My (33F) fiancé (44M) and I have been together for almost 6 years and engaged for about half a year. We’ve talked about plans to get married and start a family a couple years ago. Once we got engaged I started planning the wedding right away. I noticed his family never asked about wedding planning and he always shrugged this off. I began asking him more about his first marriage, the wedding, talk of kids, and the divorce. My fiancé treats me very well, is attentive and kind but something about hearing the stories of other women dating men who never officially divorced possessed me to dig deeper. That’s when I discovered on my own that he never got divorced. I was beyond shocked and betrayed. He was then very remorseful and confessed to other secrets, most centered around money. Now, a couple weeks and therapy sessions later, I have again discovered on my own that there was an overlap between his last ex and our relationship. This man has given me so much joy and yet has also been capable of lying so many times. I have never been someone to dig into someone’s past, certainly not to this extent. This is not my first serious relationship but I now have so many questions as to what’s “normal” for people and relationships. Is this man capable of being honest? Is there any scenario where staying is a good choice for me?
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I would not marry that man. You don’t even know him honestly. 6 yrs and he’s dropping secrets now. I’d be concerned what else is being hidden.
Short answer: No.
I wouldn’t marry anyone who would hide stuff like that from me. Boy, bye. Think about what your future might be. What else is he hiding? What else will he hide from you in the future. There are so many good men out there who won’t lie to your face.
Don’t marry someone who lies to you.
This man has shown you his true colors. Why are you trying to paint them back?
I believe you’re missing a small prefix, there – surely you mean ‘ex-fiance’, yes? He has lied to you repeatedly, from money matters to hiding the fact that he was cheating on his wife with you to not divulging the fact that he is still married. That’s usually a relationship-ender right there, and should absolutely be an engagement-ender. Ask yourself exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship right now that makes you think continuing to make plans with a married man is worthwhile. And please talk to your therapist to help you work through this and to learn healthy relationship progression and behaviors.
You know he is capable of maintaining a huge lie for years. No, there is nothing I can see or imagine that makes staying with him a good bet.
He is still married! He is never going to marry you, and you already know he will lie.
Sadly there is no scenario where staying in this relationship is a good choice. He has been blatantly lying to you about serious matters since the minute you met. If he’s willing to lie about fundamental things like being married and money, what else is he lying about? I doubt he’s even shown you his real self. Frankly, I think people who can so casually lie like this have some degree of sociopathy. It’s not normal or healthy. I couldn’t imagine ever trusting this person with my heart or anything else.
Damn this sucks massively. A deep betrayal. And a very illogical decision from him. He knew you would one day find out. Not very smart.
Needless to say your future with him is not certain.
If you decide to stay and forgive, it is a big roll of the dice if he will change or if this is a core part of who he is.
Probably easier to walk away. You are still relatively young.
6 years is a lot shorter than the rest of your life.
Don’t give this guy any more of it.
He lied to you about biggest things. And his family knew and covered for that too.
I would step out from this relationship, this is too big of a lie. What else is wrong there?
So he’s a liar and a cheater and still married. Why would you want to stay? What would you advise your friends or sister in this situation? Dump him and move on.
“Is this man capable of being honest?”
You know the answer.
“Is there any scenario where staying is a good choice for me?”
If you’re cool with being lied to and disrespected in return for whatever happiness he gave you.
But seriously, if he can lie for 6 years and didn’t wanna come clean, he can keep lying for many more. Do yourself a favor and leave. It will be one of the best decisions you’ve made for yourself, I promise.
This man is a walking red flag. If he did it to her, he will do it to you too. He’s proven that he’s not honest and if a relationship doesn’t have trust, it doesn’t have anything. Sorry you’re going through this.
How many times would he need to lie to you for you to believe that he is not capable of being 100% honest with you?
You started your relationship on a lie, he told you lies to keep you. Proposed and continued to tell you lies, he proposed to just you …? I mean how can you be sure at this point, he might have another fiancé 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly with all this deception, why would you want to marry this. He sounds like a disaster, he hasn’t treated you well and I can’t understand how you see this as him treating you kindly. Seems like he hasn’t had respect for you since this whole affair started. You were the other woman,… and technically you still are… are they getting a divorce… or are his family just keeping you a secret because you’re really the side piece.
