My wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. We just bought a house together and got a dog, and things were seemingly on the upswing.
The difference is, our sex life hasn’t been good since the first year of our relationship. It’s mostly consisted of me initiating into constant rejection, or essentially pity sex since it would be a while.
Yesterday we were laying in bed together cuddling, and I started coming onto her. We haven’t had sex in over two months so I thought it was the perfect time to make the move.
She starts making excuses, but eventually goes through with it. When I start initiating the dirty talk, she starts laughing, and I ask her “what’s so funny?” She says, “it’s just weird, I don’t see you like that, I see you as a goofy guy.”
I was flabbergasted. How are you going to tell me that? Essentially telling me you only see me as a friend who you want to live with and raise a dog together?
I’ve been in my head ever since. I don’t want to leave her, since we are best friends, but now that I’m not viewed as a sexual partner does she even want to stay with me? Just confusing times.
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Maybe she just means she can’t see you as somebody who talks dirty? If you’re goofy person and jokes around a lot, I feel like talking dirty has serious undertones to it 😆
I would feel really confused too. I think you need to sit her down for a serious conversation. A lack of sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of a relationship (take asexual people in happy relationships for example) but in this case it might. Idk, ask her what the deal is. Does she experience sexual attraction to other people, just not you? Is she maybe not sexually attracted to men? Or to anyone? Sometimes sexual attraction fades if other parts of the romantic connection are suffering, but the way you describe your relationship doesn’t sound like that to me. But the only way to find out is to ask.
Bottom line, you deserve to have your efforts met, and you deserve a partner that returns the same passion you give. If she can’t for whatever reason, it might be time to rethink things. Sex is an important part of romantic connection.
manipulative
Lots of sex, then no sex, then constant rejection, now ridicules and humiliates you when you put in effort.
I’m not saying its abuse, but….
Y’all need to have a serious talk that should have happened when you started dating. I believe in laying all the cards on the table as to what I want from a relationship…. sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually…all of it. Sex is part of a relationship and marriage and it truly saddens me that people don’t talk about it more. Talk with her, not at her, tell her what you need sexually and go from there.
Sometimes when a partner stops having sex with other it’s because they are getting it somewhere else. If
Love tends to take many forms. The harsh reality is that she may see you as her best friend, but not as interested in sex. This is something that you’ll need to talk about A LOT to see if it’s something you can navigate through or not. First, I’d find out if she’s just not as interested in sex in general as you, or if it’s specifically you that she doesn’t see in a sexual way. If it’s the latter, figure out why and see if it’s something that can be fixed. If she’s just not interested in sex in general, then you’re going to need to have some serious conversations about what the relationship looks like if it continues. Are you expected to just never have sex? Are there things you can do to make it more exciting for both of you? What’s an appropriate frequency for you two to have sex that would be satisfying for both parties?
This would have been ideal to have figured out before getting married, but I think now you just have to figure out what the sexual compatibility is in your marriage, and see if it’s something that can be improved, or at the very least that the two of you can deal with. It’s definitely going to involve a lot of uncomfortable conversations if you’re both serious about making things work though. Good luck to you either way.
I think she meant just the dirty talk, I feel like when certain people do it, it can come off as funny or forced if they are typically goofy people. I’m sure she didn’t mean it as you are taking it. But the lack of sex, please try and get a handle on that now. Sit her down and talk honestly about how it makes you feel.
“We haven’t had a decent sex life for 4 of the 5 years we’ve been together. Decided to get married. What do I do now”
Dirty talk doesn’t do it for some people. Just like porn doesn’t do it for some people. Both make me laugh. It’s just so…weird to me. Uncomfortable even.
Why don’t you try more non sexual intimate touch instead of making any time you show attention be a push for sex?
You deserve to have your needs met at least part way for sure but it sounds like she just isn’t into it for some reason. Have you talked about that?
Maybe you just sound cringe AF doing dirty talk
“Raise a dog together” lol
I had a similar issue with my partner. He was always so goofy… and even when he would come onto me it would be kinda like a joke or playful.
Which was fine… but when it was every time it lost the romance for me so sex became less interesting.
Y’all should have an open and honest conversation about it and put work towards building up some romance
maybe she just meant she doesn’t see you as someone who talks dirty. i love my
fiance but when he starts talking dirty i laughed too. it’s just not him, and it’s not something that works for him.
“pity sex” “Started making excuses, but eventually went through with it” Sounds like she’s only sleeping with you when you pressure her? Why do you want to sleep with someone that doesn’t want it or it’s just pity?
