My boyfriend and his mom are enmeshed
I need advice and to get this off my chest I feel I have no one from the outside to go to.
I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (33m) for 15 years, we own a house together and have 3 kids.
Since day one I knew him and his mom were “close” he was around 18 when we started dating. They hung out EVERYDAY he even ran every errand she had with her, she got jealous when we started dating if we went to get food together shed made comments like “you didn’t get anything for me” she also said werid stuff like (not his real name) “Steve’s my little boyfriend” which always creeped me out. I remember her even calling him her valentine on valentines days🤢 and when he got lawsuit money from a childhood accident he bought her 2,000 dollar ring it was so weird to me that she would let him do something like that..
When I got pregnant and we moved out she went crazy saying good luck in the real world and stomping around the house yelling. She’d never had a real husband or partner so I really think that’s the reason she has placed Steve into that role instead of treating him like a son. She also expected to take part in raising my children and became angry when I didn’t let that happen.
Over the years since we moved out bought our own house and had 3 kids, in some ways he has come along and started setting “ some boundaries” but he still needs to talk to her daily, calls and texts and hangs out her basically anytime he isn’t with me or the kids. And days I work and he has the kids he has her over immediately and even the kids are getting sick of it..he also still buys her expensive gifts like an iPad Apple Watch etc for holidays or her bdays which still is odd to me.
She also knows everything about our relationship there aren’t any secrets if we have an argument he tells her, even times I’ve asked him not to. She comes up to me and talks about details of stuff that happened between me and him and it makes me uncomfortable. Steve sees no issue and told me he doesn’t care how I feel and there’s nothing wrong with their relationship.
They also have also had this odd bond over substances she shares her prescription pills with him and they use marijuana together it always reminded me of how friends bonded over drinking or using substances. When I was younger it didn’t bother me until we had are own kids and I realized how weird it is that his mom and him act like buddies who use together. When I asked him why he thinks it’s normal he gets defensive and says it’s not a big deal and he has back problems and marijuana is legal..
Basically I just need advice. I don’t feel that I’ve ever been happy in this relationship and I don’t see him ever changing and realizing how odd his relationship with her is. I feel like Idk what a normal mother son relationship is so idk if I should just be ok with him having to call, text and see her basically everyday, and him sharing all details of our life with her.. but I feel like I’m going crazy.
Edit: He recently has been laid off for a year so I didn’t realize how bad it was until now that they both have an open schedule. She doesn’t work. When he was working they would just see each other weekends. Now that it’s daily it honestly just shocking to me.
Comments
You should have stopped when you saw this red flag 14 years ago.
Your only real option is to leave. I would say divorce, but that’s not a thing. Maybe you are common law married and can still use the courts to your advantage. Take the kids and he can move back in with mommy.
Honestly the main thing that stood out to me in all of this was “he told me he doesn’t care how I feel”. That would be a key moment for me personally. If my partner can’t respect some really basic boundaries and then tells me they don’t care how I feel about it, then I don’t think they really care about me.
The fact that you were young and that you don’t think you’re happy in this relationship is enough of a reason to leave. All the rest is just the universe screaming at you to leave.
But I get that leaving is hard. So make a plan. Work your plan. And do it quietly so that when you are ready, you can leave and know you and your kids. will be ok.
I have no words. I can see how this developed but you are the other woman and this won’t change. I’m sorry. I also can’t help but wonder what else they share physically or codependently.
Is everyone thinking what Im thinking???
That is crazy sick. I’m a mom of 2 grown men and I raised them to give their wives a good life. I still guide them but no way would I allow that behavior. It’s a codependency that crosses so many boundaries. I’m not one for throwing choices out there, especially when children are involved but this one screams it. You deserve better.
Im
Honestly worried about this behavior its not normal maybe your `HUSBAND’ needs therapy or you could talk to him about why he has this need to spend all of his free time with her. That is odd. I mean i spend time with my mom but it isnt like this comeon? This is weird and you shouldve noticed this and left. Mamas boys are not for everyone and chances are he will be like this forever…
OP, he won’t change. It’s basically emotional incest and you and your kids will never be prioritized. The decision is yours.
What’s your career?
How the fuck did you have three kids with this man?
I have a 16 year old son, I barely see him, and he lives me! 🤣 I could never imagine doing or encouraging that behaviour. My daughter is 19, and we are super close, but boundaries are always needed. It sounds like they have zero boundaries.
I honestly would call it a day while you are still young enough to move on. It’s definitely not normal.
Sounds like emotional incest.
I can’t believe you’ve dealt with that all these years. No, this “dependency” is not normal. You should suggest moving to a different state away from her and see his reaction, probably flip out! Ha but in all seriousness, this is not okay and I would consider divorce and moving out if this wouldn’t change. Divorce cuts the middleman (you) and they can be happy together.
It sounds like you’re in a challenging situation, and it’s understandable to feel uneasy with how close your boyfriend is with his mom. Relationships should have healthy boundaries, and it’s important for both partners to feel comfortable and respected. It might help to gently talk to your boyfriend about how his relationship with his mom makes you feel, and see if you can find a balance that works for both of you. Sometimes, having an open conversation about boundaries can lead to better understanding and compromise.
