My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. The wedding is in a few months. We are pretty health and don’t smoke and drink infrequently. A few months ago I noticed she was smoking a cigarette after a night out. I was horrified and questioned her.
She laughed saying her friends put her on drunk cigarettes and she only does it when she drinks. I was really disappointed, and told her how I felt. She said it was very infrequent and told me not to worry.
Well my biggest fear came true. She is now a full blown smoker. I’ve asked her to quit and she is calling me controlling. I don’t want to tell her how to live her life, but this is not something I’m ok with. Do I call off the wedding?
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It’s a cigarette. It’s not like she’s doing meth or fentanyl. Give the woman some grace. That’s a real dumb reason to call off a wedding
I cannot imagine why an adult would take up smoking, this is insane behaviour.
I grew up in a smoking household and there’s no way I’d choose to live with a smoker.
that’s hella dramatic, look, i get that smoking is a turn off and it’s frustrating to see someone you love pick up a bad habit. but calling off an entire wedding over that? you’re talking about throwing away a whole relationship and future over something that, while serious, is changeable. people quit smoking all the time! i did! with support, patience, and real conversation. if this is the only real issue, it might be worth looking at why this one thing is hitting you so hard, and whether there’s something deeper going on. don’t blow up your relationship over a lighter and a few bad choices 👍👍
Is your fiancé George Costanza?
As a former smoker, I guarantee she has become an addict. She will prioritize her nicotine cravings over you and your needs. You have to decide if you can live with that.
Look, it’s an addictive substance and your partner is now addicted. If this isn’t for you – you need to have a serious conversation. When we met you weren’t a smoker and so it was a non issue and perhaps you over the years have mentioned your disdain for it “I’d never date a smoker” if she is now smoking you can still tell her you love her but if it comes down to it then leave. I wouldn’t date a smoker nor would I marry one.
That’s a boundary to have. Have the conversation and if it ends it ends. And if it ends, and your partner recently took up smoking – and she isn’t willing to quit then her a 5 year partner then something else is in play but either way you’re better off.
Best of luck.
While you can’t control what she does, you do have the right to set a boundary and say “hey I’m not okay with marrying a smoker. If this is something that won’t change, I don’t see a future for us.” There’s a difference between an ultimatum and saying you will step away if this continues. Just remember that this is more than a bad habit. It’s an addiction and is very hard to kick. If you don’t want to marry a smoker, that’s fine. But that’s your decision to make and the only thing you have control over, nothing you say to her will make her quit. Only she can make that happen.
You’re allowed to call off a wedding, breakup or get divorced for any reason you want. Is it a significant reason to leave them though? That’s also up to you. I used to smoke and quitting was difficult. Good chance your partner is addicted at this point if she’s switched to just drunk smoking to smoking whenever. If you plan on having kids with her, her smoking is going to affect the kid’s health.
Ignore the commenters comparing it to imaginary harder drug problems and such, it’s perfectly fine to put the brakes on marrying someone who’s picked up a destructive habit that also negatively impacts the people around them. I wouldn’t date a smoker, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to say that things should stay unchanged just because the other person started doing it after the relationship started. That doesn’t even mean ending things outright, it would be worth sitting down and having a serious conversation about what the habit means and how willing the two of you are to move forward if it’s addressed or not.
What would you do if you guys had already been married a year or two? Several years?
Thinking about a liftime with someone, this isn’t likely the hardest change you’ll have to endure. Doesn’t mean she should just continue and deny it’s a huge change and a health issue. I am sorry this happened.
I used to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and usually pot – not anymore. I had a partner at the time who would constantly make me feel bad about it while* I was using, but in between would encouage it. Obviously manipulation and not what you’re about – but leaving that person enabled me to focus on my own life and quit.
Point is – who we have in our life makes a huge difference. You could empower her to change. But only if she’s willing. Good luck. You don’t have to take bs from anyone, but in a healthy relationship bs is inevitable. Up to you to decide if her risk factors for failing to kick the addiction are worth it for you.
I can see it from both sides. I’m a smoker myself and it gets me in sticky situations at times.
I think delaying a wedding because of it is reasonable. Some people are just not okay with a having spouse who is a smoker. I definitely had to make sure my dates were okay with it when I was single, as if it was a baggage – because it is. It’s expensive where I live, it smells, it comes with social stigma, your attention span shortens as your craving kicks in etc. I definitely got turned down because of it and it’s okay. I picked up smoking during COVID (I was 26) and so I can see how the perceptions of people shifts.
However, throwing the entire the relationship away is a bit extreme.
Perhaps ask if she’s willing quit? Are you okay if she switches to vapes? If you guys want kids, what is she going to do?
You can’t control your wife or what she does however you still have the choice to live your life how you want.
as a smoker who is actively trying to quit I agree it’s a nasty habit I wish I had never been pressured into by peers and that’s unfortunately what’s happened to her and it’s even easier to take up while drinking.
