Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
Been together 10 years married for 7. She’s never been a great lover of sex and a couple of years ago told me she didn’t want me to try and initiate anymore and she’ll let me know when she wants it which is normally a couple of times a month.
The last few times we’ve had sex she has refused to give me oral sex so I brought it up to her two weekends ago and she said she feels we are too old for that now and she had no intention of ever doing it again. With that, plus most of the time she wants me on top, makes me feel like she only has her own interests at heart when we have sex but at the same time I don’t want her to do something she doesn’t want to do as that’s not fair.
After the non initiating conversation I started talking to a sex therapist (she refused) and I bought it up to her this weekend and she said my wife is slow rolling me in to a sexless marriage and it struck home when she asked “does she ever kiss or touch you during sex or is it all you?” She said my wife is purposely trying to make sex as unejoyable as possible for me without ruining it for herself.
I don’t think I can live another 40 years like this but sex feels like a bit of a weak reason to even be thinking about divorce. How do I frame it in a way that this is so important to me it could be relationship ending but also I’m not trying to force her?
TLDR: wife refuses to give me oral and I need to let her know this could break us.
Comments
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Sorry to say but unless you want a dead bedroom marriage (this already sounds horrible tbh) leave now and start over. Make sure you are compatible with the next one. Honestly really shitty thing of your wife to do.
If blowjobs are a dealbreaker for you, then they’re a dealbreaker. Only you can decide whether they are or not. I certainly wouldn’t tell her that it’s bjs or a divorce, because you’re just going to get some rapey blowjobs that she doesn’t want to give to try to save things. That’s not any good.
I would frame it that it’s not the lack of oral or sex in general that’s the problem, it’s her refusal to speak to a professional about this issue in your marriage. If she cares for you, she can’t legitimately refuse to speak to a therapist about a major part of your relationship that she is unilaterally making all the decisions about. That’s fucked up and anyone who tells you that it’s not that big of a deal and you’ll get by without it can go touch grass.
Different sex drives is a perfectly acceptable reason for breaking up.
Sex is 10% of a relationship, unless you aren’t having it, then it becomes 90% of the problem for the person who needs it.
That’s ok. How you feel is ok.
It’s easy to say “Just deal with it”, but if it’s an integral part of a relationship for you, then you are never going to be happy without it. And that is totally ok.
It’s also totally ok that she feels that way about sex.
Just that you two may be incompatible.
The fact she doesn’t want to talk about it, or deal with it in any way, makes me feel like she isn’t making an effort in the relationship. Because a healthy relationship, means people talk about things, and meet the problems together.
This doesn’t have to be her having sex when she doesn’t want to, but it can be alternatives, such as opening up the marriage or even sex workers.
There are options.
question, do you ever give her oral?
The deal breaker is not that you and her have different sexual wants and needs. The deal breaker is that she won’t see a therapist about it and does not have any intention of meeting you in the middle.
She needs to understand that you are unhappy. You can’t expect her to change her sexual needs or behavior because you’re unhappy, but a loving partner doesn’t just make something like this your problem to deal with without being part of it.
Physical intimacy is a big part of love for most people. If it feels like she’s pulling away from you and she doesn’t care about that, I think that’s your reason
Your marriage doesn’t lack sex as much as it lacks affections u don’t live with someone who loves anymore
She cheaked out of the marriage it’s time u make a decision about your future and your happiness
I understand it can be a deal-breaker but enough for a divorce is something which baffles me. Hope you get through this OP!
It sounds like a much bigger problem than just not getting head. If she’s that deadbeat in the bedroom and has absolutely no interest in trying to improve it/communicate with you on the topic, the issue is definitely deeper. I would maybe suggest going to see a regular therapist and see how she responds to that, if you ask her to go because of your overall relationship and she refuses, than you know you got some real serious issues
I find it really concerning if that’s what your sex therapist said to you. That seems incredibly unprofessional to demonize your wife in this situation without any idea what is going on with her.
