternatives (ie vasectomy or condoms).
it sounds like a normal anxious thought. it’s a big step and it’s fine to think of it from all angles. Don’t take it personally or read too much into it. let him voice his concerns and i bet after some thought he books that appointment.
Geez, he must earn a fair whack if he can consider having a fifth child with some hypothetical woman who is willing to take on a widower with 4 kids in tow.
Honestly, other than pointing out how cruel and thoughtless that is, I’m not sure there’s much you can do. I’d be asking him if he actually does want more kids, cos why does having a second partner come into it? He’s either done or not.
We have 4 children and 7 years later I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. When they look deeper I had a hysterectomy also. If my husband had a Vasectomy my cancer would have continue. I survived. I was 37 and now 63.
Have had a vasectomy
My wife actually made the point that your husband did when I went to book it
The only thing I could think to say was – even if we were no longer together and I met someone else why on earth would I want to go through raising a child with someone else again. I have one that’s enough, I love my kid but I look forward to when they are an adult and I don’t have the same level of responsibility
It is very selfish and weird, but it is his body his choice.
I can tell you that until he did, his body and my body would not be joining in any way.
Wtf, sounds like anxious thoughts for sure, but he could’ve tried to bring logic to them without giving them more of a voice.
How has he watched you have 2 C Sections and not even considered the finality and long term effects of childbirth? Especially if there’s any birth spacing issues.
Take your time and rest and recover. Sounds like he’s fine with being the primary parent of the children he has now if he’s thinking of more.
I feel like there was an episode of Desperate Housewives about this in like 2006, the husband was an ah then and is an ah now. He’d like to throw away improvements to the life he has for a potential life with a mystery woman if you die? Girl I dunno, honestly I don’t.
If you died young he’d be a single father of 4.
Why the heck would he want another??
I’d be mad at the comment.
I honestly just think your husband was thinking of all of the “what if” scenarios in his head and blurted that one out.
Everyone is saying this is so insensitive of him and stuff, but he’s telling you point blank his worry:
This feels very permanent to him.
And your response was “well, we don’t want any more kids!” which is very true, but at the same time I can understand why he feels that way and it would make him panic a little in his head.
I’m wondering if a simple conversation where you both sat down and he could explain why the thought of the finality of it all freaks him out so much, and it’s not purely because it’s just in case you die and he needs to go impregnate the next woman.
Just talk to each other, I promise you his reasoning is way less dramatic than it felt or seemed. I totally and 100% understand why you felt the way you do, especially a couple months postpartum.
Yes and No. Not the end of the world on a scale of 1 to 10. But… it was a dumb thing to say… unless you’re Mormon then it makes since from that pov.
Aren’t vasectomies reversible?? Or is there a time limit on it..
Sorry, is he planning on killing his children if you passed?? will he not still be a father to FOUR??
He is planning for if you die or if you get cancer. He will bail and start procreating while you raise your 4 kids and battle cancer. What a peach of a guy.
> Turns out he is concerned about what would happen if I died young and he was to remarry and possibly wanting more kids with that person.
Does he know that if you die, he still has 4 kids?.
My doc asked if I wanted my tubes tied during my c-section.
This would be upsetting to me postpartum or not. This is a crazy line of thinking/priorities for him, and insulting to hear when you’re so fresh PP!
Either he wants to have more kids or he doesn’t. It shouldn’t matter with who. And if you died young he’d be a single Dad to 4 kids. Surely raising them should be his priority, not getting another woman pregnant?