You could have another convo with her and try and convince her to quit to save the relationship however you have to be prepared for her to fight it and not want to quit (because no one will ever quit anything or change until they want to) and it’s down to you whether you can stay with a smoker you are within you right to walk away if it’s something that really really turns you off
Call off the wedding if you do not want your spouse to be a smoker. It is that simple. The same applies to drugs, gambling, alcohol, excessive anything that makes your life less than tolerable. She can then decide if she loves you enough to stop. Not saying it is easy, but it is a choice. Let her make it. If she returns to smoking after the marriage, tell her to fuck off and get a divorce. People on Reddit always advice against marriying an alcoholic, a junkie, people who cannot manage their finances, even people not taking care of their hygiene. I don’t see how smoking is any different. It is an expensive, unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Yes, call it off. As a non smoker, I get it. I find the smoking thing gross, so just wouldn’t be attracted to a person who smokes.
I think the best thing you can do is make it known that this is a hard boundary, something you absolutely do not want in the relationship. Make it clear that you cannot go through with marrying someone who smokes all day, it doesn’t align with what you want for your future/your kids/what you are looking for in a spouse. I’m not typically big on ultimatums but it’s probably the fastest way for sense to hit home to someone who is in the situation your fiance is. I would hope that she would pick the marriage and future prospects over cigarettes, just don’t coddle her or try to accommodate her point of view or else she will take that and run with it to suit herself. Just put it all out on the table now.
That would for sure be a dealbreaker for me
She gave into peer pressure at 30?! It’s one thing as a teenager/young adult, but 30?! At least postpone the wedding and see if you can work this out. She needs therapy to figure out why at 30 she lets her friends influence her so much.
I am a woma. I personally would call off the wedding if my fiancé took up smoking, even if it were “drunk cigarettes”. I find smoking to be a filthy, disgusting and dangerous habit and I consider it to be a sign of lack of common sense. Not qualities I would look for in a partner.
Nothing like kissing an ashtry. I’d be done. That’s so gross. Updateme
If you feel that strongly about it, yea. Call it off. She prob started for stress and weight control.
Gawd i miss cigarettes.
It’s a habit that’s smelly, expensive, intrusive, and unhealthy. What’s wrong with your fiancee?
If smoking is a deal breaker, walk away. I grew up with parents that smoked, and dated smokers 🤮.
Only a fool would take up smoking at age 30 OP. Tell her you wish her and her cancer sticks the best life together.
If it’s a deal breaker then do what you thinks best. She just developed a life long habit that you may not ever get use to or like. Her body her choice right? 😂
As someone who has watched a friend nurse their spouse for many years though a long, slow, eventually fatal health decline from smoking related COPD, I would caution you to think long and hard before signing up for this. The spouse has both been on supplemental oxygen and unable to leave her house for years now, and the husband will be widowed for many more years than he otherwise would be if she had never started. 1 in 3 smokers die from a smoking related cause. Also, if she is foolish enough at this age to purposefully cause herself a boatload of easily avoidable problems by starting smoking, what other easily avoidable problems is she going to cause you and your potential children in the future?
Updateme
In addition to the stink, grime, and the disregard for her own health (and yours if she doesn’t care enough about others to go outside.) , smoking burns 3 to 5 grand a year. That’s a nice yearly vacation , investment, retirement, etc wasted. And for what? There are no positives. Taking this up at 30 screams mental health crisis.
I see two issues here:
I personally could never be with a smoker. I can barely stand to be near a smoker (even when they’re not currently smoking), let alone date one, based on smell alone.
But the health issues, expense, and lifestyle are also all part of the deal breaking for me.
You can have one more “come to Jesus” talk with her if you’d like to see if she changes her tune about at least acknowledging that she’s hurting you and she decides she wants to change.
Otherwise, break up with her and find someone else. It will definitely suck but you deserve a good relationship and she can be with someone who is fine with a smoker. Sorry man. You’re still very young and you will be okay. 💖
You just need to tell her you don’t want to be married to a smoker. That leaves it to be her choice . I don’t think that’s unreasonable given the impacts on health, the expense and the smell.
I suggest you talk about it again, and try to avoid having a big argument. Because no matter what, a couple of cigarettes is not worth your relationship. And calling off the wedding will ruin your relationship.
I have smoked since I was 15, been with my man a long time now, quit and picked it back up. He never liked it, often criticised my smoking, but he ultimately said it was my decision.
Take care❤️
>She laughed saying her friends put her on drunk cigarettes and she only does it when she drinks.
Everyones got different values, but that’s a no from me dog.
>Do I call off the wedding?
Yes. You two are not on the same page. Until you are, you shouldn’t be getting married. You shouldn’t be dating someone doing behaviors that you are not okay with, let alone getting married.
The hard part is you have been together for 5 years. How does this happen after 5 years? And at 30! Either she has been lying to you, or this is a freak situation.
Would be curious to know if there is more to this story that she is not telling you, or simply hasn’t heard yet.
You have no control over whether she continues to smoke or stops. But you have an opportunity control whether or not you have that in your house. I also question if there’s something else going on with your fiancé because I find it’s extremely rare for somebody in their 30s or later to start smoking without other Things going on. In one situation it was because I had a friend who after a divorce was in his mid 30s and started partying extremely hard, then got involved with drugs. I don’t know how often she hangs out with her friends, but could there be something else that she’s involved with when she’s not with you?
Yes. Disgusting habit.
If you don’t want to marry someone who smokes don’t marry her.
Absolutely leave her. If my boyfriend started smoking I would be out the door, and vice versa I think!