I [32F] have been with my partner [37M] for almost eight years now. He has been such a grounding force in my life and we have moved forward and built a really comfortable life together. When we met I was in one of the most severe depressive episodes of my life – we stuck together through job changes, losses of family members and pets, lifestyle changes and health scares (on both sides). I’m recurring to this Reddit because honestly I’m embarrassed to talk about this with anyone irl.
In the grand scheme of things he’s genuinely such a good addition to my life. Always looks out for my safety, wants to ensure my health and comfort, loyal, honest, etc. There are smaller cracks though that I tend to ignore in favor of all of the good things.
His previous relationships weren’t exactly ideal. When I met him he’d been divorced for a year (his previous wife of 5 years cheated and was physically abusive). I’d never really been in a relationship that lasted over a year before him. That led to a lot of jealousy and resentment.
I’m the extrovert of the two, and I used to really enjoy going out dancing with my friends – he doesn’t dance and doesn’t trust me to participate in nightlife without him. Naturally, I compromised for the sake of the relationship and stopped partying almost entirely – it felt like the grown up thing to do. I still hear comments every now and then about how much of a slut I used to be and how I could cheat on him at any moment. Those always sting, I’m not exactly a confident person.
He always seemed to get annoyed if I try to make too many plans without him (for reference, twice in a month would make him annoyed but he wouldn’t fight me on it – more than that would be pushing it). I get confused because we both work from home, we basically spend every day together and still make plans on the weekends to go out to eat or shop for new items for our collections.
As of about a year and a half ago, I’d catch him listening to borderline redpill content on TikTok and laughing along. It unsettled me, and I’d mention it and react at times, but it never really went anywhere. At times he’ll go on rants about how all women are liars and whores, which makes me pretty distressed knowing the comments he’s directed at me personally before. More often, I’ll hear him criticizing women as a monolith rather than complimenting me directly as his partner.
Yesterday he said “You know what? I never said anything because I was being politically correct but I guess I would classify as a misogynist.” He then went on to say how he basically hates all women except his mother, his sister, and me. I didn’t really react at the time, I’ve barely started to process it to be honest. I get this pit in my stomach the more I think about it, because I’m very aware of how tenuous my being an exception to the rule is.
I’ve brought up couples therapy before and he laughed in my face, so I genuinely don’t know where to go from here. Do I throw away eight years of building a life together? How do I fix this?
(Appreciate your help if you’ve read this far)
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
If he doesn’t want to fix things with you then it’s a losing battle. Laughing in your face is disrespectful so I would say, yes you leave him and throw away 8 years of what you built. He’s also older so it’s likely he won’t change his ways
I think you know the answer already. Do you want to be with a man like this? Hear those kinds of sentiments every day for the rest of your life?
8 years is the sunk cost fallacy. Don’t keep going because you feel you’ve put in time. Getting out is the best thing you can do for yourself.
look up sunk cost fallacy. the time would’ve passed anyway, no use staying somewhere ur unhappy.
ur still young, find someone who you won’t have to stay small for, all for the sake of being one of 3 women he can TOLERATE; and out of the 3, ur the only one he can fuck. remember that.
You walk away with your head held high. He wants to be able to tell his friends you were “crazy and irrational like all women” and don’t give him that. Just say “I think we have different values” and leave
> I’m very aware of how tenuous my being an exception to the rule is.
Glad you recognize that. Unfortunately, you now need to take the next step and realize you’re not actually an exception – you just haven’t found the thing you care enough about to not be willing to give into his demands you give it up for him yet. And if he’s gotten comfortable enough to not even bother hiding he doesn’t respect or trust you on a fundamental level because of something you can’t change, that breaking point is coming. You don’t want him to have fully broken you by the time it does.
This life isn’t something you’ve been building “together”: he tells you what to want, and you go along with it even if it makes you sad or hurt or lonely. If that’s not how you want the rest of your life to go, time to reach out to some of those friends you’ve let him push away and make an escape plan.
If his actual behavior has changed couple’s therapy might pull him back to being the person you were willing to stay with for eight years. But if he’s just spouting off and saying things he might be just trying it on for the shock factor. A true misogynist doesn’t make exceptions for a sister or a girlfriend. So if he’s been a decent guy who’s just gotten sucked into a momentary fad there might be hope. Actions are always more important than words.
It’s amazing what some people put up with.
RUN THE FUCK AWAY.
This man is going to keep going down that redpill road and end up being crazy. You’ll piss him off and you’ll be off the list of women he doesnt hate.
Get out. And tell his family.
When someone tells you or shows you who they are, believe them. And don’t think you can “fix it.” You can’t.
Imagine if you have a daughter with this man, whether or not you actually want kids. Just imagine it. Would you subject a little girl to a father like him? Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Not allowed out as much as you desire(control), loosing hobbies(control), loosing confiedence(control). The only reason you make the cut is because you obey him.
People can do the helpful things (usually because it suits them at the time) while still choosing to harbor harmful worldviews. It’s time to leave him and move on, because he’ll only get worse. The longer you stay the more he’ll shift the goal posts and undermine and cut at you daily to make you “prove” you’re the exception to “all women” that he’s determined to hate so much.
You’re not throwing 8 years away. You got yourself to this point and have learned a valuable lesson on how someone can gradually drop their mask and make you think you’re the problem. Call it quits, and live for yourself a while.
oh so he’s dumb AND malicious. let this one go
Leave. You had blinders on because you were so young and struggling so deeply. He’s controlling, verbally abusive, and hates women??? Obviously leave.
You go away from him and end things.
What you do is not waste anymore time on him.
He needs to get therapy on his own accord because he wants to not because you do.
There is no fixing things. You cannot fix him. He would need to change himself, but that just doesn’t happen. He just had a long honeymoon period, and now it’s time for you to get out.