Google “emotional incest”
I got no advice, but seriously, WTF!?
Dude is in some seriously f’kd-up situation!
This is how it’s like in Indian sub-continent except in-laws live together… and those wives who want to live in their own apartment are considered bad wives/DIL.
What is with the age difference between you and your boyfriend when you started dating him? Were you only 14 while he was 18?
Honestly there’s nothing to do about it now. He’s always been like this, you’ve allowed it to go on for over a decade and continued having children with him knowing how he is and how involved she would be. What do you expect now? He’s just going to see the light and change who he is? Why would he?
Even if you aren’t married, you need a lawyer. You need a custody agreement and child support and to figure out how to split assets fairly.
Interesting, I don’t have time to read it right now so I’ll comment so I can save it. The title at the beginning is murky. God, you have to be a little crazy to mess with Mother. I’ll read it later!
This is who he is. Either learn to leave with it, or leave, because he has no intention or interest in changing.
Someone give me a tldr please.
And to think this could have been stopped back in (checks notes) 2011. Obama was in his first term — that’s how long ago it was. Yet here we are.
That aside, and decade-plus of yuckiness that was allowed to happen … if you want to be happy, OP, get out. Or fully embrace your crappy lifestyle. Those are the options.
Get out. This is weird af.
>he doesn’t care how I feel
That would be enough for me to insist on marriage counseling.
You were both practically babies when you started dating and he has never grown up. He has never had to break this weird bond with his mother because you didn’t insist on it. I get it, you were young and all that. Think about it this way – if he had gone off to college and met someone when he was a young adult, there’s no way his GF would have put up with this. The other women he met would have told him it was weird and he would have either gained some perspective on this or he and Mommy would be happily cohabitating.
My guess is that when you talk to him about it, he just sees you as jealous. He needs someone outside the relationship to tell him that this isn’t normal and that he is hurting your relationship, and even that might not help.
Honestly, I find it weird enough that I would get out. It’s affecting you, it’s affecting your kids, and it’s just an unhealthy level of attachment.
You married into that shit sandwich already knowing the ingredients. Good luck…you’ll need it.
You had kids with this guy?
I guess I’m shocked that you have put up with it this long and still agreed to have kids with him?? It’s really a shame that you completely ignored your gut instinct. Because it was right all those years ago.
My friend married a guy like this, and I had warned her that his relationship with his mother was eventually going to ruin their marriage and it did. Like your husband, he called his mother multiple times a day, always ran to her if they had a marital dispute and told her all their marital problems which made her hate my friend. They were just normal arguments, but because he always put a twist on everything And made it her fault his mother, who is already looking for a reason to hate her, was happy to take all those arguments and hold them against her. She meddled in their relationship constantly. 23 yrs later they divorced and now she regrets ever marring him. Don’t be like her and waste 23 yrs because all you’re doing is putting off the inevitable.
You already said you’ve never been happy in this relationship. He has never, and will never, put you first. He doesn’t see you other than someone to have and raise his children. There’s really only 2 options: you can leave or stay and waste your life in a marriage you’re not happy in.
OP, their relationship is really weird, I understand gifting expensive stuff if you can afford it, and even sharing a drink or a joint, that’s fine too, especially now he’s an adult (I mean, I drink with my mom sometimes, don’t see why a joint would be that different nowadays). But the valentine thing and the co dependency is creepy shit.
But to me the worst parts are that he literally DOESNT CARE about your boundaries (I would be so pissed if my SO shared our secrets with someone who would weaponise it against me later – tho I’d understand venting to a respectful and discreet friend, for instance). He told you to your face. I mean, that is not okay, we don’t let our partners treat us like that, nuh-uh. And also you said yourself you’re not happy.
I think you know the answer. You deserve to be happy. This is toxic af, divorce his ass!
As a man, that is very atypical. From my experience, women are more attached to their family than the men I know.
TIL the term “enmeshed”
Out of everything… sharing prescription meds & possibly illegal drugs… that a choice to gamble on your kids. What will happen if something goes wrong while he or her are taking some of that shared stuff. An ER is going to demand answers. If it happens without you there & he’s supposed to be watching the kids then trust me it’ll be more than the ER asking very serious questions. I’m sure you feel your kids aren’t worth gambling, now does he? That puts you in a bad situation. He’s got to understand this, his decision makes your decision. You do what is needed for your little ones safety, and yours.
You had not 1,not 2, but 3 children with an enmeshed man?! Whew, Chile…🤦♀️
He’s been jobless for a year and he’s still around? Girl get gone.
I’m not sure why you married him when you noticed things back when you were dating. It would have been better had you just walked away. Good luck trying to get anything to change 15 years down the line
So you knew from the start their dynamic. You’ve never been really happy and yet you stayed.
What are you asking Reddit for help if you’re not planning on leaving.
That’s your only option.
Sucks to realize you’ve never been happy AFTER HAVING 3 KIDS.