Throwaway account.
Over the last few years, my (34F) and husband’s (36M) sex life has become so awful, I just don’t know what to do. I feel so sad and disconnected from him because of it.
Basically, this is what sex is like: He will turn to me out of the blue and say “wanna have sex/suck my d*ck?” I usually say yes because I am really in need of physical contact from him. Sometimes I will ask for foreplay and he will get annoyed by that, saying I should be wet already. Sometimes he will, by going down on me or fingering me for a little bit. I will try to guide him physically or I will direct him verbally, but usually he will just shove his fingers in dry at awkward angles. Because he doesn’t listen when I try to guide him, I will move myself into a position that feels comfortable, but he will always either move me back into the position I already was in (the one I tried to move away from!) or go back to touching the area that I obviously do not like (my urethra). It is painful and beyond frustrating for me. Foreplay is done when he says it’s done and then it is PIV until he comes. Then turns over and goes on his phone. No aftercare. Sex has become very unpleasant for me, I get tense and have really a lot of trouble getting wet now. I had asked for lube- I had to ask multiple times over multiple weeks to get some because he was very resistant to that. When he finally allowed me to use lube, he would take the bottle and use a very small amount (like a fingertip amount) on my clit and then ram his penis in. I used lube on myself a few times, and he would act disgusted that it was on my fingers and tell me not to touch him. So, I have stopped using it. Sex is awful, rough and painful. I just brace myself and let it happen now. I have told him it is painful, but according to him, that pain is in my head.
I have had multiple conversations with him and each time, it ends the same way. He gets angry, he says things like “I guess I’m a terrible husband” and “you just don’t know what you want in bed”. He doesn’t listen and he does not seem to even understand my point of view. My asking for foreplay and my requirement to be wet, is too much work for him.
The other night was the final straw. In bed, he turned over, said the usual “Wanna have sex?” I said yes, but only if he took his time with me and was gentle. His response was to sigh, “f*ck that”, turn over and go to sleep. It broke me. I felt absolutely worthless and undeserving of care and affection. I just don’t know what to do.
Has anyone else had similar issues? Any advice on how to improve things would be appreciated ?
TL;DR: Sex with my husband is awful, he hates foreplay and I feel like my needs are dismissed.
Comments
Show him the post next to a couples therapist and talk to him.
>I have had multiple conversations with him and each time, it ends the same way. He gets angry, he says things like “I guess I’m a terrible husband” and “you just don’t know what you want in bed”. He doesn’t listen and he does not seem to even understand my point of view. My asking for foreplay and my requirement to be wet, is too much work for him.
Your relationship is already on the ropes, he seems incredibly uncaring and manipulative.
>The other night was the final straw. In bed, he turned over, said the usual “Wanna have sex?” I said yes, but only if he took his time with me and was gentle. His response was to sigh, “f*ck that”, turn over and go to sleep. It broke me. I felt absolutely worthless and undeserving of care and affection. I just don’t know what to do.
This just sounds like a terrible person. Are you sure this is what you want? I am guessing he isn’t a saint outside of the bedroom if he can talk to you like this.
There’s not a chance in hell I’d ever sleep with somebody who treated me like this. Being celibate would be infinitely preferable. I’m so sorry.
If you’ve spoken to him about it and he has continued to treat you like a fuck-doll, perhaps you should go back to the drawing board on this relationship in its entirety. For me, I think what he’s doing is disgusting and abusive.
Stop saying yes to sex. This isn’t sex, this is him masturbating with your body. It’s a symptom of the problem. He lacks empathy and only cares about himself.
When he “let” you use lube? I would just get divorced. He doesn’t even see you as a real person.
There’s no advice anyone can give that will improve your sex life. He clearly doesn’t want to entertain anything so him changing doesn’t seem likely
The only advice at this point is to leave. He doesn’t care about your needs at all and doesn’t care that what he does makes you uncomfortable or causes you pain. There’s no love from him and I highly doubt there ever will be. Leave and find someone who actually cares about you and your feelings.
