My 36M husband received a text from his coworker that I noticed on his phone. It was her name with the 🤪(to me this is a flirty emoji). I questioned him why she would even have his number or text him at all. His response was he gave her his number to “detail” her car. I questioned further why she needed his number when they work together & could set it up at work. His response was that she wanted to have it done on a weekend but wasn’t sure. He got very defensive as soon as I asked him about it & he immediately asked if we were over & left the house when I said yes but that was his immediate reaction to leave & get defensive & mad, instead of staying and discussing further. In my last relationship which he knows this, I was cheated on with one of his coworkers. He claims nothing happened & he wouldn’t never do that to me but to me that’s just typical things you say when you get caught. His defensive was such a red flag for me, & he tried to turn it around on me & called me all sorts of ugly names. I know my trust issues get in the way but my intuition tells me it’s wrong. To me there is no reason a female coworker should text a taken man. We just had a baby 5 months ago. He claimed he was in a “meeting” when she texted him at 7:11am. I’m just extremely hurt and looking for guidance on what others think. I feel like I can’t trust him at work because to me there seems to be some sort of inappropriate relationship between him and his coworker. What would you do in this situation?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It’s possible he got defensive and avoidance because you keep questioning him after he already explained.
He left the house after you said you were over/done… if you wanted to talk more, you should’ve said that. Don’t get me wrong, the defensiveness is sus, but you’ve both got to work on your communication skills.
His reaction is sus but maybe approach the conversation again and express your concerns/fears. If he dismisses you again, something is definitely up but if he reassures you/maybe shows you their messages then that’s a good sign.
It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling. You already know the answers to the ?s that you don’t want to be true. Him knowing about your past experiences and still would put you in a similar situation, not ok. No respect for you and you may have a narcissist on your hands. Probably wants you do the dirty work and break up with him. I feel for you
His reaction. Oh are we over now.
Is a massive read flag, it’s typical cheater deflection.
He doesn’t need to be helping any 21 year old with her car or be giving out his number.
I wouldnt let this drop and I’d tell him to call her in front of you or he can leave for good
Just so you know, at 60 years old, my last admin girl when she started ended up putting her contact details in my phone herself. She did something similar and it sits like that to this day. She is 24.
Now that I’ve retired, she still stays in touch. The key of course is that she loves both my wife and my dog more than she loves me.
She’s just a happy cheeky kid.
It’s not always underhanded.
So he got a text from a co-worker and your first leap was “it’s over”. You sound rough to deal with. Don’t be surprised if it is over.
Sounds like you both responded immaturely. Him in his walking out and asking if you’re over and for you responding yes.
You guys need to learn to communicate better. You ha e a child tp raise whether together or as co parents if you decide to split. If you can’t accept his explanation for what it is and there is no evidence to suggest otherwise, you need therapy to address the damage your previous relationship did before it ruins this one.
trust your instincts.
see a lawyer and start protecting yourself.
then find out what the hell is going on.
act accordingly to your best interests.
don’t waste your f’ing time if he is indeed a cheater
Reach out to her. Get her side of things. Look at deleted messages if he has an iPhone. Does he have a history of lying or cheating? What made you check his phone in the first place or was it happenstance? Your feelings are valid but as someone who has trauma from prior cheaters you have to learn to let go of that fear for future relationships or they will all fail due to the lack of trust. It could be he’s frustrated because of that but his reaction to jump right to “are we done” is sus.
So how long you all been together? Were you even legal when the relationship began? Wouldn’t surprise me at all if he cheated as it’s not just the age gap but the fact you were only 21 right now. He very well could be a creep.
Why would he immediately jump to “are we over” when questioned about having a female’s number in his phone? THAT is the suspicious part.
Calling you ugly names? Is that new? Turning it around on you is also a red flag.
I agree – his reaction about this coworker is a big red flag.