All in the title. We were having a conversation where he was expressing grievances about me asking him to load the dishwasher tonight (after I cooked dinner) because of how little time he’s had today and that he had more work to do. I interjected at one point – I know it’s not right to interrupt when someone was speaking – though he kept going on and I began to feel unappreciated. Then his use of the word “inappropriate,” as if lecturing me, is what rubbed me the wrong way. He doesn’t seem to see how use of words like this, or referring to my “behavior” is something that thoroughly rubs me the wrong way – but I just find it condescending and don’t want to have that. I’m curious how other people feel on this? Would this kind of language/ verbiage come off as condescending or rude to you?
TL;dr: all in the title!
Comments
Getting my popcorn and making myself comfy ….
Sounds condescending to me. Are you prone to interrupting him when you’re talking though?
It’s not appropriate to sit around on your ass and then have to be reminded to do household chores like a child. He was in the wrong and now he’s manipulated the situation so that you have to apologize to him. Is this who you really want to spend your life with?
I don’t know if it is inappropriate. or more so a tad rude.
I don’t think it is condescending though. but the message was for you. so I respect your right to feel that way.
when it comes to loved ones I try to hear the meaning behind the message more so than the words used to convey it.
Hopefully he Apologies.
I am not speaking specifically on yours. It seems people cannot respect letting anyone else express themselves full. Basic, civil communication seems too much. They think it, they think they have a right to interrupt, use any communication means they desire and no one best say anything. But heaven forbid both sides have the same guidelines and rights. All interrupting is interrupting.
My ex girlfriend was like this. I would literally think we were just having a conversation and she always accused me of interrupting her when a back and forth exchange was what I thought a conversation was. Apparently it’s listening until you’re absolutely sure the other person is finished speaking. Or god help you otherwise.
😂😂😂😂
He’s causing a disturbing distraction in order to not load the dishwasher.
It shows that you both probably need to work on your communication.
Yes, it’s rude.
"Inappropriate" and "behavior" are "problematic" when talking to a supposed equal. You’re not a child or a pet.
If you’d just met him, would your first impression be that he’s sort of a patronizing asshole? Or possibly he’s getting less fond of you and the romance won’t last. Using those words certainly looks that way.
It’s also inappropriate to go on and on and on without giving the other person room to speak. I think he meant "Inconsiderate" instead of "condescensing".
Throw this one back in the pool. It’s a juvenile (mentally).
Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me
Not Wrong
Ask him if it would be more appropriate for you to raise your hand to speak.
I think there is more to the story. You give details about what you said, yet are very vague about why he had such little time today and had more work to do. Why did he have such little time today, and what else does he have to do?
It is inappropriate to interrupt people, and you state that you know it is wrong to do it, so I do not know why you find that condescending. It sounds like you are offended for being called out for doing something condescending and rude. When a person interrupts another person in a conversation, it shows that they are not listening to them. That instead of talking with them, they are talking to them.
Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and reveals a lack off class in the person who does it.
Condescending, paternalistic, manipulative, and controlling. I would not put up with this.
Mansplaining is always wrong. And effecting communication is foundational in marriage. Asking to not interrupt is ok, derailing a conversation and using it as a weapon is not. I’m am interruptor and my wife is a monologuer. One of us usually has to remind the other to stop so we can effectively convey ideas. It’s only when there are major outside stressors that push her to snap at me.
My excuse is that I simple can’t contain all my thoughts long enough for her to finish. My wife also tells events completely out of sequence with a coherent timeline, which makes things extremely confusing for me to keep track and ask questions after. So I have to say “wait I don’t understand, where did the rug go? When did we even get a rug?” That’s about the worst of our conflicts though.
Eh, few factors that might make it not condescending; if English isn’t his first language, if this is a regular fight and he can’t find a way to express the frustration in a way that leads to change otherwise, if this is a singular event in your relationship and he normally is super respectful (aka, he probably misspoke), if you guys had been discussing appropriate vs not appropriate ways to discuss issues with each other prior. If not something along those lines, then yeah, it feels like he’s lecturing his kid, for sure.
But tbh, I’m more focused on how he had so little time to contribute in his own home, but enough to have a big argument over nothing. Is that common?
And further, are you prone to interrupting him? Cause it definitely is rude, no matter the reason.
It’s about time men started being interrupted. They’ve been interrupting women since time began. Fuck him.
Nice way for him to turn everything around on you slave…..what your husband did is called DARVO-ing. Do not allow him to flip the switch. Hold him accountable.