There are so many ways to interpret your wife’s actions here and which one is true without hearing from her. For instance, the first thought that popped into my head when I read that she always wants you on top was the line “just lay perfectly still and let him get it over with”.
Maybe she’s just not into it, maybe something is affecting her sex drive, maybe she doesn’t feel emotionally safe and connected. Have you tried addressing any of that?
Maybe you just aren’t sexually compatible, but maybe you need a relationship therapist rather than a sex therapist.
What are your real concerns here? Are you worried about the relationship or are you worried about not getting pleasured? If I was having issues with my sex drive and my SO suggested a sex therapist only to address his own sexual needs, it certainly would make me feel even less comfortable with the idea of sex with that person.
Copied from another thread. I saved the text because it really hit home:
From what I’ve seen both personally and through friends, sex is one of the most important ways a man feels loved and connected in a relationship. It’s not just about wanting to have sex for the sake of it. It’s about the emotional connection, the feeling of being desired, and knowing your partner genuinely wants to please you. That kind of intimacy makes a man feel valued in a deep way.
Interestingly, this is one of the few emotional needs that men are often pretty vocal about. Unlike other feelings they might bottle up, many men are willing to express when they feel sexually disconnected or unfulfilled, probably because the relationship has no chance of the sex life is bad.
I think a lot of men speak up about this need, especially because when that part of a relationship fades, it often leads to distance or even breakups. It’s similar to how many women feel about romance and emotional attention; both are valid needs, just expressed differently.
I’ve also noticed is that some women, especially in long-term relationships, can start to view sex as less important over time. Sometimes it’s framed as “maturing past” that phase, or seeing it as shallow compared to other aspects of the relationship. But for a lot of men, that intimacy isn’t shallow at all, it’s central to feeling close and connected.
You want sex. You want a specific type of sex. You want sex in your schedule. If you don’t get that, you want to leave. Just… go already?
You may, however, want to reflect on the idea of a partnership and whether the rest of the time you’re acting in a way that helps your wife stay in love with you and feel sexy. Having to do all of the housework kills a woman’s sex drive dead. Not being heard when it comes to disagreements kills it. Feeling that their partner sees sex as their right is a big turnoff. A lack of cuddling and foreplay and just being g quiet together without it wakes us leading to sex kills the mood. So does a partner who’s selfish.
Your ‘sex therapist’ sounds like a bad joke, but that’s another matter.
I don’t think you should give her an ultimatum. I basically never think you should give ultimatums in relationships unless someone is engaging in behaviour that is harmful to themselves (eg telling an alcoholic that they need to stop drinking or you will leave them). A lot of people feel very differently about this, and that’s obviously fair, but I believe this very strongly.
You do not need to tell your wife that this is relationship-ending territory for you. You only need to tell her that it’s very important to you and that you are not happy/satisfied with the way things are going.
GIf she knows how important it is to you and still decides not to do it, then she does not really care about what you want/need. That is enough for you to leave.
If you give the ultimatum, there are two (and a half) outcomes:
she says no and you leave her, in which case the ultimatum changed nothing from you just leaving
she agrees to give you head so you don’t leave. From that moment on every time she goes down on you you will know she doesn’t want to be there and is literally only doing it so you don’t leave her.
Bonus half possibility) she says she will do it so you stick around, but she either never does or she does a few times and then stops again. You end up stuck in this relationship because she said things would change/maybe they changed a little for a little while, but ultimately you’re back in this exact same situation a few years down the line. You’ve accomplished nothing.
So, again in my opinion, you should give it one real go to express to her how important this is to you. If she doesn’t budge, leave. You will know your satisfaction is simply not important to her, and you won’t have to get half-assed resentful head a few times a year for the rest of your life. Which is ultimately the best case scenario for your ultimatum. In my opinion, that best case scenario is worse than divorce. But to each their own.
Yeah. Don’t stay in this marriage if you aren’t happy with it being so awful sexually. When you are 60 you will ask yourself, “what the fuck was I thinking when i decided to throw are those fun years away.” You deserve to have fun with a partner who wants you sexually.