I am so lost. I love this man more than anything. I see my whole future with him and I am worried he is going to break up with me.
He thinks I lie about people I talk to at work and he thinks other men touch me inappropriately there. I have told him this has never happened but he doesn’t believe me.
His reason being is that when asked if a new coworker I had was attractive I gave a vague answer, which he was upset about and i immediately apologized and gave the straight up answer that yes he is but I am not interested.
This is 100% true and I only have eyes for my bf. In my opinion he is the one for me.
He also thinks I’m lying about a situation that happened before we were together. A guy sent me a message on Facebook and I did not respond. I blocked and deleted him. He thinks there was something there and I gave him the idea I was interested in him. (I wasn’t ever interested and I never did anything with him)
He thinks I bullshit him and lie to make myself look good. I refuse to change my story. I did not lie. I love my bf very much and this is causing me a lot of hurt.
I know he loves me. He has very deep trust issues and past traumas. He is hurt too. He thinks I won’t be honest about things.
I asked for forgiveness and a chance to correct the mistakes.
The other issue is the way he words his questions to me are vague and he sets me up to fail no matter what my answer is.
He asked me if I found X attractive and I said no, I think he is average. He doesn’t believe me.
It’s gotten to the point where he becomes hot and cold and sometimes he is his normal lovely self and other times he is mad at me. I have to then badger him until he tells me why he’s upset.
I can’t walk on eggshells forever. We have the option to move to my parents place and have a completely different lifestyle. I’ve offered to find a new job since this seems to be the big trigger. I honestly don’t care. Whatever I can find a different job, he’s my priority.
How do I rebuild the trust or approach it?
I’m just so sad.
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He sounds like he is projecting
I hate to say this but anyone I’ve known like this is guilty himself of bad behavior. I had a boyfriend who was jealous. Obsessed I was lying and cheating because he knew himself he was. It took me a while to find out. I’ve had friends report the same thing. They assume others are like they are. Cheaters are jealous people.
C’mon. You already know a new job won’t make a difference. If he’s 39 years old and doesn’t know the difference between finding someone objectively attractive and being attracted to that person, then there’s no hope.
And why in the world did you think you needed to be forgiven?
It’s crazy to be even considering putting up with this bullshit at your big age
I want to resolve the issue, not throw away what is otherwise a great relationship.
If he has insecurities I would like to help him overcome them. He has not been treated well if previous relationships and I think he is hyper vigilant about things like this. I also think he is taking to the extreme.
I won’t give up on a great person because he has things he needs to work through. I do not believe he is cheating on me or lying to me.
More looking for advice on how to help or if I can.
He has an anxious attachment style and needs to get therapy for it, you should try the ABC approach by Mel Robbins and see if you can get him to open up to the idea. If he’s anxious, he’s more scared of losing you than you are of losing him, and I recommend you using that power for the health and longevity of your relationship.
This is a bad relationship. He doesn’t actually believe you’re lying, he’s saying that to make you feel like you have to prove yourself worthy. That way he can act as badly towards you as he wants and you’ll accept it because you’re trying to prove how much you love him. Good relationships make you feel good. They make you feel safe and happy and secure.
This is a control tactic. It makes you police your own actions, it has you always begging, and it keeps you off balance and unable to advocate for yourself
He’s hurting you and controlling you. You cannot make it stop. Nothing you do will ever make him stop. Can you live like this forever?
You need to have a little self respect here. You can’t control what anyone else thinks(I assume he’s projecting his own transgressions), but you can control whether or not you want to be doubted and called a liar for the rest of your life
He doesn’t “not believe you”, he’s using it as an excuse to control you and make you beg for his “forgiveness” and approval
The problem isn’t you, the problem is his insecurity. There is nothing you can do to make him less insecure, because the problem is entirely in his head. Trying to cater to him is just going to result in you losing yourself, while he finds ever more reasons to accuse you of cheating.
There’s no fixing this, you just have to leave.
You ask him outright if he is cheating. Ask him to see his phone. Watch him squirm. This behaviour is seriously sus