My head would be spinning like a top if I found out everything was lies! Please don’t stay he’s not healthy
👀 so what did you do the last 6 years in this relationship? Sleep??? I didn’t even finish before writing this, but then I had to come back to edit this….WTF, you’re wondering if you should stay???? Might need more than therapy
This is a pattern of behavior- and how can you be his fiancé if he is still married. I’m so sorry it’s the worst thing to find out someone you love has betrayed you.
He’s stringing you along and never intends to get married
Omg WHAT! He cheated on his “ex” wife with someone, cheated on his “last” ex with you, and now you find out he never even got divorced and has a bunch of financial issues??? Hell no. Time to move on.
My wife and I met each other while we were both going through our divorces. We were upfront about the status and never got engaged until after both divorces were finalized. Someone is putting the cart before the horse in your relationship.
If you are asking if what you are experiencing is in any way ‘normal’, the answer is yes, for dysfunctional relationships. You would be naive to think there isn’t more behind the curtain that you just haven’t dug up yet.
Don’t be a sucka.
There is no scenario in this sh*tshow that would make it worth staying in this relationship another minute. Time to move on and throw this one back!
He only told you because you dug into his past and found out and confronted him. If you hadn’t forced the issue and started planning he would have strung you along. Do you really wanna be with a man like that? Decide the kind of partner you want to be with. A lying deceiving person typically isn’t top of any list of desirable partners.
Divorce? I bet his current wife knows nothing about you or her engaged husband.
You have been in a relationship with a married man for 6 years, and he never told you. He asked you to marry him, and you said yes, and yet he did not tell you that he was married. You were planning your wedding, and yet he did not tell you that he was married. Not only did he not tell you, but his family also did not. There is not way that you can ever trust him, and you need to breakup. If he is going to lie about this, there is nothing that he won’t lie about.
He’s shown you he has no problem lying to you about dating others while with you, lying about money and being divorced. If you hadn’t done a background check, you wouldn’t have known you weren’t legally married!!! His lack of guilt is frightening. He sounds like a scam artist. So we got physical/emotional cheating, financial infidelity covered. That only leaves physical abuse, You want us to say at least he doesn’t beat you up so it’s ok to marry him?
Good partners care about your best interest, he cared about himself and deceiving you to get what he wanted. Often what we call a fraud. Your marriage was literally about to be fraud.
Marriage is a legal financial government contract. Would you go into business with a person that lies to you about their status with other partners and money??
When people do things that are wrong, they find ways to justify hurting you. This is why cheaters often buy partners gifts, not out of love but to relieve guilt. He wasn’t good to you in other areas because of love, It was to relieve himself of guilt.
Run far away from him.
He lied to your face every single day for 6 years.
Are you ever going to be able to trust him again? Be honest with yourself.
You cannot marry a cheater and a liar who manipulated you into an engagement that he knew was false (since he’s still married).
Break up. Sell the ring. Take a vacation. Move on.
“Is this man capable of being honest?” Who cares. After you dump him, this won’t be a problem for you anymore.
“Is there any scenario where staying is a good choice for me?” No, none whatsoever. He lied about being married, he lied about money, he even lied about his last girlfriend! And those are just the lies you’ve discovered so far. Who knows what lies are still waiting to be discovered?
You’re only 33. Leave now before you have kids with him. Leave now before you’re tied to this married lying loser even longer.
He’s two-faced. Good to your face while hiding information from you so he can manipulate you. Cut your losses. Grieve. Learn from this heartbreaking relationship. Find someone who knows how to be authentic.
You may love him a great deal. And he may have love for you, but he doesn’t love you enough to tell you the truth; to not put you in a humiliating position where you’re planning a wedding that cannot happen. He should have seen you planning this wedding and it should have broken his heart to be lying to you on this level. But it didn’t. Dump him. But at the very least – call off the engagement.
He’s two-faced. Good to your face while hiding information from you so he can manipulate you. Cut your losses. Grieve. Learn from this heartbreaking relationship. Find someone who knows how to be authentic.
He’s a big time liar and cheater. He’s never getting divorced. This isn’t someone you build a life with.