Our biggest issue that was the “same fight” under all of our fights was that when he did something I felt was unkind or disrespectful, I wanted him to acknowledge that it wasn’t nice in some way, and to apologize. I often had to chase apologies for weeks, and he didn’t want to “take on my worldview”. Aka- admit something wasn’t kind. He called it taking on my worldview. I call it being able to admit your mistakes/wrongdoings. How do others handle this? Is it important to you that someone admits they were disrespectful?
When he wanted me to apologize for something, he’d ask me to acknowledge it was a betrayal, or disrespectful, which I’m fine with. I think that’s a core part of an apology. But he never wanted to. We’ve read a few relationship books, and in all the apology examples in them, the person admits they weren’t nice in some way. That seems important. The book “why won’t you apologize?” also talks about the importance of admitting when you’re wrong.
Examples of things I wanted him to admit weren’t okay in some way: calling me a coward, saying “fuck you”, texting his ex after promising he wouldn’t (she was rude to me and sent him inappropriate photos), completely ignoring me when I was throwing up while pregnant right in front of him at a park, baking with an ingredient he knows I don’t like and not giving me a heads up, rolling his eyes at me on mother’s day when I asked him to watch the baby so I could shower, intentionally ignoring me when I asked him a question, turning off his phone without giving me a heads up.
A lot of those things are behaviours I think are objectively not okay in a relationship. But he never wanted to acknowledge that any of those weren’t ok in some way. The furthest he wanted to go was “I’m sorry it hurt your feelings” after I pressured him to apologize. I occasionally “convinced” him after weeks or months that something wasn’t okay, but it was a rough road to get him to acknowledge it. It comes across to me as someone who can’t be wrong at any cost.
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I had several wonderfully healthy relationships over the years, that weren’t without conflict, but the people I dated were genuinely kind and when they weren’t, they’d own it. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t nice of me. I’ll do better” etc. I always really respected when people could do that.
I unfortunately dated/married two guys in a row who struggle with this particular thing, admitting wrongdoing. And it turns out it’s a skill that someone can’t seem to learn unless they REALLY want to.
“I don’t want to take on your worldview’ is how a sociopath says ‘I have no empathy and intend to keep abusing you.”
Something I learned in meditation is that people can be wrong, whether they admit or not, and that it’s pointless to get someone to admit they’re wrong if they keep hurting you.
The question isn’t whether he’ll admit to his hurtful actions. The question is: How long will you put up with this?”
ETA: Stop having babies with him.
‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings’ is neither a sincere apology, nor is it taking ownership of his behavior.
Good for you for moving out but this inability to admit he’s wrong is going to continue to be a problem as you co-parent.
I actually have a question for you: what is the value of an apology from someone who is consistently willing to treat you like he has? Causal disregard of your… everything(?) is a pattern for him, so what does it matter if he says “I’m sorry”? An apology with no intention to change or adjust or do better in the future is meaningless. Trying to introduce him to basic children’s concepts like respect for others, compassion, or even perspective taking is pointless because he understands those skills, and demands them from you, he just doesn’t care enough to employ them with or for you.
What ChatGPT said about it:
This post is so clear and heartfelt — you lay out the dynamic in a way that really shows how fundamental the issue was. What you’re describing (needing acknowledgment and responsibility-taking vs. him resisting it at all costs) is actually a very common relationship fault line. A few thoughts you might find validating or useful:
Your question — “Is it important to you that someone admits they were disrespectful?” — is powerful. For many people, yes. Without acknowledgment, there’s no real repair. That’s why you felt like you were fighting the same fight over and over — you never got the repair stage.
Yeah, OP, you shouldn’t be chasing someone for weeks to get them to apologize. Even if they do, it’s not sincere. This guy just does not seem like a good person. You should’ve walked away from him and let someone else deal with him. Maybe he can find another woman who doesn’t care if he apologizes and just accepts him for the awful person he is.