My (32F) partner and I (27F) have been in a relationship for about a year. We’ve been going through a certain problem for MONTHS and it’s making our relationship rockier. I’m not even sure how this started but basically my partner thinks that I do things to control her weight. These are things that I do that make her lose her appetite or make her feel disgusted or insecure. For example, there are situations where I will leave the bathroom door open on accident while she’s eating or I will touch her like rubbing her back or something. There have been times where I have taken her plate because I thought she was done eating, or I will start cleaning up the food while she’s eating and she’ll take it as me not wanting her to eat as much. She has told me before that she thinks it’s because when I’m done eating, I also want her to be done. If I don’t include something in her lunch for work, again she’ll take it as me not wanting her to eat as much or not eat certain foods. That’s not the truth though.
A few days ago, I serve her a decent amount of food after her shift. She told me it was too much, and she just wanted something small. She then asked for banana bread I gave her a thick piece. She looked at it and she assumed I was being passive aggressive. I then cut the banana bread to make it smaller. A few moments later, we’re both sitting on the couch and I’m doing this behavior where I’m just rubbing my feet. I’m not even engaged in what she’s doing at this moment. She notices me doing this and she assumes that I’m being passive aggressive again by doing something I guess nasty or idek to get her to stop eating and she then slams a cup of milk on the table and the milk goes everywhere. She then gets up aggressively throwing the plate of banana bread, breaking it. As this is happening, she’s telling me “Is this what you want?” over and over again.
I’ve never had a partner break something or act like that, so it shocked me. She’s apologized since then, but I still don’t know what to make of it. I’m looking for some insight and advice. I don’t know if it’s me. If i’m doing something. It seems like I always am.
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This is wild. Get away from her. Seriously. She has her own food issues clearly and is making them your responsibility. If you don’t want to break up, at the very least you are telling her that you’re not involved in feeding her at all. She gets her own damn banana bread and makes her own meals. Why the hell are you serving her in the first place?
It is absolutely not ok. Whatever your partner’s self esteem or food issues may be, it does not in any way give her the right to abuse and frighten you.
No that’s toxic
No this is not okay. This is very odd behaviour. I assume you have communicated to her that you have no problem with what she eats. Your partner sounds like she has some paranoia/disordered eating. She needs professional help for this. Breaking things in a fit of rage is not healthy. What may help is establishing some boundaries where your partner is fully responsible for what she eats and cleaning up after herself. This may help while she starts the process of going through therapy.
I do agree that this is not okay and food is clearly a trigger for her. It’s not you. She needs to deal with her triggers before being in a relationship.
That being said, I do thing it’s kinda rude to start cleaning the food while someone else is still eating, it pisses me off when someone does that. Of course, not on the level of being a jerk about it.
Absolutely not acceptable. Go find someone who like herself, this girl has issues to work through before she’s ready for a relationship
Of course that’s not acceptable. Normal healthy relationships don’t involve fighting and throwing things, ever. I mean I certainly don’t want someone to do something “gross” while I’m eating, but she’s freaking out if you even touch her? I’m certainly no psychiatrist but it feels like she might have body image issues and she’s trying to blame them on you. There is a lack of good communication here, and she needs to get over some of these hangups. Personally the minute someone screamed and threw things, I’d be done. I’d certainly stop preparing/packing/cleaning up any meals for her and ask if she’d consider therapy.
This chick is one to dump. She sounds like she needs a therapist not a partner.
She has some serious issues with food or eating, I think. This sounds like she’s projecting her own issues into your behaviour. The only thing you’re describing that actually warrants some kind of criticism is getting the plate of a person who is not finished eating. Like, ask before you grab that. But the reaction is waaay over the top. That’s when you tell the person to leave your plate alone and then just continue eating, not start a rant about food intake.
This will not stop unless it’s addressed. Does she want to address it though?
baby nooooo such a big red flag for ongoing DV