He sounds like a dick. No way should you have to just brace yourself and take it. And you shouldn’t have to need permission from him to use lube. Find yourself a therapist you connect with that can help you find your way back to your voice.
man here /
I think you should advocate for yourself. i would just have a conversation that is going to be difficult to have, and package it however you want something like:
” hey honey, I want to talk about our sex life. I have tried to express what is important to me and what I want out the experience and how it all effects me and feel like i am not being heard or considered. I am going to take a break from all sexual activity together while i work on myself in some other areas of life like health and wellness”
Maybe describe what reentry to sex could look like when youre ready and that it needs to start with a date and some expression of romance and interest in you intellectually and physcially , and that if those things are not the case ask him if this relationship is really right?
maybe you do want to work on your fitness idk, but i think you really need to advocate for yourself it sounds like its been a status quo relationship of low energy low effort that youve been trying to change and not getting even basic achknowledgement back, it sounds very sad honestly and its impressive youre aware enough to seek advice and realize youre not the bad person.
OP, there are so many red flags in this post that go much deeper than your husband being bad in bed. If he isn’t listening to your needs and doesn’t care about what your want or enjoy, I have a feeling that doesn’t end at the bedroom. He sounds controlling, manipulative, and just plain mean. Are you really sure you want to be in this relationship?
Do you want to save this relationship? Would he be open to going to therapy? If so, therapy is the route to take.
But it honestly doesn’t seem like he gives a shit about you or your experience or your pleasure. And it also seems like he doesn’t think (and doesn’t want to hear) that he’s doing anything wrong. That’s a tough combination. Could he change? Sure. People can change. But it doesn’t seem like he wants to or would be open to changing.
Leave. Just leave. You are asking for the bare minimum and he can’t even do that. He makes sex all about him when it’s supposed to be something special that brings you two closer together, and it’s only putting distance between the two of you. Feels obvious to say, but that is a HUGE red flag. He is not receptive to your needs nor does he want to be. You are being abused, divorce should be on the horizon.
Wow.
There’s so much here.
First of all you’re not even a person to this man, you’re literally his sex doll that he wants to fuck his own way.
Stop saying yes to sex.
Next time he asks, say what he said.
“Fuck that”
Do you really want to stay with him??
He’s literally hurting you for his own pleasures and has no consideration of your body or your pleasures.
This is so sad and it makes me so mad that men think they don’t even have to try to get our motor revving.
He’s a disgusting POS and I hope you find the courage to leave him to find a man who will worship you and your satisfaction matters.
Stop saying yes to sex. Yes, he is a bad husband – he thinks he deserves pleasure, but you do not. In fact, he thinks he deserves pleasure even if you suffer from it. Why stick around with someone like that? I would rather be alone.
Does he even like you?
Nope , stop sleeping with. He is so selfish and expects you to just get on with it when he is ready, but you are not. Find someone who actually wants to pleasue you .
If your best friend told you about this, what would you tell her?
OP this man enjoys hurting you more than the sex itself. Its deranged. You’re in greater danger than you know.
…This made me so sad to read that you are allowing someone to do this to you. I hope you get out.
This can’t be the only situation in which your husband is an awful, selfish and sexist POS.
Oh… My… God…
I am begging women to stop dating men who hate them. The only advice that will improve your sex life is that you to leave.
Wow, I h8 him sm. I think his attitude is your answer. It won’t get better unless you put some kind of consequence in play. If he’s not going to listen, he can go to his mama’s house and jack it
If you want to save the relationship suggest to go to a relationship therapist and explain it will be the last chance to be together
Sex aversion is the consequence of having bad sex when you don’t want to. You should look into it, bc if you’re not already in it you will be soon and it makes sex so much worse, to the point of trauma. I’m worried it could create a rape scenario for you, if you panic mid-sex and he doesn’t stop.