My (36F) boyfriend (38M) took mom’s side and I don’t know if I am overreacting

My boyfriend and I have had many problems, mainly related to his lying about random things (huge red flag, I know). But another huge problem has been his mom. This is a bit long but I really want to know if I am being unreasonable or if this relationship just can’t move forward. We have been together for almost 2 years and his mom’s jealousy for me hasn’t improved.

As you can see from his age, he is a grown man. But his mother dislikes me simply for the fact that I am with him. She wants him to be single, period, and is jealous that anyone spends more time with him than her. He waffles between “my parents are manipulating me” to “it’s my mom and I can’t do anything” constantly.

There are more issues in our relationship that I will not describe here (like lying and gaslighting and then constantly promising to do better and change it), but I want to go over his relationship with his mother. She expects him to be texting all day, and if he isn’t available she ask him if he’s “ok” if he doesn’t respond immediately. The worst part is that she works in mental health and must have some sense of what he is doing — manipulating him into responding when he is busy with other stuff because she is bored and wants to talk to him.

Don’t get me wrong. To me it’s fine if they talk every day, and if he didn’t respond for a very long time I would completely understand if she texted asking if he was ok. But we are talking about a nonstop stream of texts all day, with her checking up on him if he doesn’t respond within hours. And yet, she blocks him sometimes for days whenever he tries to set a boundary. And yet, when I bring this up he acts as if I am trying to cut him off from his family.

He has expressed annoyance at his mom keeping him on a leash and always having to be available for her, and always tells me he’s putting up boundaries. But from what I see, that has never happened. The few times he has mentioned to her that he needed space she blocked him for weeks, but she always comes back. She talks to him about her job, her life, her emotions and most of the time I think he probably knows more about her life than mine. But the worst part is that he doesn’t ever tell her when he is with me, or bring me up in any way. It’s like it’s implied but they just have some unspoken rule not to bring me up. It pains me and makes me feel like I am worth nothing — and honestly, the other woman. It’s like just being with me is somehow disrespecting his mother, and this has led to me feeling ashamed of who I am.

This woman dislikes me for no apparent reason other than I spend more time with her son than she does and has a deeper relationship with him (which seems like a given to me considering how human relationships work). I spent the holidays with them last year (in another country) and she was extremely dismissive of me, accusing him of ignoring her at the airport when we came (not true) and also making sure we couldn’t spend any time together because of “emergencies” like not being able to operate her blender (which he probably has never used). He said it would be a trip “for us” and I ended up spending most of the time in an airbnb alone while he hung out with his mom. One night around 11pm we were all hanging out and I was ready to go to sleep, and the mom got upset that we were leaving so “early.” I would let them hang out every day and it was never enough.

When she came here unexpectedly a few months later to stay with him for a “work” trip, I was annoyed but tried to make peace. She texted him while she was getting on her flight and he was with me. We sent her a photo of us together (we were on a roof deck at sunset when she texted) and she responded not with a “Can’t wait to see you!” but a snide message that I was “marking my territory.” As if sending a photo of himself with his girlfriend to his MOM is wrong or implied bad motives. I declined to meet her during that visit after that comment, and she also refused to apologize. When she started texting my boyfriend incessantly again, I sent her a message a few months ago politely asking her to respect our time together and stop making snide comments about me. She never responded. She blocked him for weeks but then started it up again.

Fast forward to now, and she continues sending him messages asking if he’s “ok” when we all know that she just wants to keep tabs on him. I decided to set up a group chat saying that he is ok, he is with me, and if something bad happens to him I will let her know. I also said that the reason I didn’t see her last time was that she said I was marking my territory as if I were a dog. She didn’t say the last part about my being a dog directly, but it’s pretty clear that her comments implied a behavior that only animals are capable of and that is how I felt. So I said as much.

Instead of defending me or asking me how I felt about that, my boyfriend freaked out when he saw the group chat saying “She never said you were a dog!” and to “stop.” As if the rest of the comment about “marking territory” was completely fine. He claimed he was going to handle it, and yet was completely silent in the chat. To me, this is all I need to know. So many times he has chosen her. I mean, just a few months ago he flew last-minute flew to his mom two days after Christmas after planning to spend the new year with me even when I was sick (apparently she threatened to cut him off).

I never wanted him to stop talking to his mom, but just merely acknowledge how her words and actions have made me feel and stop trying to silence me when I stick up for myself. We were going to move in together and “build a life” together, but I do not see how this is possible when he can’t even bring up his partner to his family and even lies about how much he talks to his mom. To me there is no reason why he can’t have a girlfriend and a close relationship with his mom (within reason), but it’s like he feels he needs to choose. And I am always the one whose feelings are dismissed and walking on eggshells not to upset his mom, even when she talks badly about me.

I know that HE is supposed to deal with his mom and not me, but I also feel I have taken so much and I’m tired of being quiet. Even if she doesn’t say it directly, her constant texts and disdain for me makes me feel like I am doing something wrong just for living my life with him. He always says he will “deal with it” but then always just ends up saying “Well, it’s my mom.” It is so clear she is texting him “Are you ok?” just so he keeps a conversation going with her while he is with me, and she makes snide comments to make him feel bad about it. I feel I have absorbed his shame for being in a relationship as well as additional hurt from him and his mom talking for hours about their lives and having an unspoken rule that I won’t be mentioned. I get the sense that before he started dating me, they talked even more and now she’s upset.

I am so hurt. It’s not just about one comment, it’s about how he will go out of his way to do anything and everything to appease his mom at the expense of my feelings — and it is never enough. But I always end up feeling crazy and bad for defending myself.

Is there any salvaging this? Should I just let these comments go? I feel that maybe he wants to change but does not see how deeply this affects him. I have seen glimmers of hope but now feel I have no choice but to end it.

TL;DR: Adult boyfriend’s mom texts incessantly and is jealous of his girlfriend, and his girlfriend is wondering how to handle it.