Hey,
I’ll try and keep this short. My partner and I are struggling with infertility (we are not married but together many years). She is triggered easily and it’s at the point where it’s hard for her to be happy for other people (when it comes to pregnancies etc).
My sister recently announced she was pregnant. They already didn’t have a great relationship, for reasons that I’m not sure are worth going into here. But suffice to say my partner has made it clear she has some pretty strict boundaries, and has no interest in “being involved” with my nephew.
I thought it may be possible to navigate. But this situation is stressing me out terribly. I want to be a present, loving brother and uncle. I also want to be an empathetic and supportive partner.
My partner is also very private and doesn’t wish to discuss the situation with my family, which makes her distance even more confusing and hurtful for them. It would likely be easier to navigate if she felt comfortable opening up to them a bit about the severity of the situation.
I know my partner would understand if we broke up. She even suggested it when I found out my sister is pregnant. Are my priorities a bit skewed? I just find myself thinking about my future nephew, my sister, my brother in law. I’m thinking about my brother (33M) who is married and will likely have children at some point. I am thinking about our friends who more and more are getting pregnant.
I feel like I’ve done my best up to this point, but something about my sister’s upcoming child feels all-consuming. I mean, maybe there’s a world where my partner just isn’t involved? But I want to have them over for dinner, I want to have nice holidays. And I just don’t think it’s possible.
Has anyone been through this before? I’m coming to Reddit because I promised my partner I wouldn’t bring this issue up again to her for 30 days. She just doesn’t have the capacity to care; doesn’t think her boundaries should be a huge deal for me all things considered etc.
Trying to figure if it’s best to fight through and have faith things will shake out, or let my partner go so she doesn’t have to interface with these sorts of things as frequently, which may be better for her happiness.
Comments
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She needs therapy.
I was told at 17 I probably won’t have babies. When my husband started trying (cause all the docs said we can get ya there,) it took over 7 years. Never once did I reject my siblings’ babies, never took away from their joys. I had my moments, IN PRIVATE, but never took it out on others and never expected my partner to not be the best uncle he could be with his sisters kids.
It is ok to question the relationship. Do you think if you stayed with her, it would get better with counseling? Or would you start to resent her if she didn’t try counseling and allowed this to get between you and your family?
If you want to be a supportive and involved uncle, it’s worst considering a breakup. She made it clear how she feels and it’s ok to feel that way. However, this is going to be a major problem for you if you are planning on being involved with your nephew. If your partner was actively seeking therapy and other forms of help to get through this and get better, I would suggest figuring it out! But she made it clear what her boundaries are, now you have to decide what way you want to swing. Either is valid, but it’s not fair for you to ask for or expect both.
I totally understand infertility is a cause of much upset but I think if having children of your own is the be all and end all of your life to the detriment of your relationship with familyfriends who have children its time to seek counselling.
Let her go or require she go to therapy. It’s a heartbreaking situation for her to be in but she can’t take it out on you and your sister. I have experienced this being the pregnant one with my sister in law unable to get pregnant. Luckily she is a wonderful aunt to my kids and a supportive sister in law now. However she was not always nice to me to say the least when I was pregnant and it absolutely impacted my relationship with my brother. I can’t imagine if my sister in law said she didn’t want a relationship with my kids.
This is literally what marriage counseling is for.
Reddit gives a lot of bad advice on marriage and relationships in general. This is a serious issue you are facing and you need the services of a professional not a bunch of amateurs with the anonymity of the internet.
Most marital problems aren’t black or white. They are nuanced and layered in complex emotions. Way above reddits pay grade.
I went through a decade of infertility. Many losses. Many of my friends and BOTH my sisters got pregnant before me. I was bitter at times, almost hateful (kept it to myself). I did vent to one of my sisters, I cried a whole bunch and after the news of her pregnancy wasn’t so fresh, I did tell her that it was hard for me to be happy for others. Then I felt like an asshole, cause I felt like I stole a little of her joy, she was so caring and told me she understands.
Then I got pregnant and felt like an even bigger asshole when everyone was so fucking happy for me.
I get it. I really do. But if your wife is going to cut you off from your family and then treat pregnant people like they are pieces of shit, then maybe you need to re-evaluate of this is the kind of person you want to have kids with. If she gets pregnant, is she going to expect everyone to fall at her feet and praise her and give her support while she is like “oh sorry about all mean shit I said and did before, oops”. Bro no way.
She is burning the support bridge so fucking hard right now and she is gonna be all shocked Pikachu when it’s her turn.
She needs counseling because infertility is hard, it sucks and it feels so unfair. It feels like a personal attack and it sucks when people get pregnant easily and you can’t. But it’s not personal, people aren’t having babies to spite her, they aren’t rubbing it in her face by growing their family, which is ultimately what she wants to do, create a family.
Respectfully she needs to get her shit together, get some therapy and not demand outrageous shit like asking you not to be a part of your nephews life. Man this triggered me.
I’ve been the sister who gets treated like crap bc my sister is struggling with infertility. It sucks and it makes it super awkward when my child is treated poorly by her aunt. My sister set some hard boundaries early on and we respect them but it makes things really awkward and difficult at times, and her boundaries aren’t nearly as big as your partners. I’d reconsider the relationship. Your partner needs a lot of therapy and I’d reconsider if it’s someone I’d want to have kids with. Infertility is insanely hard and so emotional so her having a tough time is soooo understandable, but the way she’s dealing with it is going to long term cause issues. The fact that she wants to cut your sister/nephew out entirely is a major red flag. I’d understand not being able to attend a baby shower or whatever and taking some space, but to say no contact at all… ooof. That poor baby. And I bet she would feel like crap if she did conceive and nobody cared bc she already alienated everyone. She’s not dealing in a good or healthy way.
Your partner has mental health issues and needs therapy. Unfortunately, if she doesn’t see the need or understand she has a problem there is nothing you can do.
Your partner’s emotional struggle is understandable, but it is absolutely not okay for her to project that struggle onto everyone around her by resenting your sister for being pregnant and refusing to be happy for her- and for you for becoming an uncle.
That SUCKS.
Someone who truly loves you- and is emotionally mature enough to love someone in a healthy way- will be able to be happy for your family, for this blessing your sister will welcome, in spite of their own life turning out different than they had hoped. They would be able to be happy for you, in becoming an uncle- because they want more love in your life, not less; for your family growing and enduring through a new generation; and most importantly, they should be able to welcome this innocent baby into their hearts, as someone who is essentially their auntie if you two were to stay together.
The fact that your partner can’t set aside her own experience of pain to rejoice in your and your sister’s experience of something wonderful speaks volumes.
I personally would not want to continue in a relationship with someone who requires that their misery be contagious, and describes it as their “boundaries.”
What’s next- her mom dies so she refuses to spend time with your mom, and won’t allow you to talk about things you do together? She gets fired, so you’re not allowed to talk about your promotion at work?
Gross.
Listen, like I said- her pain is understandable. But how she’s behaving around it is not acceptable, fair, or healthy.