Leave bro. Next step is the cheating starts if it hasn’t already. If she doesn’t see that with you chances are she sees someone else as that and withdraws from you because her needs are met with the other person. Even if just emotional affair it’s still taking something for you away and giving to someone else hence cheating.
Although we don’t know the context you might have just said something she thought was silly.
Calling someone funny or hilarious is a compliment.
Calling someone goofy or a goofy is very negative compared to having a sense of humor or being funny.
It sounds like she doesn’t take you serious or respect you.
Talk to her and see what she means straight up and what the issue is no one deserves to parade around in a dead relationship.
I have to be honest I am really surprised you even married her. It’s obvious you guys are on different wavelengths here. She either has no sex drive or is not sexually attracted to you or a little bit of both. This is a problem.
Now you complicated things by buying a house so your options are limited on what you’re going to do here. Either stay in a completely sexist marriage, where you are obviously going to be very happy or leave.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I just went through something like this with my ex. Once the sexual attraction is gone, it’s really hard to recover. You basically became her roommate.
I was in the same boat and found out my ex was cheating on me with a “friend” from work.
Maybe she has a boyfriend, so she would be cheating on the boyfriend if she has sex with her husband.
OP should divorce her before they have kids.
Well man. I hate to say this. My wife and I were together for 9 years. We were married for almost 4. Our last year of marriage was bad. Really bad. We tried to open the marriage for a bit because we wanted to try to find a solution to our issue. That was a bad idea. A lot happened in the last year of our relationship and it created a very depressed state for us both. She then left me for another dude. She told me why she no longer loved me like she used to.
This caused her to give up and we started our divorce process. Her and I were best friends. We got along so well. After she stopped loving me emotionally, I moved out. She didn’t want therapy. I went through a major depression. Nearly killed me, I thought about suicide. Planned it and everything.
So listen to this last part. It’s important.
… why did yall get married?
Have you had an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings and concerns? That would be the first step. There are a variety of factors to consider here. Your feelings are valid, but it would be good to know why she feels this way. What is the root of it? Does she feel emotionally safe in the relationship? What are her turn ons? What is her love language? On the other hand, she might just have a lower libido than you do. But these things need to be discussed. It might also be a good idea to look into couples counseling so that you are both able to express your feelings with a third-party to help mediate.
My husband is super goofy and silly. I still loooooove the dirty talk. Despite everything, except illness or injury, we both make the time to be intimate at least once a week. We only went two months without sex due to my endometriosis and after I had a hysterectomy. Obviously you have to wait after surgery. My endometriosis was bad and I was eaten alive with it so sex was extremely painful and I would cramp for a week after the big O.
Unless there’s some complication, your spouse shouldn’t constantly reject you. That’s not okay. Also, if your sex life was bad after the first year, why did you get married?
Ask yourself why she’d be ok with a relationship with her husband where she doesn’t see him as anything but a buddy. Something wrong here.
Whether she meant the dirty talk or in a sexual way it is definitely a buzz kill.
One possibility: Do you balance housework and household responsiblity fairly? Does she have to ask you to do things or do you just get them done? Does she believe it’s fair and equitably balanced? If not she’s feeling like your mom and not your partner and that is not attractive.
Dirty talk doesn’t fo it for me either. Give me that big… just seems scripted or goofy.
That being said, don’t want my partner to be a starfish is bed (I’ve had a few that just layed there), good to change positions, have movement lol, and moans of pleasure mean more than dirty talking.
Have a talk with her. Find out what she likes. Don’t start a fight, just bring up the sex life has dwindled for quite some time, and you’d like it to more frequent with the goal of pleasing her in bed.
You’re best friends, great, get on well great, but the intimacy is low. Time for a chat, please don’t let her comments emasculate you, tell her yes you’re funny but there’s also other needs and go from there, put it on the table what you want and expect to happen sexually within the confines of your marriage. I hope it works
Get out now
You have had sexual issues for years. She only has sex when you nag/coerce/pester her about it (like this time when you refused to take no for an answer until she finally “gave in”). But you got married anyways, knowing this was a problem? That wasn’t very wise.
If sex is an important part of a relationship to you, you two might not be compatible. Maybe couple’s therapy could help. A conversation or two is definitely in order. This relationship may need to end if you both can’t find a way to get on the same page.
