There’s a man in my life who feels like everything my inner child has longed for. He’s strong, confident, protective — the father-like energy I never had growing up. When I’m with him, I feel safe, wanted, and deeply connected — especially sexually, where we match in ways I’ve never experienced before. I think I need him … I am so emotionally unstable, scared , have low self esteem and poor confidence level and he is just the opposite … very confident and all. When I’m with him I also lose my doubts and fears…
But my adult self is full of doubts.
When I bring up serious things like religion, being childfree, or finances, he never gives clear answers. When I bug him more he says I don’t understand him. Once, he even said he lost feelings for me after I raised concerns about money, because he felt I was making “demands.” He says he still loves me but has stopped hoping for a future with me because I make demands and that shows that I don’t love him
I don’t feel understood when I talk to him…
And yet, I crave him. My inner child misses his presence.
I’m torn between the comfort he gives me and the unease I feel when I try to build something real with him. Has anyone else felt this kind of split — between what your inner child wants and what your adult knows might not be safe?
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How long have you been together? My bf would shut down when we’d have talks about more serious stuff until about 4-4.5 years in, when he was ready to start investing in our future. What about your conversations does he view as “making demands?” Maybe you need to figure out how to phrase your questions and concerns that give him the space to be open and honest. I was ready to marry my bf after the first like… 6 months. But I’m glad we’ve waited, we’re 5.5 years in now (still not married) and things are perfect cuz we really took our time fleshing out how to be the best partners to eachother that we can be.
Are you in therapy? I think you would strongly benefit. A man cannot fix issues with your self-esteem. That’s work you have to do internally. Once you’re in a healthy place I think you’ll realize that someone you can’t communicate with is not the right choice.
Sounds hard, so you know what you want in your future? Marriage, kids, mortage?? If you have a clear path you want to take maybe write it down, sit down with him and talk about the future. Tell him what path you wanna take and if his path is different then maybe youse are incompatible. best of luck
I think you crave him precisely because you feel misunderstood. Because maybe if you could get him to see you, that would finally heal some wound you’ve been carrying. Except this is not how you heal that wound, in fact this guy will probably make it worse.
Referring to your inner child and then referencing sex is kind of odd. I would rephrase honestly. Anyway beyond that my suggestion is to break up. He doesnt see you as his future wife.he sees you as a placeholder until he finds the one he does see that way. Religion, finances and children are all important factors in a serious relationship that can be deal breakers for most people. If he’s not willing to have the conversation its because he doesnt view you as important enough to have the conversation with. You can find a man who will want these conversations with you and treats you well..is it easy? No but they exist. This is of course all just my opinion.
I could not get past:
>I think I need him
With the greatest respect, that is not love. You may wish to work on your self esteem and your self love with a therapist.
The rest of your post describes reasons for being single while you search for your inner happiness and peace.
While I can’t really offer any solid advice on how to move forward, I can relate to the feeling. What I want is almost never what I need. I am very much accustomed to emotionally unstable people, and so that is what I end up looking for in my relationships.
What helps me is to sit down away from everyone else. I need to be alone because I struggle to keep a concept of self when I’m around other.
First, I try to remember what I wanted my future to look like before I met this person. I think about how my values are represented in that future. “I’ll have a loving doting husband. I will be financially secure. I will have open and honest communication with my loved ones.”
Then, I think about what my future might look like if I continue the way I am now. “He won’t speak about money now, how are we going to get a home together?” If you don’t even know if he wants kids, you can’t even reliably imagine that future.
Finally, I compare the two. How similar or different are they? Am I okay with these differences? Which is more upsetting, staying the way I am or trying to make a change? You have to choose for yourself what to do with that information.
Honestly, it sounds like you know that this isn’t good for you. At the beginning of your post you say you feel connected to him, but by the end you say you don’t feel understood. Your own perception of the relationship is split in two. As an outsider, I can tell you I would not move forward in a relationship with someone who won’t have the big conversations with me. It’s up to you on how long you feel comfortable staying in this limbo. I hope that helps.