I (M, 31) could really use an outside perspective. I’ve been with my fiancée (F, 30) for two years. Things moved fast between us – we just clicked. We share values, have a deep emotional connection, and similar life goals. We recently decided to get married, and up until now, I’ve felt nothing but grateful. But lately, something’s been weighing on me.
Before our relationship, she had a casual on-and-off connection with a guy who lives abroad but still visits our city (US metropolitan area). From what I understand, they would meet up when he was in town, but it wasn’t a relationship. She was open with me about it and even told him directly that we’re now engaged. He congratulated her.
Despite that, he still reaches out now and then. I had a gut feeling about it, and I admit – I looked at her messages (I realize this wasn’t okay and I’m not proud of it). I saw that he had asked her out once recently. She replied a few days later, saying she lives with me now, and he responded with another congratulatory message.
What’s been sitting with me more than anything is that I also found a hidden screenshot she’d saved from a while back. It was a message from him that said something like, “If he hadn’t proposed, I would have.” That message was later deleted from their chat.
I’m not sure what to make of that. She hasn’t hidden the existence of this person from me, but the fact that this one message was screenshotted and then deleted makes me feel uneasy. I don’t know if it was just sentimental, nostalgic, or something else – but it’s been sitting in my head.
Our wedding is approaching, and I keep going back and forth between trusting what we’ve built and wondering if there’s something unresolved on her side. I’m also thinking about being honest with her about checking the messages and how I’ve been feeling since.
Would it be better to confront or would that break each-others trust?
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Let it go. She turned him down . U know that LET it go
We seen this a million times. She not over the guy and you need to have her make a choice, you or him. It’s not pretty but she already showing you a big red flag 🚩🚩🚩
You can’t have a marriage with no trust.
Dude, you broke her trust (I would have dumped you) and you even read that she turned him down when he asked her out.
Are you still thinking she is going out there to fuck with him? That’s a crappy insecurity and a crappy trust you have in her.
Just communicate with her that you are not comfortable she keeps communicating with this guy. Other than that, she is not doing anything wrong
Its never a good idea to go snooping in your partners phone if you trust her you wouldn’t have done it. Now that you have are you wondering why she still has contact with that guy? Trust is a big deal.
What would she say if you were the one who didn’t block a former fuck buddy who kept shooting their shot?
You should talk to her and let her know you looked at her phone. As much as people think that is a privacy violation, if you are in a committed relationship there should be nothing to hide. The fact that she hid this screenshot needs to be discussed as if she is marrying you with him still on her mind. Talk to her not strangers here.
Yes, you need to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. I think you are overthinking a bit but if you have a strong relationships, you should be able to talk about these things.
If you aren’t prepared to have a difficult conversation with her don’t get married. There are no secrets in a good marriage. Use your words
You could start by saying something like “hey it kills me to say this but recently I went to your phone(I know I’m not proud of it but that’s the fact) and I found the screenshot of… and it has raised a concern and confusion in me so here I am. Could you tell me what was it about? I’m here to listen and I’m not going to judge you for it, I just want to understand.” And if she does tell you, you listen with empathy, no judging no matter how bad you want to. With that you’ll become her safe place and with the hope of that things become clear whether or not she’s still of any having an unfinished business with the other person. Hope this helps.
Sounds to me like she is only telling you certain parts of their conversation and even deletes parts of their texts so that you never tell her that you are not okay with them being in contact, which would mean that she wants to stay in contact with him even with him making a move on her regularly.
You need to come clean to her so that she can tell you why that text was deleted and why she still held on to it by taking a screenshot of it. Also ask her how she would feel if you would remain in contact with a former fwb that regularly tries to push the boundaries of your friendship.
I have been your fiancee in this situation. And reddit creamed me for it. haha. I would say maybe it’s just friends but the things he has said to your fiancee make it difficult to allow that relationship to continue.
Talk to her, tell her you snooped and know it’s wrong but there shouldn’t be any secrets between ya’ll. It should all be open. She should cut if off because it clearly makes you uncomfortable.
As for the save, she may be flattered or maybe she wanted evidence of the inappropriateness. Either way this guy doesn’t respect your relationship so he shouldn’t be part of ya’lls/ her future.
This is why you take time to really get to know someone before making such a large decision to marry.
Sounds like she held some sort of flame for this guy in the past. And he’s testing the waters often it sounds like, which means he doesn’t respect your relationship. She should really be shutting it down more forcefully than just telling him her current relationship status. And telling you about it would be the honest thing to do since she’s been so “open” about it.
Op, to me she is leaving it open for future opportunities. I would simply say this. I would say about guys name. When was the last time you have been in contact with him? Wait for a response.
