My fiancé and I are in a monogamous relationship and have been living to together for 6 months. He has mentioned that he needs a lot of alone time, even while in a relationship. To the point where he is wanting what feels like an entire day to himself weekly and a few hours daily. I am so in love with this man and want to be superglued to him at all times. I realize that’s not healthy, but essentially I’m struggling with leaving him alone.
How can I honor his boundaries without driving him / myself crazy? I don’t have any family/friends/community in the city we live in and the only hobby I have is hiking which it’s currently too hot to really do. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
TLDR; Partner needs alone time, we live together, I like to be constantly smothering him, how do I respect these boundaries better?
Comments
the obvious answer.
make friends. find a hobby. go to the gym. find another hobby. hone a skill. work toward a job promotion.
do anything that will better you enough to make him miss you and want to spend time with you again.
you have found yourself in this position, and you’ve got to get yourself out.
oh! and when he does want to be around you, use that time wisely– like practicing your blowjob.
good luck!
find a hobby to do outside of the house where he gets time to himself every so often: take a class, go to the gym, go on walks, etc. More than likely he doesn’t really need a full day to himself but he might feel smothered if you are glued to his hip 24/7 so even one evening a week might work for him.
Hey, in the UK I’d recommend going to the pub and taking a book. If you’re not in the UK, I don’t know what you all do but I’d suggest the best way to make friends is to branch out your hobbies, see what local groups their are to your area, via Facebook or check out the local libraries cork board which always have ideas for socialising.
You have to be able to have space and time apart and finding yourself another group is the first step for that, though it’s superbly difficult to make friends in a new area for adults.
Good luck and try not to suffocate one another because it will just breed resentment, another quick suggestion could be a swimming pool to work out at? Stay healthy and meet fellow swimmers I guess? Anyway, good luck.
Omg are you one of those people who never see their friends after getting into a relationship?
It’s not about what you want all the time. You wanting to be around him constantly is why he needs space. Time to make friends, start a hobby, jpin a book group, and learn not to lean on him so much for your social outlet
You need to have friends and hobbies for a balanced life. Using your partner to meet all your needs will always blow up eventually. It’s impossible.
Go to an indoor place and make some new friends.
before this relationship, you weren’t with your friends 24/7 were you?
Needing alone time in a relationship is totally normal and not something to be taken personally.
You say you have no family/friends in the area and a hobby that’s limited right now. That’s your problem. You need to be a person outside of your relationship. Take a Pilates class, go to the gym, invite a colleague out for a drink, take a book to a coffee place, paint by numbers, take an online course. You will feel more rounded and self-assured if you actively work on your over attachment to your boyfriend
You’ll adjust. Pretend he’s not home. Seriously. My best friend stayed with me while her house was being finished and she worked from home. At the time, I was doing contract work and had lots of time off. Normally when we’re together it’s nonstop talking and laughing but that obviously couldn’t happen and no one wants to be interrupted while they’re working. I wouldn’t speak to her unless she spoke to me for her entire workday. I just pretended she wasn’t there for me to talk to or interact with. I’d text her sometimes because we text during the day anyway and answer when we get a chance. Just draw yourself a hard line and give him space. Once you go through the initial withdrawal, you’ll adjust and it won’t be so hard anymore.
As someone who is like your fiancé, you’re going to end up pushing him away with your neediness.
Your inability to entertain yourself without him is not his problem, and you should find hobbies and friends external to the relationship to direct your energy towards.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but resentment is a relationship killer and I personally would start to resent my partner if I felt like they were this codependent.
I need a lot of alone time too and frequently take it while my husband is home, I just say I’m going to the bedroom for a while and he recognizes that I’ll be doing my own thing for a few hours. After I unwind solo for a while, I’ll come back and we’ll watch a show or hangout together. If he really needs to be alone alone, he should be the one to leave the house. But, you should work on finding friends and hobbies, it’s healthy for you and the relationship.
I can recommend Addicted to love by Jan geurtz. You are at this moment making sure that yiur relationship will blow up. So better make some chances. A good therapist will also help because usually the patterns run deep and touch trauma parts.
I think you answered your own question.
>I don’t have any family/friends/community in the city we live in and the only hobby I have is hiking
Make friends, community, and find new hobbies. These all take some effort on your part but depending on where you live you could join a recreational sports league, a volunteering group, meetup groups, etc. Communities and friendships require similar effort to starting and maintaining a romantic relationship – intentionally and consistently showing up and engaging with others until it feels natural.