My (35M) fiancée’s (40F) severe separation anxiety is isolating me from my family — how do I handle this fairly for both of us?

Hi everyone — I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel stuck and alone in this situation.

I (35M) have been with my fiancée (40F) for a few years now. She’s amazing in so many ways, but she’s struggled with severe separation anxiety since she was a kid. It’s not just mild worry — it can get really intense and it affects our life together a lot.

Before I moved to Baltimore to live with her, I was really close to my family — they’re about 3 hours away in Richmond, VA. Since moving, I’ve tried to keep those connections alive, but it’s been hard. When I want to visit, we usually do same-day trips — drive down, spend a few hours, drive back the same day. It’s exhausting, but I do it because staying overnight really triggers her anxiety.

At the same time, she has family in New Jersey (her sister and nephews). We don’t see them super often, but when we do, we stay the whole weekend. For example, this July 4th weekend we were with her sister’s family for four days.

Last month, for the first time in two years, I stayed overnight at my uncle’s for Father’s Day. She wasn’t totally okay with it but encouraged me to go. Now, my uncle’s birthday is this Friday — my cousins invited me for a small cookout and dinner. When I told her I planned to go, she immediately asked if I’d come back the same night. I explained that’s really hard since I’d be working Friday and it’s a 3-hour drive. She asked if I’d come back Saturday morning instead of spending the day — I said no, I’d come back Saturday evening.

She got really upset. She said she knew this would happen — that my family is so close by that there’s “always something going on,” that we have things to do at home, and that she wants to spend that time with me. I offered for her to come down Saturday, but she said no. When I pointed out that if chores were really the issue, we could have cut our last weekend with her sister short to work on the house — she said it’s different because we “barely see” her sister but we “see my family all the time” (realistically, once a month at most).

This has left me feeling completely isolated. I left my whole support system behind to be here with her, but I feel like I have to fight for every chance to see my family — while she gets the security of seeing hers with no pushback from me.

I know her anxiety is real, and I truly don’t want to be unfair. But it feels like the only way to avoid triggering her is to give up my own needs completely. I love her, but I don’t want to lose my family to keep her calm — and I don’t want to resent her for it down the line.

If you’ve dealt with something like this — a partner’s separation anxiety, feeling torn between empathy and your own isolation — how did you handle it? How do you set boundaries around something that’s rooted in mental health but still impacts you deeply?

Any advice, perspective, or just your experience would really help. Thank you for reading.

TL;DR: My fiancée has severe separation anxiety and struggles when I stay overnight away from home. I moved to be with her and feel cut off from my family because staying overnight triggers her. I’m trying to be supportive but feel alone — how do I handle this in a fair, loving way?