I’m looking for any advice or outside thoughts on this weird loop we are stuck in. My (33F) wife and I (34M) have been together for 14 years and have a few kids. She has ADHD and is medicated and I’ve struggled with anxiety for years.
Somewhere along the way we developed this dynamic where I’m constantly fearing she’s angry or upset with me, or that I’ve done something wrong. She tells me she’s okay and nothing is wrong, but I feel like I can’t take that as confirmation because of her body language or something else. She tends to talk with a “tone” and it makes me spiral. I’m constantly trying to check in and make sure she’s okay but she tells me how me constantly checking in is driving her nuts and makes it worse. She says she can’t help but react to certain things in certain ways and feels emotions very strongly because of her ADHD and while I don’t doubt that nor am I looking to fault her for it – so many things set me off and we get into this loop where I’m anxious and she’s either driven nuts or says she feels like she’s not allowed to express anything other than happiness.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? This really isn’t a rant or complaint and I just truly am looking for some insight on how to improve the situation. We truly have a very good and loving marriage but this has been wearing on us both and whenever we try and talk through it we just end up at some kind of an “unstoppable force vs an immovable object” kind of cross roads where the only solution is for one of us to somehow re-wire our brains regarding something we legitimately struggle with.
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This might get better answers in a mental health group. Do you worry that your wife or other people might abandon you, and if so, at what age did that start?
Before you met your wife, did you struggle with feelings of emptiness, or is this a new thing?
Was your anxiety diagnosed?
You’re not listening to her. You said you worry something is wrong but when she says no you don’t believe her.
So 2 things: 1. You have to start listening and trusting her 2. You need to realize nobody is happy all the time. Its ok for her to feel bad sometimes
I don’t think anyone here is qualified to help you properly, you need couples counseling or individual therapy from qualified professionals.
You’ve been together for a long time, it doesn’t sound like there’s horrible things happening between you two, but there does seem to be a crack in the pavement. If that’s not addressed it will become in Abyss. Can you afford counseling? You should give that a go, it doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is in shambles, actually you don’t want to wait until your marriage is in shambles, it’s just maintenance. If you can’t afford it look into lower-cost options. There are therapists and training that will take on this case and help you through it. It’s well worth it
definitely get individual therapy for your anxiety and then do couples therapy if that doesn’t help you improve on its own
Never tell your partner what you think their feelings are. Instead approach in a calm manner and check in with her, maybe say something like “hey I’m sensing that you may be feeling (insert emotion), am I wrong in saying that or is there something you’d like to talk to me about?”
Also, please seek therapy for your anxiety as you may be projecting your own feelings/emotions onto her without realizing you’re doing so.
My fiancé and I were stuck in this very same loop, I also have ADHD and all of my emotions/thoughts are as clear as day in my body language.
We actually did couples therapy and covered this topic right away. My partner had anxious attachment styles that are tied to feeling responsible for his mother’s emotions from childhood. He had a highly reactive mother and often felt like it was his responsibility to make her feel better.
On top of that, we talked about my tone. I can have all the best intention in the world but my tone can misconstrue my intention. When I’m overstimulated, I can be very direct/blunt and low with patience. It’s something I’m actively working on, it’s challenging as heck but I now know the impact it can have on my partner if I don’t communicate where I’m at proactively.
Bottom line, there needs to be space for both of you to show up exactly as you are without fearing how your partner will respond (whether you are moody, low energy, whatever). There also has to be space for both of you to communicate your needs.
I suggest couples therapy 10x over because it can reveal to both of you where these patterns come from, which leads to more understanding and gets rid of all the negative assumptions created from anxiety on both sides! This is totally solvable. 🫶🏻
You get a lot of people yell ‘therapy’ for things where it should be a break up.
But this is therapy territory. You need someone to facilitate the communication so that when you do talk about things, you don’t end up in conversation and behaviour loops.
The fact you recognise the pattern already is going to really help the process. Thing is, your wife may not see it yet – and that may partly be due to the adhd. A quality couples therapist is going to break things down for both of you and give you the tools to communicate better, and see the coming cycle before you get stuck in it.
It’s actually going to be both of you slightly re-wiring to bring you closer together in your conflict resolution styles/skills. Doesn’t mean there won’t be miscommunications in the future, but you’ll have the ability to use the therapy tools to not drop into the old bad loop. Find a therapist (might take trying a few to get a good fit) to help and it’ll probably totally change your household dynamic for the better. Good luck.