Why do you keep an orbiter around in our relationship?
I would sit and wait for a response, as she will likely say she will block him.
This is when I would say, no I don’t want you to block him. However if he texts or messages you again, I don’t want you to even read it. I want you to hand me your phone, and allow me to respond to him for now on. Can you do this? Wait for a response. As you know it will be ok.
Then I would respond with good, because if I ever find out anything any different with this guy. I won’t hesitate to call off the wedding, or divorce you. I won’t tolerate orbiters or poachers being involved in our relationship and future marriage.
When she hands me her phone on the first time. I would respond with hey, guys name, this is your name her fiancé / husband. Look she doesn’t want you and it is obvious you can’t take an hint. I haven’t asked her to block you or anything. I simply asked her to hand me her phone whenever you reach out no matter the method so I can respond. I get it, she is amazing, beautiful, add the adjectives you want. If she wanted you, she would have never said yes. And if you wanted her you would not have treated her like a toy, you discard of when you are done. While she appreciates the attention. If she is handing me her phone and not reading the messages. It’s because she is done with you. So take a hint and lose the number and move on.
Edit to add, if he responds again.
Send a laughing emoji, and 🤏🍆 with yeah she just told me. That will make him go away.
Like someone else said, you should tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with him reaching out and that if she values your relationship she shouldn’t be engaging. That being said, I can tell she probably wanted to be “chosen” by him at some point and probably finds some satisfaction in the fact that he’s now doing this, but he probably never wanted to be with her before and only suddenly cares because he can’t have her. He wouldn’t propose, otherwise, he would date her in the last, but she probably kept the screenshot as a validation for her former feelings and maybe some closure.
So wait did he ask her out AFTER he knew she was engaged?
And why is she still communicating with a guy that she KNOWS is still interested in her? You can’t have a “platonic” relationship with someone that wants to get you in bed. I think you need to tell her what you have seen and if she turns it around on you, I would seriously reconsider the engagement. Keeping the screenshot like that when it was obviously after you proposed and she accepted is REALLY shady.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
This might not be very popular, but I would have impulsively taken a screenshot of that, too. It’s just such a huge compliment, and while not Keats, it’s rather nicely written.
I would have stared at it a few times, not imagining a life with him, likely not even thinking of him, but just basking in this shiny accolade.
And then I would have deleted it.
I think this warrants a discussion. It’s immature and weird to search through a partner’s phone, but I can also see how what you found looked and felt terrible. I don’t forsee a happy marriage if there isn’t real trust between the two of you.
You are the stable safe guy and he is the exciting guy who blows into town for hot action that is why she keeps contact. I would slow the roll on the marriage it probably won’t last long.
This is a tough one: my advice.
Sit her down and share you have a serious concern that you need to address before you get married.
You tell her it’s important to lshare your whole thought uninterrupted and that her response is going to determine how you move forward.
Explain you’ve had a nagging suspicion with this former fb, and you reviewed the conversation. You were dismayed when you found her hidden screen shot of him saying he would have proposed. You have major concerns because why would you screen shot this and delete it? Clearly you have an inappropriate relationship that has you doubt if this marriage is right for both of you.
See how she reacts: if she leans into the invasion of privacy then she’s deflecting responsibility for her inappropriate relationship.
Personally I think you two can be alright but this past flame thing ends today with a block and turn the page. She needs to step up and win your trust back.
Don’t feel bad about going through her phone you had good reason too. She is clearly trying to play both sides of the fence. Just dump her and move on.
Short of cutting communication with him and blocking him after he made multiple attempts of asking her out, she was doing okay by turning him down each time and pointing that she’s engaged to you.
Though if she really respected you and your relationship with her, she would’ve cut contact with him the first time that he asked her out. That’s an amber flag.
But unfortunately she’s really let herself down here….
“What’s been sitting with me more than anything is that I also found a hidden screenshot she’d saved from a while back. It was a message from him that said something like, “If he hadn’t proposed, I would have.” That message was later deleted from their chat.”
That’s a red flag to me, and it would indicate that she isn’t fully over him, and she’s now feeling guilty and conflicted on what she wants.
You are about to get dumped. No job, she’s talking to an ex that makes good $$. She is thinking about moving onto him already. May as well have the talk , you have nothing more to lose.
Talk to her. Calmly. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Also, slow down on the marriage.
It’s disrespectful and emotional cheating. She’s still keeping the door open and she likes the attention. She needs to cut him off completely.
Be honest, there’s no going back once you’re married to her.
OP considered this the biggest blessing in disguise thank everything you didn’t marry her.
OP you’re not stupid you know exactly what she’s doing