Hi guys,
I never do this, but I’m so down and have no one to talk to. My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. Recently I went off birth control (I communicated this with him), so we’ve been using condoms. The other day I noticed I was ovulating, so I told him. And before we had sex that night I very clearly told him “hey don’t put it in me without a condom on. I’m ovulating.”
Now, there have been a couple times where we’ve gotten hot and heavy and have started out without a condom, but it’s been very much a mutual consent type of thing and then we agree it’s time for the condom.
But the other night was different bc I had very clearly stated my boundary. Anyways you can see where this was going. He put it in without asking or waiting for any sort of body language… He just… Did it. I sort of shut down. He only did it for a couple minutes and then put a condom on. I didn’t really know what to think until the next morning when I realized how terrible and betrayed and violated and disrespected etc. I felt.
I told him all the things- how it was called stealthing, how it’s assault, how I don’t feel that trust anymore. And for the last 4 days I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I can’t get out of bed. I just want to scroll to dissociate. I want to disappear. He feels terrible and says he thought it was like the other times when we would start out without a condom, but like I said- he just assumed it was ok without asking for my consent.
I don’t want to be around him. Or anyone. I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I just want to run away from the relationship. But is this something that I can get past? It feels really complex and even tho his intentions weren’t malicious, I feel so much rage for how he could do it and just be like “oops.”
Like woops, didn’t mean to assault you.
How hard is it to just treat me with respect? I feel like I bring the worst out of men.
I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or what, but any words would be appreciated. I’m having a hard time š
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Hmm I’m curious what the other responses are going to be. Because honestly this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me…he probably just got caught up and figured it wasn’t a big deal because you’ve done it before. I might be a little annoyed but I wouldn’t be upset. It’s very uncommon to get pregnant in this situation so I wouldn’t be worried about that.
I think this is above reddits pay grade. If youāre able, Iād suggest finding a therapist to work through all these feelings and what it means for your relationship (whether or not you decide to continue). Best I can say is I hear you and your feelings are valid.
He thought it was like other times even though you said not to? I donāt blame you for feeling the way you do. I would have trouble trusting him after thatĀ
I recently just came off of birth control on my own decision after being with my boyfriend for under a year. Well I donāt want kids and despite telling him to wear a condom he refused to and slid it in anyway.
Fast forward to a few days ago and he came inside WHILE I was ovulating. My point is, if u feel uncomfortable please set him straight. You do NOT want to be in my position right now.
So is he intentionally trying to baby trap you or is he just dumber than a bag of rocks? Also, plan b? Idk sis, this is break up worthy. And definitely stop disassociating and start looking for solutions if a pre-swimmer took root, especially if youāre in a red state.
Iām sorry this happened to you. I experienced this with someone I was dating, the first time we were intimate together. Iām still dealing with feeling the loss of control.
You communicated your boundary and he obviously knew it was wrong after. I think it may give you a bit of piece of mind about your body if you do a pregnancy test. Although, I donāt think you should be worried about that – iām sure the likely hood is very low.
He crossed a boundary and it is very hard to get over that. If you are able to have a conversation and he is able to understand, maybe your relationship is salvageable.
It very clearly wasn’t like those other times because you specifically told him he had to wear a condom before any penetration.
At the very minimum, he owes you a larger conversation about how can you trust him if he apparently can instantly forget something as important as your consent.
Only you can know if you are comfortable continuing the relationship. But if at any point he downplays it or gets frustrated that you aren’t “getting over it” fast enough – then I think that would be a sign that he’s not actually remorseful.
And real remorse is not him performing guilt in a way that forces you to have to reassure or comfort him.
You need to have a serious conversation with that guy if you even want to stay together. He violated your clearly expressed boundaries without a care, and it does not matter if you have done it that way in the past. He broke your trust, and now he has a lot of work to do to rebuild it, provided you want to give him that chance. Don’t let him convince you it was no big deal anyway, because to you, it clearly was.