My two cents (as a chronic interrupter):
Yes interrupting can be interpreted as rude by some. If it’s an all the time problem that’s something to discuss. My husband has had to call me out occasionally because he gets flustered when I do. I think it’s a back and forth conversation he sees it as I don’t care about his thoughts. There’s a thoughtful way to point it out. If it’s ongoing, there’s a thoughtful, kind, but firm way to point it out.
His saying it’s “inappropriate” is weird. It seems condescending but it’s literally a once second snapshot into a life I have zero information about beside this post.
Match his energy. I’m sure you can conjure some condescension.
My bf and I just went through this. We were both interrupting each other. He brought it up, we talked about it, and we both said we would pay more attention to our way of communicating, and give the other person a chance to finish their thought before speaking.
It works.
Sounds like he’s trying to parent you. Yes it’s condescending. Unless you do it constantly. In that case he’s super annoyed and trying to parent you on purpose because it’s truly bad behavior…
It would piss me off. I would let him finish his statement and then say ‘okay we have 3 topics of conversation we need to have: first,the dishwasher loafing, second the division of labour and, thirdly, how to deal with disagreements. I suggest we finish the dishwasher conversation and set a time to discuss the other two.
Since you’ve already shared your thoughts on the dishwasher here are mine: I’ve done the cooking after a busy day at work. It seems fair to me that you load. It seems unfair that I do all of it. However, since you’ve already shared have more work I’m happy to help you tonight. “
All of this assumes that generally things move along relatively smoothly and he was having a bad day. If this is part of a larger pattern of him ‘correcting’ your behaviour then a much larger conversation needs to be had.
I’m a woman that CAN’T STAND being interrupted. I feel unheard and minimalized.
That being said, I will NOT let someone intentionally berate me.
When someone is coming at you hard, there is
nothing wrong with saying ‘stop’.
It’s not about what they’re saying, it’s a full stop on being spoken to like that.
Stop is a full sentence.
Whether you’re the aggressor or the aggrieved in the conversation, it’s ok to say ‘stop’.
Everyone take a breath, regroup and have a conversation
There seems to be a basic male/female communication difference and perseption.
Females talk over each other a lot more and it is normal not considered rude or disrespectful in a personal conversation. Males do not talk over each other as it is considered rude, domineering or intentionally disrespectful. Start watching…. it’s an interesting thing to see.
It’s just a general behaviour difference
Imagine how much time he would have saved if he just loaded the dishwasher instead of arguing about doing it
Condescending and he’s redirecting to make issues about you instead of your concerns.
Sounds insecure.
My dearest darling, if it takes this 35 year old man MORE TIME to load the diswasher than it took you to plan, prep, and cook the dinner, he needs to load the diswasher for every single plate, pot, glass and utensil in the house until he develops adult competency in a chore a 3rd grader can successfully do.
And yes, he was being condescending and entitled.
Depends, Does he interrupt you?
"This does not require a committee meeting. Load the dishwasher."
Then walk away.
How careful is he to never interrupt you?
NTA. It’s completely condescending and manipulative, as well. He doesn’t want to contribute his own time and effort and wants you to serve as the subordinate homemaker. He’s just creating this grand display to cover for the fact that he’s a lazy ass.
I went back to read your post again and was thrilled to see you call him your significant other. Those are much easier to get rid of than spouses! If you determine he is indeed a condescending prick, move on.
You behavior was downright rude! Would you have preferred him to say that instead of in appropriate? He was trying to be polite in the face of your rudeness.
it is 2025. Just because trump wants us to believe it is 1950 doesn’t mean you should personally act like it is. I am not saying you should have punched that little bitch in the mouth…but just shy of that works.
Why are y’all dating men like this
Well let’s count the number of times I would have dumped his sorry ass:
1) When he protested loading the dishwasher after I cooked.
2) When he said with a serious face that he didn’t have time to load the dishwasher. Unless he’s a surgeon managing a mass shooting, he fucking has time.
3) When he kept pontificating and wouldn’t let me get a word in.
4) When he interpreted my need to have equal time in the conversation as “interrupting.”
5) When he described that as “inappropriate.”
6) When he thought he had any right to comment on my “behavior” instead of his own.
7) When he sat on his ass and let me wash the dishes.
8) When the conversation came up again and he doubled down instead of groveling and begging for forgiveness for being an asshole.
Sooooooo 8. Eight times you tolerated bullshit that I would not have. But YMMV.
Yeah, I wouldn’t like to be talked to like that. I would say something like, can I just finish my point really quick?
It’s hella condescending AND concerning. Is this your "normal" division of household chores? Do YOU work also? I’d never cook for him again if this is a constant problem.
