Throwaway account, ages and some personal information altered.
I have been married to my husband for less than 3 years, together for over 10. Our relationship has always been almost perfect – we like the same things, he is kind, loyal, and incredibly loving. He can be very passive and non confrontational – at times to a fault. All of this changes when he is drinking.
The drinking has been the main and only source of conflict throughout our entire marriage. The red flags surrounding his drinking starting appearing during COVID – lying about how much he drank/hiding the evidence, getting blackout drunk solo more often than not. After many conversations and him getting into therapy, these behaviors are gone. However, even though it’s only once a week and he doesn’t lie, the drinking is still a problem.
He gets extremely inconsiderate and careless when he drinks. Usually this means waking me up when he stumbles in the late hours of the night even though I beg him not to. He will cook food or order delivery which will wake me up and cause the dogs to bark. We’ve had countless conversations about this and he always feels so awful about it the next day. He swears he will try and do better – I believe him, too. The issue is the disconnect between who he is sober and drunk – no amount of conversations stick in his brain when he is drunk so it goes out the window, rinse and repeat. I’ve had this same conversation in therapy for years now.
*I want to reiterate that he has never demonstrated any mean or abusive behavior when drunk. He just wakes me up or makes a mess which causes our arguments.
That brings us to today. I had a really hard day that ended up with me coming home in tears due to some bad news about a friends health. He also had a rough day and a stressful week. He went out for a cocktail and dinner which snowballed into him going to the bar after and stumbling in at 3 am. The inconsiderate way he was acting made me decide to sleep at my sisters for the night – something I’ve done before but not since we’ve been married. That way I can cool off and get some sleep, and also get away from my drunk spouse who isn’t someone I recognize. This time I decide I’m bringing the dogs too – they get nervous around drunk people.
I tell him I’m leaving for the night and that he can talk, but I won’t be participating tonight (no point in arguing with a drunk person) he says “I’m not letting you leave until you hear me out” and stands in front of the doorway. I ask him calmly to move, he says no. I try to sidestep, he shifts to be in front of me again. This starts throwing me into a panic – I have childhood trauma from growing up in an abusive household and I felt my blood run cold. I raise my voice and tell him to move, he finally does. This interaction lasted maybe 30 seconds. Then I get in the car and have a panic attack.
I have been told I “gaslight myself” and can minimize/dismiss my own concerns. What do you make of this and what do we do now? I am not interested in divorce at this moment. He has never done anything like this before and it wasn’t something I thought was even in his nature. I was planning on having a conversation with him tomorrow explaining why that was unacceptable, telling him if he ever does it again I’m done, and suggesting treatment for his drinking. Am I blowing this out of proportion?
TLDR: Husband who when sober is gentle and kind got drunk and briefly blocked me from leaving the house by standing in front of the door with his body. Unsure of what to make of it.
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I’m sorry to say this so blunt but your husband IS both the sober and the drunk. If the drinking is such a problem for you and on top it sounds like he might be an alcoholic, this should be a rehab & never again situation for him to be able to continue this relationship to you and a good one to himself.
Yeah I think having a conversation and setting boundaries are the right move. He on the other hand though needs help whether it’s therapy or an intervention because he has a tedency to repeating the same behaviors. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’m glad you said the word minimising because that’s exactly what you’re doing. You seem to think that drunk him and sober him are two different people but sober him is choosing to be drunk him.
If he felt so awful and wanted to do better he could simply choose not to drink. Why isn’t he doing that?
Drinking does not suit him as it changes his personality. I am not an expert, though. It does not sound like he is an alcoholic, (correct me if I am wrong about that) but yeah, it also sounds like he should not drink at all, probably, as it alters his brain chemistry so much. Can you talk to some other people, like his friends and family and ask if they notice those changes? Then you should talk to him about it. List various examples and say you are very concerned. You have every right to be worried, for the both of you. Just voice your concerns firmly but not aggressively. If he does not listen, you need to think about what you have to do to protect yourself.
Yeah my ex is like that. I dumped him, finally, after yet another night of drinking. That was four years go now. We are still friends but I will never go back to that. He still drinks 😞
Your husband isn’t experiencing any consequences. And he won’t unless you leave. I asked myself this question: Is this how I want to live my life? For me the answer was no. I suspect that’s your answer too. I now am in a relationship with a teetotaller and I couldn’t be happier really. I wish peace for you in your near future OP. You deserve it!