Im sorry that happened to you. I sadly got no advice for you but be gentle with yourself and ask for help from trusted family / friends.
What is he normally like as a person and with boundaries?
If he has always been respectful and mindful of you, I would be inclined to put it down as a mistake and carelessly reverting to old habits (PIV without condom to start and then finish with condom on). This is not an excuse at all, and you were still incredibly hurt and disrespected. It seems that he feels genuinely terrible about this, so it is definitely worth hashing out all your feelings and seeing what you can do.
If he is normally disrespectful, careless and forgetful, it may be time to move on. If you have even the slightest inkling that this was done intentionally, please speak to someone and possibly report it.
Best of luck OP. You must feel so violated and disrespected, nobody deserves to feel that way, I wish you all the best!
Sounds like he may have misunderstood, thinking you just wanted him to finish with a condom like always. Sometimes it’s really just being completely oblivious.
Oh no. I had a boyfriend do this. I felt completely violated. But for whatever reason I didnāt stand up for myself. His disrespect only got worse. He just didnāt care. I stayed 2 years after that but wish I had broken up then and there.
Because of this, my interpretation of your events are based on my own: He knew this was different. He did not care.
Dump him immediately. He’s not a safe man to be in a relationship with. He wants to get you pregnant whether you want to or not. There is no coming back from this.Ā
Iām so sorry honey. Please know itās okay to end the relationship over this. Therapy if you can š
I would personally definitely not try to get past this. It would be sitting with me always. He violated your trust pretty deliberately.
I came here to be an ass but decided not to. You’re both grown adults in your 30s. I think that’s all you need to hear. You know what you want already so do it and be done with it.
Iām so sorry, this is not ok. While I hate to say this out loud, men respecting women properly or in the way we need them to is beyond repair in 2025. The fact you were very clear and communicated upfront about it makes it worse imo. It wasnāt a heat of the moment call, he knew.
Only you know in your gut if this is who he is and if so can he change? Hugs
I was assaulted by my ex and spent years dissociating before finally finding therapy and then accepting that even though I could forgive him for what happened, I couldnāt forget.
I never trusted him again but didnāt leave until nearly five years later. Donāt waste that time like I did. It isnāt about finding a man who will respect you, itās about respecting yourself enough to know that your partner shouldnāt treat you that way.
This is something you can overcome as a person, yes. This is not something you can overcome in a relationship, at all.
You were clear.
He sexually assaulted you.
His intentions were malicious – also disrespectful, selfish, self-serving, cruel, and narcissistic.
He raped you – if it hits home harder to say it that way then say it that way.
What would you say to your sister/mother/aunt/friend if someone sexually assaulted/raped them and they were considering staying in that relationship?
Whatever the answer is to that – say it to yourself.
You are worth so very much more than someone who would do this to you.
Please consider taking a Plan B (today, tomorrow at the latest) just to be safe if you want to eliminate the risk of pregnancy.
Also, please find a trauma therapist. The sooner the better, so you can work through this.
Iām deeply sorry for what this person has put you through and wish you healing.
Have you asked him if he knows what āovulationā is?
If you were my friend, here’s the advice I would give.
Your feelings are VALID. You clearly communicated your boundary, and he did not listen. He betrayed your trust in an extremely vulnerable position, and one that carries substantial consequences.
I think depending on his character in other situations you could possibly give him a second chance. Have you ever recanted consent once things got heated? If so, how did he react? Is he generally pro-feminism/pro women’s rights and does it reflect in his actions? Do you genuinely believe him when he says this was a misunderstanding? If yes to all those, maybe it was a lapse in judgement. Let him know how serious it has impacted you and that carrying on in a relationship is in fact giving him a second chance. Tell him know how close you got to ending it. Then forgive, don’t forget, and try to move on.
If he doesn’t generally carry women-positive characteristics, I’d say count your blessings and move on. It isn’t worth the risk.
If you can’t find it in you to trust him again, move on.