Frankly, it doesn’t sound like a normal conversation! And if he’s not stopping to allow YOU to talk, just berating and blaming YOU after you cooked the meal then I think you have bigger problems unless this was an aberration.
Wow my current bf of 5 months does this as well… I’ve detached and just stopped talking :/ He never gives me a chance to talk.
Condescending and misogynistic.
That is something a parent/GP says, not a SO.
If you like someone, you do what you can to make their life better, and without keeping score.
He doesn’t like you.
He’s trying to break the social contract .
The chef don’t wash dishes .
Oof yes OP that is insulting and condescending. Not only that, his refusal to load the dishwasher points to his being a huge manbaby. And an insecure one at that. You can do SO much better than this loser. Please don’t lower your standards to below the damn floor. Find your spine and dust off your self-respect and throw this manbaby to the curb. He’s not going to change. He is showing you just exactly who he really is. You need to believe him.
Let him finish his rant then let him know he could have loaded the dishwasher in the time it took for him to rant. That may irritate him, but it makes a better point than interrupting them.
Congratulations, you married the Master of Weaponized Incompetence
Yeah. My ex was like that. He was also one of those "you may actually be right in this argument, but you’re upset about it and I’m calm therefore I’m right." Assholes, too.
That mother fucker interrupted me all the time. I interrupted him once during an argument, and that manchild lost his mind called me every name in the book. And them pretened his won the argument, because I was "unable to control myself like a child" and "was done with the conversations because clearly I am too stupid to have an adult conversation"
I didn’t allow that fucker to interrupt a single thing I said again. You wanna ve a raging douchebag? Fine. I’ll keep the same energy.
The first time he would interrupt me, I would say "I am speaking, you will wait your turn, or this conversation is over."
And after that. I did exactly what I said i would . He’s interrupted me, I told him exactly the same line he said to me that one time "this conversation is over, because clearly you are tok stupid to have an adult conversation"
And then I would leave.
We didn’t last long once I started treating him how he treated me. Somehow I became "Hatful" and "condescending" when i would speak to him.how he spoke to me.
He’s an a-hole who doesn’t appreciate you. Move on
While it’s rude to interrupt someone, you weren’t having a conversation. You were having an argument. He was being a jerk.
How often does he interrupt you? Studies have been done and men interrupt women twice as often. They also talk almost twice as much.
Your spouse should be your partner in life. Duties and struggles are to be shared. You don’t lecture them on behavior. You have a conversation and find a solution together because it’s the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other.
It takes about five minutes to load a dishwasher. I am sure he was being condescending for a lot longer than that. His lecture wasn’t about your behavior. It was about shifting blame and avoiding contributing to the household because he doesn’t value or respect you. A conversation has back and forth, so you interjecting is normal behavior and should be accepted. A lecture means he thinks of you as "less than" or "below" him, like a child or servant.
You are definitely not wrong in this. Please try and have an actual conversation with him. If he refuses to have one, suggest counseling. If he refuses that, rethink this marriage.
"What’s inappropriate is my husband making excuses to get out of basic household tasks then being rude to me to try and distract me from the fact that I have to do everything around the house myself or ask a grown adult to do stuff as if he’s a child and not my husband who should be able to look around and see what needs doing, then do it. What’s inappropriate is that I HAVE to ask you to do something you should just do because it needs doing"
Kind of depends upon how often you have interrupted him in the past and whether he has had enough of it. If you are pretty careful about not interrupting people and this were completely out of the blue, then his going on and on and on about it would be the inappropriate behavior here. But some people are so habitual about interrupting others that they have no idea how rude they are being until they finally drive someone to the brink and push them over the edge. I can’t tell based on your version of the story what the deal is.
Everybody has bad days. If this is something that happens often, then he sucks. I just don’t know from this story.
You sound annoying
It’s absolutely condescending and he is building up his unequal power dynamic purposely so that he can continue with this, maybe escalate it. Does he listen to the Tater Tot or one of that ilk? If he can’t be corrected and understand that you are equals in this relationship you’ll need to make some decisions for your future with this walking red flag.
Yes, very degrading and rude.
You have to cross your arm, look at him impatient, and ask if he done? If not t o load the dishwasher and prove he better than women, because right now, he proving that he talks more than you do.
lol men will do everything except the fucking dishes
Was it a conversation, or was he lecturing you about how much more important and valuable his time is compared to yours?
Because if he was lecturing you with no care for your input, then yeah I can see how maybe interrupting him was inappropriate.