Move to a friends house, go stay with your parents. Alanon org. Get to a meeting. You can’t fix him. He’ll only drink himself to death. Mine did. Sad sad sad! Advice, file for divorce, request he goes to a 90 rehab. You can’t fix never fully trust him again. He’ll always be 1 drink away from being a drunk. Gross stinky oissed pants drunk. If he blocks the door? Get physical call 911 immediately. They are so charming sober. Behind closed doors we get humord on like dogs bits disgusting and gross. You don’t have to live this way. God wants you to be happy. Your husband had broken his vows to you by drinking himself stupid & he’s cheating on you with alcoholism. You cannot cure him you didn’t cause it, you can’t control his drinking. Alanon look it up. Move out.consult with 3 attorneys for free. Any attorney you consult with, he cannot legally use. Choose wisely your dad or Mom or aunt or sister or brother tell them. Filing for divorce puts a restraining order. He cannot foolishly spend money.
Get the support you deserve. Sorry. You cannot fix a drunk. It gets so much worse. Don’t stay in denial. Take action get your ducks in a row. Copy all financials. Get your own seperate bank account. Start saving fit your new life. It’s a heart ache now. You’re not a failure. He had a drinking problem. Do you want to carry his burden in your back. Bye-bye drunk a hole. Hello new freedom!
This problem has happened repeatedly. You have raised your concerns repeatedly. He has promised to do better, and then failed, EVERY TIME.
This time he blocked you from leaving your house and provoked you into a panic attack.
You need to start putting yourself first. He won’t change until he chooses to change. Change is hard. He may not ever choose to change hard enough to result in meaningful changes.
What are you going to do, to protect yourself, your pets, your belongings and your sleep? You need something to change so you need to do something that makes change happen.
Can you ask him to move out? Can you move out?
If he promises to not drink again, tell him to walk you through his plan on how he’s going to handle stressful days when he wants to drink. If he does end up at a bar what’s he going to do so that he doesn’t turn up home drunk? He needs to make a plan and he needs to explain how it will work. “I won’t do it again, I promise” isn’t a plan.
He’s an alcaholic. The inly way for him to change, is to stop drinking. And I’ve read your comments about his social circle and why it’s ‘not that easy for him’. But these are just excuses. If his friends don’t accept a no, because he can’t handle alcohol, those are not his friends. Friends, will actually support him in getting sober. And if his family are drunks too, they will only understand his need to stay sober, and break the chain better.
And he won’t find a need to change, as long as there are no consequenses for him. He can just keep saying sorry to you and then rinse and repeat the next time. You need to set some boundaries for yourself, and you need to stick to the consequenses of crossing them.
I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, but I honestly think this will only escalate more. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is this who you want as the father of your children? Good luck OP, I wish you the best.
She’s in denial! And he’s mind fivking her!
Let me be extremely clear OP. Blocking someone in or restricting their movement is physical abuse. Full stop. You did the right thing by leaving and your panic attack was your body telling you the truth of what’s happening.
What you do next is up to you OP. But if you aren’t ready to leave yet (which you have every right to do and probably should do) I think you should insist that your husband start attending AA meetings.
I also suggest reading this book here. It is a very simple and easy read.
https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
Your husband is an alcoholic. Say it out loud to yourself. Even though it’s better it’s clearly not good enough. He shouldn’t be drinking. And if he cannot socialize without it he should find another way to do it.
Regarding what you described – there isn’t much to go on, but you were in the moment and feeling the subtext. If you were scared, and needed to remove yourself and the dogs then there was a good reason for those feelings. Don’t try to minimize it or use logic or worry how other people feel.
He’s an alcoholic. I understand he isn’t as bad as others, but he’s leaning on alcohol to manage other issues in his life, and he’s showing other classic signs (hiding it, drinking more than you realize etc).
Consider al-anon for yourself. It’s ok to tell him you love him but you don’t love the drinking, and you need to see concrete changes to feel safe in the relationship.
Your husband is an alcoholic. No way around it. If his family is alcoholic, then that is how he learned to deal with stress, and his behavior is considered normal for him. He is predisposed to it, as well. I suggest you watch a film called Pleasure Unwoven. This is about the physiological aspects of addiction. Yes, alcoholism IS an addiction. It is very informative. Try to get your husband to watch it, too. As another has mentioned, please go to an Al Anon meeting. Get connected. Alcoholism will destroy your marriage. I wish you the best of luck.
Your husband is an alcoholic. If he acts like a monster under the influence of alcohol, he cannot continue to drink. And you cannot continue to live with him until he stops drinking.
That’s it. There is nothing else.
He may not drink & drive now. But mine did. I was never his passenger in the car. I refused to be his sober driver. Do not enable his behavior. Don’t make excuses. Let him suffer the consequences.
My dearly loved husband drank himself insane. Look up wet brain. It’s brain damage. He died drunk while I was caring for my dad on hospice. He became a mean drunk as he progressed into alcoholism. It’s not so bad at first. But after 2-3?decades the liver fails. So sad sad and tragic I hope you don’t live my life as the wife of an alcoholic. It’s very lonely and cars you down. Call the ALANON hotline. Alanon. Org
Counselling isn’t enough here, he either needs specific addiction counselling or to go to AA.
The dogs are nervous around drunk people?
Sounds like he is abusing them, too.