I (34M) met this amazing girl (34F) last April/May while travelling and fell head over heels for her. We travelled together before going back to our own countries. She just broke up from a previously abusive relationship, in which she was also cheated on. Because of this and the distance we agreed that we’ll stay in touch but not commit to anything.
We ended up falling more for each other from a distance and from when I visited her last August and spent Christmas and New Years in her country. However it wasn’t without challenges, as feelings developed, the distance made things difficult.
She then visited my country for 6 weeks at the start of this year before we met again and backpacked 3 months through Central America. We had another great time and we agreed that we only want to be with each other. After the trip, I was supposed to move closer to her but I’ve had to come home due to issues with my visa. I’m still waiting for my visa, which they said can take up to 3 weeks.
Since I’ve been back two weeks ago, we’ve been in constant contact but we both are frustrated because i was already supposed to be with her.
She called me today, very drunk saying that she misses me and that when she is drunk, she does stupid things. I asked what happened and she said she was at a work birthday party and some guy kissed her. I asked he if she let him and she said yes and no. He kissed her but she stopped him. She says it was a mistake and she could have slept with him but didn’t because she only wants me and if I was there it would not have happened. She adds she could have slept with 100 other people but is waiting for me. I immediately got angry, hung up and told her i need a few days to process.
I’m pretty mad and have many questions I want to ask her but haven’t yet. Like how did it happen? Does she know the guy? I’ll ask when I’m ready.
Is kissing cheating? Can the trust ever be rebuilt?
I would like to make this work, I’d love for thoughts from people who have been through similar.
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she FK’d him because she only wanted him!
She definitely had sex with him. But less assume they didn’t. Someone shouldn’t have the opportunity to cheat. If I said I had the opportunity to get away with murdering someone should you still feel safe around me?
Ehh. This is a little risky.
If you lived in the same city as her, I’d continue the relationship for certain. There wouldn’t be much harm in giving her another shot.
But .. this is a little bit of a yellow flag or something you should have in the back of your mind before you pack up your life and spend a ton of money trying to make this relationship work.
So, I’d just proceed with caution.
There’s a few things here. First, cheating is whatever you decide is cheating. I think many of us would argue that it is, but all that matters is if you think it is. But even if we don’t define it as cheating, is it objectively inappropriate? Sure is.
There’s are honestly bigger issues you’re not focusing enough on though. First, when she essentially says “I do stupid things when I’m drunk.” That’s literally her excusing bad behavior. That’s not ok. Second, she’s not even apologetic; she’s entirely blaming you, and she’s guilting you. That’s her gaslighting (manipulating) you. Do you really want to deal with this kind of behavior?
In short, run. Doesn’t matter how it happened; it happened. Who cares if she knows him? She told you that whenever she does something inappropriate, it’ll be your fault for not being there. That’s really the person you want to be with? Leave. I’m sorry this is happening. Good luck.
Block her number buddy. Go work on yourself until you find your self esteem. Never stay with a woman who cheated on you. She will respect you even less than she already does.
The problem with relationships formed when traveling, is you only see each other during holidays, when partying etc, when you go back to work and the routine of maintaining a household, paying bills chores etc. that’s when you really find out how compatible you really are.
I would approach this relationship with caution, in all likelyhood you’re not getting the full extent of this “kiss”, trust but verify, and be prepared to be able to walk this relationship backwards in a hurry if you need to.
It’s a shit test. She is trying to get you to commit long term through telling you she only has eyes for you.
OP it’s your call. Do you want her?
> She adds she could have slept with 100 other people but is waiting for me.
Well, yeah. That’s how committed relationships work. It should go without saying that you’re choosing the person you’re with over anyone else out there, because you just do it with no drama. If she feels the need to go out of her way to remind you other people want her, or has to remind herself she’s with you because otherwise she might do something stupid, that’s not a good sign.
She’s not amazing. She’s proven herself to be common. Leave. I guarantee she can be replaced.
Kissing is cheating. However, if she was drunk and some guy decided to kiss her and she didn’t want to be kissed, that’s not cheating, that’s being assaulted.
You need to talk to her a bit more, because it’s actually normal for people who get assaulted to feel guilty about it, as if they’re somehow responsible for it. But they’re not.
If her story is that she wanted him to kiss her and then changed her mind and stopped him, that’s confirmation this really was cheating. If her story was that she was having drinks and talking and having a good time and didn’t see it coming and stopped it because she didn’t want to be kissed but feels maybe she led him on or something? That’s the way a victim would talk.
If she was assaulted, name it. Tell her it sounds like despite her concern that she allowed herself to be kissed, it was the guy who made the choice, not her, and she stopped it and you’re pissed for her that she wasn’t kept safe at this work event. But also she should be careful about drinking if it gets in the way of her keeping herself safe.
Sounds like trickle truth to me. Find someone to date that lives close by.
Bro! Run away and cut your losses! Amazing women are everywhere and you‘ll definitely find better
Dude so what’s gonna happen with more time and distance? Is she going to do worse? What is she doing rn while you’re taking time to think? Is she gonna quit drinking? I get being sad but I’ve never gotten so sad I made out with the nearest person. So is that what she’s gonna do every time her feelings are hurt? And is your consolation prize every time she cheats gonna be at least “I didn’t kiss with tongue, or at least I didn’t give him a handjob, a least I didn’t blow him, at least I didn’t fuck him, at least I didn’t give him anal.”
Lmao imagine thinking to tell someone I could fuck 100 guys but I wanna wait for you so I only kissed one like that makes it better. Get rid of her and find someone near you. It was a work event she’s probably gonna be around him a lot. And there’s a reason he felt comfortable enough to do that.
She could have slept with 100 other people but didn’t because she wants you?
Does she want a medal for adhering to like the most basic expectation of a relationship?
She sounds selfish and shallow. You deserve not worrying about someone so insecure
Drunk kissing is sober sex. Yes, she slept with him, sorry.
Updateme
You take a few days to think. She’s going to take those days to bang 100 guys. Block the number now. Cancel your visa.
You mean your ex girlfriend right? Because this relationship is over..
Her trickle truthing has begun…
You can bet that it didn’t end at a kiss, and you can also bet that this isn’t the only time that something has happened between her and another man.
Accept that she isn’t the one, cancel your visa, and move on. You’ll find someone who’s better and closer to where you live.