My husband started taking an SSRI around two years ago for depression and his libido quickly declined. We went from having sex 3-4 times a week or more, then to monthly, then it just stopped.
He told me the medication could alter his libido, and I was supportive. After the first couple of months he told me he could feel it happening. And after around 6 months I gently brought it up as well.
I have brought it up a few times, and done some of my own research – but I always asked him to talk to his doctor about it. He hasn’t done this.
We recently discussed it again and he told me that he’s happy with the medication, it’s working for him. He’s too scared to switch it, or add anything else, and so to continue being with him I need to be okay with the idea of never having sex again.
I floated the idea of an open relationship and he said he would never be interested in that.
I love him, I see him as my other half, and I want to stay with him. However, I don’t know if I can go the rest of my life without having sex or kissing anyone again. People talk about the sacrifice that nuns make, and I would have to do it while living with a man I was attracted to.
I think my options are;
– To suggest couples counselling, and see what they have to say. (Ideally we’d be able to properly talk through an open relationship with a mediator present, but I realise it can’t be forced).
– To take a medication that dulls my sex drive.
– Or to transition our relationship to friendship, and move on. Ideally while I’m still young.
I don’t want to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for me for years and build up resentment, or cheat on him etc.
I would love any input, or to hear from anyone else who’s been in this situation?
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I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t think it is just about the sex but the whole lack of intimacy in the relationship. It sounds like he is happy that the meds are working for him but isn’t interested in your needs. It sounds like he’s pulled away completely, and you are just room-mates. You don’t have to have intercourse to be intimate. Is he meeting any of your other needs?
He needs to discuss it with his doctor. Period. If he cares about marriage he will do that. Doesn’t mean he has to switch medications but they may be able to provide him with insight to improve his libido.
Nope you need to front him and the Dr about it. Ok the meds are working great but that still doesn’t mean 1 side of the relationship should suffer
No kissing ls wild
His fear around not wanting to switch it suggests there is some severe mental health issues at play, that’s he’s scared of experiencing again. That makes sense!
I understand not wanting to go back to that dark place – I’ve been there too. But if he sees you as worth spending his life with, he should be willing to risk that – temporarily.
Because it won’t be forever. If he tries something new and it doesn’t work, they absolutely can switch him back. It is hard and scary switching meds, but if your relationship is suffering this much, it would be worthwhile.
All you can do is lay this out honestly. “I can’t live the rest of my life without sex and intimacy. I want us to work together on this, but you need to help too. If your doctor gives you a new medication and it doesn’t work or makes things worse, I fully support you going back to this medication. But I can’t live like this if you’re not willing to try”.
Talk first, you might think you already did this but you didn’t. You hinted at what might happen but didn’t say it plainly.
Here : “if you don’t switch medications and start having sex with me again then im going to divorce you or cheat on you, because sex is one of the main reasons I put up with your bs. Idc about your happiness only sex”
No guessing game in that. Try that first.
Hey OP, please encourage him to bring it up to his health care provider. The lack of libido with SSRIs is super common and there are meds that can be prescribed to counteract it that don’t interfere with his SSRI. He doesn’t need to be removed from his med at all. If he’s doubtful, show him information about Bupropion (Wellbutrin).
If he says an open relationship so off the table, it’s off the table. Counseling won’t change that.
Might be helpful to look up The Wheel of Consent. There’s a course you could take together. It talks about branch in all forms, and how he could do things for you that maybe he doesn’t need to be especially sexual to please you. I had a couples counselor recommend it to me and it changed my life.
I also wouldn’t jump to assuming it will be like that forever.
If you want to stay, focus on self pleasure while you wait.
I would say be does need to talk to his doctor, but it is ultimately his choice. But be clear how it’s affecting you.
Anti-depressants ruined the best relationship I ever had.
They turned the most wonderful woman I ever met into a bland, dull, spaced out, sexless bore.
I miss that woman every waking moment still today years later
It never affected my libida but it made it difficult or impossible to orgasm. Wellbutrin is the total opposite which is what I’ve been taking for a few years now. It can actually enhance libido and orgasm. Look it up
I would definitely talk to a counselor alone first, this is a lot and you deserve to be heard and have someone listen to your concerns without your husband around
Once you have a better idea of what you want, then go forward. After having 1:1 counseling you might realize the relationship is over or that maybe you can compromise somewhere or something
But personally? I’d leave, because you’re only 32. That’s decades of no sex or kissing until you die and I honestly can’t see your marriage making it much longer if that’s the case
Look online for PE-141 nasal spray, it may come with oxytocin mixed in with will help make feelings of love stronger, reignite that intimacy and “spark” and the PE-141 part helps with libido problems, if blood flow is an issue, get l-argintine supplements, they help increase blood flow problems in that area, (also as someone who has the same problem your husband has with his libido, in my case from SNRIs, this is a game changer), just make sure your prepared if it doesn’t work, this may be due to genetics or other issues you may need to ask a doctor to look into
The anti depressants can and do absolutely kill a sex drive along with a lot of basic human feelings.
Kudos to you for not stepping out and getting your needs met.
In my experience open relationships will cause more problems than it’s worth. (I mean YOU could get what you desire but it brings another set of problems)
The depression/mental health needs to be addressed. But that’s HIS choice at the end of the day. If you love this man and value what you have then I hope you can commit to this option. But you also can’t make someone “change”, no matter how hard you try.
So that leaves you with designating a time period to give him the opportunity to “change”/try, or…
The grass is RARELY greener on the other side of the fence
This is one of my LEAVE IMMEDIATELY scenarios. My husband is on meds that are working for him but are a libido killer. I think his libido was low priority to them anyway.
He has never said this to me and usually will attempt to fix…briefly. Not ideal for me, but if he told me I have to be okay with no intimacy and isn’t opening ours, I couldn’t live like that.