TLDR My husband has started critiquing my food cruelly and I don’t know how to remind him I have feelings without him clamming up and walking away.
I (35F) have been married to my husband (35M) for 15 years. His dad, who is retired and lived with us for the majority of our marriage, has always been a bit of a jerk about my cooking which hurt me but it is what it is, and is something I have lived with for years by choice because I wanted to get along witb this person that my husband loves. Recently, I was diagnosed with Celiac so I am having to learn to cook safe foods at home and have some hits and some misses of course. During this time, though, my husband seems to have chosen the “Brutal” part of brutal honesty. Throughout our marriage, when he doesn’t like something he has always just been silent and stone faced so I have made a habit of asking for his feedback to improve the food for his palate. He used to know how to give reasonable, constructive feedback but now when he doesn’t like something I made it “is the taste and texture of a dish sponge” or ” tastes like eating a wet paper towel”. I have nowhere to go from that. I am eating the same food so I know it isn’t true, and the kids and I like it fine so it isn’t inedible. I have tried bringing up how hurtful it feels when he says stuff like that, and how I feel like I can’t ask for his advice anymore, and he just clams up and goes to our room. I don’t know what to do. This feels so out of character. I don’t know if maybe he just doesn’t want to eat gluten free, even though he insists on doing so, and which I would be fine with if that is what he chose. I would figure it out. I just wish he would be honest while also taking into consideration that I am a person with feelings.
Comments
Stop cooking tell them if it’s so bad they can fend for themselves
>His dad, who is retired and lived with us for the majority of our marriage, has always been a bit of a jerk about my cooking
And your husband let him?
To me, it’s not surprising that someone who let their family treat you that way has now started to treat you that way himself. You asked for constructive feedback, not insults ffs.
Quit asking him for feedback. If he doesn’t like your cooking, he’s an adult with a credit card that can order delivery or take-out.
Stop cooking for him and your FIL. They can figure it out.
If they don’t like your cooking then they can cook for themselves. This is about your health.
Hey OP, you shouldn’t have to remind your husband that you have feelings. What he’s doing is incredibly disrespectful and cruel. It shows contempt, and that’s a killer for marriages. I suggest you remind him that being an asshole to his wife and the mother of his children will result in him having to cook his own food—permanently, because if this keeps up, you’ll leave.
You’re only 35. Life is way too short to spend with someone who treats you so badly.
Surely at 35, he also knows how to cook. If he doesn’t want to eat sponges and paper towels – he can either learn to offer constructive. helpful feedback or make his own. You can’t be an ass AND incompetent.
Is there some kind of forcefield around your stove that only allows you to access it? If not, then perhaps he can cook his own meals that he will enjoy.
If I were you, I’d only make meals for myself. Let him figure out meals for himself, your children, and his father. You’re not the default chef because you’re a woman.
I’d stop asking his opinion and tell him he’s doing all the cooking for himself and his dad from now on. No exceptions. Especially given that he refused to speak or apologize when you brought it up.
When our partner doesn’t listen to us, we spend time trying to figure out what to say to help them understand the issue and work together to fix it. The problem is that for you and me, I care about my husband’s feelings. If he told me I hurt them, I would apologize. I’d try to communicate my intent so he knows I’m not being a jerk for the fun of it, but I absolutely still apologize and put in the effort to avoid doing it again.
So if that’s how we resolve problems, then why is the same conversation not working with your husband? Doesn’t he love you the same way you love him? He must not understand, because why else would he continue to hurt your feelings like that?
The most likely answer is that your husband probably does understand the English language, and he fully comprehends the words you’re saying. There aren’t magic words to get him to understand better. I’d switch the conversation completely. Does he care enough to change his behavior? Does he care enough to acknowledge that his words are hurtful, whether he meant for them to hurt or not? Does he understand that you tolerated it with his dad because you love your husband, but you expect better behavior from the person you’re married to?
He knows. Now does he care?
I could rock a year of girl dinner for this fool.
I would never cook for him again and I’ve yet to meet a “brutally honest” person that could handle the truth about themselves.
Absolutely just cook for yourself (and kids if you have them) and let them fend for themselves. The disrespect is wild
I’d stop cooking for them entirely. Cooking daily is a lot of effort.
Complainers can cook for themselves.
If they’re already served, I’d take the plate away and pack it for your lunch tomorrow. If they protest, you stare at them and say “why do you want something you were just an asshole about?”
Go on strike. Stop cooking cleaning doing laundry running errands all that stuff
Don’t cook for them.
Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep them warm.
So he gets bratty and clams up. So what.
solidly, I would no longer take or ask for his criticism and instead if he opines, advise him he can be responsible for his own sustenance
You could be like him and just stop cooking and become the grand asshole he is, but before you go that route maybe try getting the bum to taste test while you’re cooking to maybe see if something could be added to spruce it up.
I doubt this will work and if it doesn’t you tried your best, so then be the grand asshat he is and say well cook for yourself
Stop cooking for them