I have a really small chest, and I’m insecure about it. Very occasionally, I’ll (36F) make a self-deprecating joke about about my “gigantic jugs” to my new-ish partner (49M). He does not know that this is an insecurity of mine, though.
Today, we were on the phone, and were discussing how mountainous California is compared to Kansas. He started saying, “Kansas is as flat as…….I don’t think I can make this joke.” And I said, “I don’t know what joke you’re making, so I don’t know. What is it?” And he said, “Kansas is as flat as…can I make this joke? …Kansas is as flat as your chest.”
In the moment I already felt hurt, but outwardly laughed and quipped, “What?! I have gigantic jugs!” And he said something like, “I mean, they’re not exactly the Adirondacks” (I can’t remember because I already was kind of blanking out).
My partner is otherwise extremely emotionally intelligent, caring, and considerate–which is why this comment felt especially jarring, I guess. There have been no other red flags or anything, and he is frequently telling me I’m beautiful, unprompted. I’ve never felt more emotionally safe with a man. I should add that he is from a culture known for its directness and bluntness, and he doesn’t have a ton of experience with women… What’s the best way to see this situation? How do I address it if at all?
TL;DR: New boyfriend of 4 months made insensitive joke about my body, hitting a pain point without knowing it. How do I approach, and am I overreacting?
Comments
You’re 36 and you’re still giving a shit about what the world thinks about your body? Let go of that shit and embrace the freedom.
Talk to him. If I were him, I would think it was something you’d be ok joking about since you joke to him directly about it. I know some people will not agree but some couples are like that and maybe he thought it was fair game. Just tell him you didn’t appreciate it and stop making jokes yourself.
I mean you make “jokes” about them, and haven’t communicated it’s an insecurity:
His joke wasn’t funny but you can’t be upset with him about something you haven’t communicated about . Your feelings are valid, communicate them and stop joking about something that isn’t funny to you
I mean its been four months. Maybe he’s showing you who he is.
Btw, don’t be insecure about how you are built. There are plenty of us who do not care. Its about the person. If he can’t see past that, he ain’t it.
That would be a deal breaker for me, because at 49 he should know better
Tell him it’s an insecurity and that the joke made you uncomfortable.
Men are simple creatures. It is possible he heard your self-deprecating jokes and assumed it was something OK to joke about.
Just be honest with him!
You’re dating a corny, nearly 50 year old guy. Need we elaborate more? His joke is a cheap shot, doesn’t sound like a funny guy, but just tell him you’re insecure about it.
Sorry but you set the stage: If you make jokes about your bust, your partner is going to think it’s fair territory. If you don’t want to be talked to that way, don’t talk about yourself that way because it makes it seem acceptable.
Just talk to him about it, that you’re insecure about it and that’s why you make jokes. But make it clear you are trying to change that (because you are, right?) & you want him to understand where it comes from but it’s a sore spot for you.
The only red flag here is you went to Reddit about this first rather than communicating.
Sounds like a realists point of view lol I bet he didn’t mean harm, probably enjoys the flat top mountains haha