My (31M) boyfriend (27M) refuses to meet my best friend after 3+ years together

My [31M] boyfriend [27M] of 3.5 years together still refuses to meet my best friend, and it’s starting to really weigh on me.

Yes, we’re both male and gay, so please refrain from homophobic comments.

For context: my best friend and I hooked up a few times 5+ years ago when we met through a dating app, but we quickly realized we weren’t compatible that way. We’ve been strictly platonic ever since. There was a full 2-year gap between that and when I even met my current boyfriend. My best friend is a big part of my life—kind of like chosen family at this point. He helped me to get better after two suicide attempts, and knows basically all about me.

Early in the relationship, I probably messed up a bit. I talked about my best friend a lot (he was just a huge part of my life), and once I even asked if it was okay for him to come over while my boyfriend wasn’t home (we moved in together pretty quickly because of certain circumstances i’m not going to dive into). Looking back, I get how that might’ve made him uncomfortable, and I’ve owned up to that in past conversations.

But it’s been more than THREE YEARS and he still refuses to meet him. He also doesn’t really want to meet any of my friends. The few times he did, he was quiet and distant. He’s not socially anxious though—he’s actually a great networker professionally. So this seems more like a lack of interest or willingness than a social issue.

There have also been some jealousy. One time I mentioned a colleague who might also be gay (like me), and suggested we hop on a call to familiarise with each other. After I did just to get a vibe check (yes, he’s actually gay in a 10-year relationship btw), my boyfriend still got weird and jealous.

He also does this half joking thing. When I go out with someone (even if it’s just a D&D session), he always hints i’m going out with MEN.

I have always been faithful and would never cheat, so all that seems unfair to me. I have been transparent with my past and now i feel like I am being punished for my past.

And the hardest part is: when I try to talk about any of this—friends, jealousy, communication—he deflects. He focuses on how I said something instead of what I’m saying. I always end up apologizing and defending myself instead of feeling heard.

And that’s a tendency of his, whenever something happen, he’s not to blame. Even in somethings simple as mishearing stuff. If i mishear him, it’s because i don’t listen to. If he mishears me, it’s because I didn’t speak clearly.

I have suggested couples therapy, but he always shuts it down saying we can figure this on our own. But i feel our relationship has deteriorated over time bec of the unresolved issues.

At this point, I feel like I’m hiding parts of my life just to avoid triggering him, and I don’t know if this is normal anymore. Am I being unfair? Is this something that can change?

Would really appreciate some perspective, especially from people who’ve dealt with similar dynamics.

I have used ai to summarise and structure my thoughts, I hope that’s ok with you guys.

TL;DR: BF of 3.5 years still refuses to meet my best friend, avoids all my friends, gets jealous easily, and deflects every serious convo by blaming my tone.