Obvious throw away.
I (36M) have been married to wife, we’ll call her W (35F) for more than 5 years. We’ve known each other for for more than 10. We’ve had our ups and downs, but what I love about us is that we are good, kind people, and we’ve always worked things out. We’ve had some hardships, almost all were fairly minor and dealt with. We’ve only argued a handful of times over the years and we always worked through it with communication and kindness.
2024 was not a great year for us. Nothing major happened, but 2024 was best described by the word “apathy” for both of us. I really did not like that and in late December I vowed to push myself out of comfort zones, be braver, start having difficult conversations. So we started going out more, we started talking more and I felt we were doing well.
Fast forward to March – April and I started to notice some changes in my wife. Was on the phone a lot more than usual. At first I did not pay it a second thought, because I knew her company had a major project releasing soon and there was a lot of pressure and work. Then she started talking to me quite a bit about a co-worker, we’ll call him C. She was openly talking about talking stuff with the guy, hanging out when they are tired of their co-workers, etc. She was also telling me things about him that felt like he was being really nice to her. At first I thought she was poking me to make me feel a bit jealous as a joke (I rarely show jealousy because when I was younger I was very jealous, and even though I had every reason to be, because I was right every time, as I was in fact cheated on, I really did not like who it made me into). I thought this because we had a running joke about her being jealous because at a weeding a few years past, one of the groom’s female friends was hitting on me, very subtly, so subtly that I didn’t even pick it up until she pointed it out. Needless to say I did not respond in any way and kept a healthy distance.
So the project goes out the door, a few weeks pass, and the spending time on the phone is the same, if not more. One night my wife goes to sleep and leaves me and her phone alone in the living room. Both my wife and I know each other’s passwords, have location finding on, so while I know it’s not exactly a show of trust, at this point I feel like something is not quite right. Also, she has looked into some of my messages when I was typing in the past, so I did not feel too guilty.
Anyway, I open the phone and say… I’ll have a quick look at the chat with C, just to get a feel for how the interaction is. Look through a few messages, and it takes just like 20 seconds to realize nothing seems up. Most messages are friendly, but with a very healthy dose of distance. Also, they are generally relegated to working hours and few and far between. It feels like two co-workers getting along, tired of a few dumbasses.
As I am backing out, I see another chat, a more recent one, with another dude, we’ll call him D, who works in another department she worked a lot with. The chat ends with a hug emoji. I go in and check that chat also.
A few scrolls through the conversation, and it is clear that they have been talking almost daily for months. Scrolling through the conversation I also noticed that there is a lot of small talk, a lot of fairly personal stuff and the cherry on top, the guy is definitely trying something. Not sure if he has a crush, or trying to score, but he is making obvious inappropriate comments like “I will miss talking to you”, “I really like you”, “Can’t wait for us to finally have a beer” etc. I then realize that 80% of the talking she’s been doing in the months she was glued to her phone, is with him. Granted, a lot of the conversation is project related, but there is still an uncomfortable amount of personal stuff. My absolute biggest problem thought, is that her way of dealing with the advances is to ignore them or very jokingly trying to stop them, but there are also a few of her messages saying “I will also miss chatting with you”, her calling him out on flirting, saying it’s not ok cause they are married, but then when he asks what is between them, she responds by saying “I don’t know”. This kind of messes me up, because I have a decent intuition, and my intuition is absolutely not convinced that she is doing enough to keep the conversation appropriate, in fact I feel half of her telling him to get back on track is more playful than anything else.
I swallowed my pride, figured maybe it’s a need for validation, that she still got it, or maybe a small crush that will go away, which I am not too worried about. Fast forward to today, which is about 2 months since I looked at her phone, I did it again, and the conversation is going more or less in the same direction. So now my overthinking mind is all over the place. I am wondering whether this is an assertiveness problem, as my wife is bad at saying no and upsetting people, or maybe this is a small crush that will go a way, or a crush that will lead into something bad.
