Our arrangement (which my gf initially came up with) is that whoever didn’t cook does the dishes. The problem is that I cook more often and also end up doing the dishes more often, because she will leave them in the sink for days after, which will cause pile-ups and bug/inconvenience me into just doing them myself.
This weekend both of us cooked, but I had exclusively done dishes, so I asked her yesterday to finish what was in the sink and wipe the stovetop and counters sometime during the day. She agreed, but this morning it still wasn’t done. She said she would do it after she got home from work – then she told me she was going to go into work late since she could, so I asked if she would do them before she left (I’m working from home and knew I’d just end up doing it myself). She snapped that I’m incapable of letting the dishes sit and that it’s only been 24 hours. I think it’s completely normal to expect dishes to get done within 24 hours. I’ve had a ton of roommates over the years and that’s always been the standard (not that it’s always gotten done that way, but no one has ever told me I’m being ridiculous to want that).
We went back and forth about whether she had time to do it yesterday, she said she guesses she just shouldn’t have sat down and had coffee with me, then got up and did everything (in literally about ten minutes, which was part of my point in the first place), got ready, and left in a huff.
So, I need a reality check, because her reaction is making me feel crazy. Is 24 hours a normal amount of time to expect dishes/general kitchen cleanup to get done? I know I’m being a nag, and I hate it, but I’ve tried never saying anything and just doing it all myself and it turns out I hate that even more. Any general advice about splitting chores?
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I would say 24 hours is more than enough time to get the kitchen cleaned up. But is it really just about the dishes, or more generally dissatisfaction about splitting the chores? If the latter, set up a rota that you both contribute to and agree on.
My partner cooks more than I do and immediately after dinner is completed I take care of the clean up while she relaxes or does whatever she wants. Ask if it would be fair if she couldn’t eat the meal you prepared for 24 hours.
It sounds like she hates doing dishes/kitchen cleanup and won’t admit it. Is there some other chore you do that you can give to her in return for you always seeing to the dishes, because clearly this is not working. Preferably a chore that needs to be done regularly, like laundry. The I-cook-you-clean always sounds like a great hypothetical deal, but the cleaner has no control over how much gets dirtied and the cook should really be doing clean-as-you-go. Sit down and redivide the chores before (maybe too late) this becomes too much,
I don’t consider that reasonable. We have the same arrangement – whoever didn’t cook does the dishes – and the dishes are done that night. After dinner.
In my current household, the expectation is that the kitchen is clean at the end of the day before we go to bed – dishes washed, benches wiped, etc – but when I lived with my parents they were very happy to let the dishes sit for days at a time, and no matter how hard I tried to convince them that this was gross, no one ever cared enough to do the dishes regularly, and so I always ended up doing them.
It sounds like your girlfriend either 1 has different expectations about kitchen cleanliness (in which case you probably want to decide on some hard and fast rule for how long the dishes can wait, so that you don’t have to do them for her), or 2 just doesn’t care. There’s not really a solution for that one unfortunately, so I hope it’s the former
Is this her being irresponsible or is this a matter of timetables. My bf and I have different time frames of when things should be cleaned and it was pissing me off that he took longer. He is not lazy he has different priorities and works a lot. we had to adjust our expectations and collaborate on appropriate timelines. The key is that we were both open to the convos and tried our best to not to get defensive. it’s also evolving maybe you do dishes and she does laundry or does dusting idk that’s up to you.
The dishes should be done before you go to bed. Unless you want to play host to mice, ants, and cockroaches. Presumably you also need clean dishes in order to prepare food the next day! Your gf is slovenly.
Things like this are important to some and not so much to others. But it feels like you are seeing your GF not stepping up as much as you’d like and this face-off could be about anything, not just the dishes. I think this does need heading off otherwise resentment will set in and be of no help to anybody. An adult conversation needs to be had about looking out for each other, being present and how easy it is to not p1ss the other person off. You can’t make her do it though and enforcing rules is going to make you look like the enemy. This feels like a parent / child style relationship.
How are you supposed to prepare food in a kitchen that hasn’t been cleaned from the last meal preparation? That’s gross. The kitchen should be cleaned to completion after every meal.
Next time you cook tell her she can eat the meal in 24-48 hours. Or after the kitchen is cleaned.
It’s reasonable to expect dishes to be cleaned within a day, but setting up a clear system for who does what and when can prevent misunderstandings and keep things running smoothly… like maybe assigning specific times of the day or using a chart to track responsibilities.
