I’ve been with my(32F) boyfriend (38M) for 5 years. We’re currently in a LDR— he lives in the US, and I live in another country. He’s straight ( I have no doubts about this).
Recently, I found out that he attended a special event organized by his close friend, who is a lesbian. This was not a one-time thing. It turns out he’s been attending for a while whenever she invites him.
The part that bothers me is that these events often have explicit performances, including nudity. What’s also bothering me is that he never told me about the erotic/nude performances before. He only ever mentioned that he was “at his lesbian friend’s event.” I only found out the full details later.
While I understand that the performers are women and mostly lesbian, I still feel really uncomfortable knowing he was there. It’s not about me suspecting him of cheating, but the sexual nature of the performances makes me uneasy. I haven’t confronted him yet because I want to process my own feelings first and figure out whether this is something I should let go of, set a boundary about, or see as a bigger incompatibility issue. I don’t want to come across as controlling, but I also think it’s reasonable to feel bothered, especially because he didn’t share the full nature of the event with me.
What do you think? I’m sure that if I bring this up, it will trigger an argument because she’s a close friend of his.
TL;DR: Boyfriend attends events hosted by his lesbian friend that include nudity/explicit performances. He never told me about that part — only that he was at her events. He’s straight, I’m not worried about cheating, but I still feel uncomfortable and unsure if I should bring it up or set boundaries
Comments
I think you should tell him how you feel, tell him what you have told us and then you all can discuss how to more forward
He was supporting his friend’s event. If you don’t trust him, don’t date him. It’s really that simple.
One important distinction I find many people miss – you can’t set a boundary around him going or not. Boundaries can’t control other peoples actions. You can set a boundary around your reaction however and if you’ll continue to put up with it if he keeps going to these events.
You cannot set boundaries for other people to follow. That’s not how boundaries work. The boundary is that you don’t support these type of events. His boundary might be that he always supporting his friends. You need to decide if people who attend are compatible with your boundary.
What exactly are these “events”?
There’s a reason he left out the part about the nude erotic performances.
If it bothers you then talk to him like idk what you want us to tell you.
I personally wouldn’t care. The friend is a lesbian and it’s not like he’s going and hooking up. If you trust him then idk what the problem is. Did you ask him to tell you everything that happens at these things when he first started going and he didn’t tell you anything?
Have you considered going with him to one of these events? Is he open to that?
Are you talking about Burlesque? Drag shows? Performance art? Drawing classes? Strip clubs?
Sounds like the lying by omission is the actual problem. People don’t hide events/chats/calls etc if there’s nothing sketchy about it.
What do you think is actually the reason you’re bothered about this? Is it that he’s been in the audience while naked women have been performing on stage, or is it that he’s been (probably) withholding information from you on purpose? Did he tell you other details about the event and just left out the parts about them being naked? If it were me I would feel upset because it would indicate that he feels comfortable withholding information or omitting details to help himself out. However it could also mean that he views these performances purely as art and it never occurred to him to mention the nudity. I think this is a classic Reddit case where you just need to ✨communicate✨
Maybe he’s not mentioning it because it bothers you. Why would he want to deal with your insecurities if it’s not warranted.
If you’re a person that gets jealous and insecure quickly I’d definitely avoid bringing up topics that would trigger that.
like burlesque? burlesque is awesome.
Sounds like you’re not into a partner who goes to these types of events. You should reevaluate your relationship. It’s not fair to restrict him from this. Sure an all boys weekend where you’ve seen him on his phone looking at thirst traps well before. That’s the time to start feeling off about things. He’s going out to support his friend’s event and that’s all. The nudity is not designed for the male gaze at these events so what you’re imagining isn’t what happens. Plus he’s seen way worse watching porn.
You keep on saying “erotic performance” in your post and replies. Can you just specify if it was a drag show, burlesque, something else? It’s fine if you’re uncomfortable with it but refusing to give an actual answer makes it hard to judge this situation (and also a bit out of touch with LGBT culture).