Liking someone’s personality but not seeing them
In a sexual way = friendship. Liking someone’s personality and seeing them in a sexual way = relationship. Idk how much simpler to put it
Finna sound like a cornball but sex isn’t always necessary for a long lasting relationship, but if it’s something that YOU want in a relationship to feel as if it’s valid then you should consider talking to her about it or she might not be the one you want. Different people have different needs and wants, sometimes sex is neither 🤷♀️.
Why did you get married after having problems with your sex life for almost half a decade?
OK, first off… saying she doesn’t like you talking dirty doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you sexually.
My husband is the nicest guy ever, and when he tries to talk dirty or even use words like “pussy” it just brings things to a screeching halt. Not because I have any issue with those words or dirty talk… it just is so against how I see him and who he is. It reminds me of some little kid saying bad words for the effect. It’s just awkward and misplaced. To be fair… dude is amazing in bed, and knows his way around getting it done right. If he gets chatty, I point blank tell him it is NOT working. It’s not because he isn’t an amazing sexual partner, it just seems like he is acting the part in a cheesy porn when he starts talking.
Beyond that… you should not have married. You are incompatible in a fundamental way. You are relatively new in a relationship/marriage, and you are not fulfilled. It doesn’t bode well for your relationship lasting. I would talk to a counselor and see if there is an underlying issue, and work on considering ending things. Life’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t vibe with you on basic levels. Great that you’re friends… but you can do that scene without a wedding ring.
Looks like you need to get some bitche$. Have you no shame? Wth is wrong with you?
Go get some escorts to release all the pain you have from your balls being so blue all the time.
Why did you even get married?
Get an annulment using “Withholding of affection” as the reason.
Maybe she needs this maybe she nerds that. She possibly doesn’t like this or that. The only real way to answer any of these questions is to ask. Have you even had a discussion with her on any of this stuff?
My guy.. it sounds like your wife is asexual.. this wouldn’t be anything you should take personally, but it would be important for you and her both to be aware of. If she loves you, has stuck with you, and supports you, then it ain’t about the sex for her. Fact is, if she is asexual, she will not ever experience sexual attraction with you, or anyone for that matter.
This is an issue you didn’t talk about or consider before getting married…
And marriage didn’t fix it.
So you need to sit down and have the hard conversations. Figure out if this is important to her as well, or just you.
With that information you have to decide if this is how you want to next 50 years of your life to be.
Why did you wait 5 years and one house before you addressed this?
She’s saving the sex Part for another guy….
awful sex life for at least 4 years. buys a house despite that.
Your goofiness is mindboggling.
She has every right to be celibate. She doesn’t have the right to demand that of you. You are looking down a long, cold road, my friend. You have to stop being so emotionally available. If she’s not sexually interested in you now, why would you think it’ll get better? You think with age it’ll get better? Come on. You need to clear your head. Stop. Take a deep breath. Is this how you want to live your life? Fear of change can drag your life through hell. Trust me. I know.
Terrible sex life.
Why did you marry her when she does not meet ur sexual needs.
If things don’t change than best to end marriage to be free to find someone who desires you.
A “goofy guy”? Not even a mediocre husband… but a “goofy guy”….?
doesnt sound like she was ever physically attracted to you. are you the sole provider?
If she asks for an open marriage, run for the hills.
Do you always dirty talk? My husband is a goofy guy and we don’t really dirty talk, I think if he were to, I’d find it completely weird too and I’d probably laugh, lol
Either way you need to sit her down and discuss why she isn’t as interested in sex, if it you, her, maybe you need to find out what she likes or doesn’t and go from there.
Look up Esther Perel. She has a lot of insights in intimacy.
Also, as other people have said, you need to have a deep, vulnerable conversation with your partner about your sex life and what you both need in a partner.
Ask her if it’s okay to have sex with other women if she’s not into you.
Why would you marry her when she is barely attracted to you?
You should talk to her about this instead of posting here. Tell her that it bothers you. Attraction can be fickle at times, the important thing is that you both respect and love each other. Ask her what you can do to not be goofy
Sounds like a perfect time to see a marriage therapist AFTER a talk to see if the marriage matters to her.
Wow, this is pretty much my exact situation, except that the wife (F65) and I (M64) are roughly twice your age. We’ve been together for 12 years now. Speaking for myself, “It’s SUPER PAINFUL to be in a relationship like this!!!” She agreed to an open relationship, but I can’t find a partner to “fulfill my sexual and emotional needs.” And her physical and mental issues has declined dramatically, so in many ways, we’re in the same boat.
I wish I had the answer to these problems, but I don’t. I wish us both the best. 😢🙏🙏🙏