This is actually a common incompatibility and one that needs to be discussed more.
The issue with living with someone who is less neat and tidy than you is that you will always end up doing the bulk of the cleaning because the threshold of mess and dirt you can tolerate before you have to just clean it yourself or nag will always be lower than theirs.
I have left partners like this and honestly have zero regret. I felt sooo much happier without them. If she can’t stick to something that has been agreed upon, that’s a reflection of her character and needs to be called out and she needs to take accountability. Otherwise it simply won’t get better and you need to decide if you want to clean up after someone for life or call the whole thing off. I know the trope about redditors always suggesting breaking up but I legit have always felt WAY better being free of people like this because it is absolutely miserable living with them.
Doing the dishes is an easy (though tedious) task. To complain about it or put it off is childish. Your girlfriend is childish. Leave her. Tell her you only date adults.
Dishes are a daily chore. In fact in my house (family of 5) it’s at least a 2x a day chore. There’s no waiting for tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own dishes. They suck, no one likes doing them. But putting them off is not realistic nor is it being a good roommate/partner.
I’d sit down and have a conversation about the larger issue of chores and see if you can come up with new agreements that work for both of you. Maybe there are other things she will agree to take on, maybe she can pay for a housecleaning twice a month. If not, you’ve got decide if living with a dirty bird is for you. If it is, you’re going to have to do more cleaning than her.
The rule must be that no cooking takes place until ALL the dirty dishes are completely done.
When you live alone and don’t care, sure… when you’re living with someone else and it’s something they don’t like then simple habit fix. Like it’s not that hard to compromise on them adjusting their behavior to take care of a simple clean up task. It’s literally them either choosing to respect or disrespect your space and time.
One cooks and the other cleans is a fair bargain. Dishes should be done right after the meal. It takes a lot less effort to do them then before the food dries onto the dishes. Not to mention the smell. I would say if she isn’t going to do the dishes then stop cooking. Let her cook and you can do the dishes. “Since you regularly fail to do your part of the bargain you agreed to then I’ll take care of the dishes and you can do all of the cooking.”
You are not crazy at all. I feel more questions could help you sus out the situation a bit more possibly. Are the dishes rinsed out (to a normal degree)? I’m not suggesting pre-washing them haha. Does she have ADHD, is this a newer behavior, or is she depressed? Are there household chores she is stronger in, and you aren’t, that could re-divide chores? like, does she irrationally hate dishes? I’m not a big fan of dishes, but my solution for myself is I put on a podcast (most likely a Reddit one lol) and do the dishes while entertained. It just feels like some piece is missing that she’s not saying. I personally hate the idea of eating and relaxing, then having to do dishes, so I clean before I even sit down to eat (but I don’t have a partner in my home, so I clean as I go type of deal). Would she rather wash dishes before eating?
What is her reason for letting dishes sit if she was given the space and safety to talk it out? It seems like the conversation quickly turns into her being defensive versus you feeling hurt dynamic, and I’m wondering if there’s a more neutral, less charged way to have this conversation for you to both have the space to talk from your own perspectives (The “I feel” statements and such). Best of luck OP
I have ADHD and if I never washed another dish in my life, that would be awesome. Is she ND?
Just revisit your arrangement so that it includes a time frame. Right after dinner is normal, but if she resists, be flexible – maybe an hour, same day, etc.
Switch to paper plates. Put away extra cups and silverware. When they are needed you can fish them out of the sink, clean them off and you are ready to go. Use microwave more.
Lol. You’re like two kids fighting over who should eat the cookie. It does not bode well for your relationship. Your initial agreement that whoever cooks, the other should wash the dishes was a fair compromise. It just needs to be enforced. When your partner can’t even stick to such a simple agreement, how are you going to tackle more complicated issues like children and finances. Have a reevaluation of your relationship now before wasting more time with this person.
It’s not about letting the dishes sit it’s about wanting to use the kitchen more than every other day.
Bare minimum, the kitchen needs to be reset before it’s time to cook the next day.
For me+my fiance, I cook and he and I clean immediately afterwards. The kitchen is (generally, more or less) clean when we go to bed. If there are more dishes than can fit in the dishwasher, that’s NBD and we’ll run it again the next day, but leaving the dishes piled for 24 hours would cause a major problem for us.