My brain is working overdrive to find a good way to proceed. I am thinking of telling her about it and having a very open conversation about what is going on. I am not mad about a small crush, but I don’t wanna continue asking myself where this is leading, and if she will be vulnerable if we ever have a rough moment in the future. So far this year if feels like we have gotten closer, if you take this out of the equation, so whatever I do, I want to makes sure not to blow it out of proportion.
So yeah, I’d like some thoughts on this. How would someone else proceed in this situation?
Comments
Come clean about reading the messages.
Buy two copies of “Not Just Friends” and read it together.
This isn’t your wife being bad at telling people no. This is her having an emotional affair…
Approach it extremely carefully. Talk about who she’s spending so much time texting. I’m guessing she won’t bring him up.
If she is completely defensive, then you have to come lean in a careful way. Not accusatory but definitely bring up how it makes you feel
I would bring up seeing these by accident. “You left your phone upstairs and I saw a notification come up from Dean. When I picked it up to see who it was I read a comment that was inappropriate. See what her reaction is
Click click boom. Just kidding. Sometimes talking to your wife about your concerns and expressing how her actions make you feel. Then when she doesn’t stop because she’s already emotionally attached or physically involved let her know that it’s inappropriate, copy and record everything, divorce her and take everything.
I think you do need to get this out in the open. Its a make or break conversation but it needs to happen.
Being honest with her is important, you want her to be honest with you.
Not talking to you about him while talking a lot about the other nonn flirtatious one is a bad sign.
Let her know she’s having an emotional affair at work. Maybe if she needs help saying no she can talk to HR. Or maybe you can.
Make her pick you over him
Updateme
Your wife has a boyfriend. Take screenshot of everything before you confront her.
You should confront her once you have copies of the texts do not confront her with out proof. She is at the very least emotionally cheating on you if not physically cheating
I love how everyone is like be delicate, I wouldn’t, she is having an emotional affair, next steps is a physical affair, not putting up boundaries. This is bullshit.
I would firstly gather the evidence, I would then forward the info to his wife if you can (because fuck him) with comment like this is inappropriate between our spouses, that fucks up the connection as he will attempt to unfuck the situation at home and hate that his game went south. Splits them. Simultaneously I would then sit my wife down and be blunt as fuck.i know you have been an emotional affair, if not physical with (guys name), I have evidence, iv contacted his wife as im not fucking about, love isnt unconditional and this isnt a game of back and forth. Divorce is a very real option as trust in this relationship is shot, I need some time apart (take a week or two) to assess the situation, if you fuck anyone else whilst in this time apart we are done. Then think next steps and figure out what you want, but it’s would go see a lawyer about options.
Be firm, you arent her dad, this isnt a teenage phase, its the possibility of her fucking another dude, stand up to the disrespect.
People need to understand that consequences for shitty actions is a real thing. Its up to her to then agree to fix the relationship, not for you to fix the relationship. If thats what you want
I think I would randomly ask who she’s texting at night. See if she lists D as one of her friends. If she doesn’t then she’s trying to hide him which is an indication that something is up. It does sound like a developing emotional affair. The “I don’t know” response to his question of what is between them is VERY concerning. The hug emoji is also concerning, do they hug IRL? Is there a possibility of deleted texts? I would check for that.
Although most of what you have quoted from the messages seems harmless the volume is VERY questionable along with the fact that she isn’t strongly shutting him down. She’s allowing it because she likes the attention. The question is how far will she be willing to go? If he cuts her off and says that he really wants to have a beer with her, will she go?
I’m amazed you’ve sat on this for two months! This is the kind of relationship that could easily threaten your marriage.
If you casually ask her who she’s texting and she DOESNT mention D, I would immediately ask to see her phone. And I would focus on the most damaging messages.
Good luck
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Two months that you know about this emotional affair and you say nothing? What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for it to become physical and no longer repairable? Bring out the attributes.
First thing to do is gather screenshots because she will likely delete them. Confront her and if that goes nowhere, it would be time to get in contact with his wife.
Ask her why she never said anything about this mysterious dude called D.
Screenshot everything before anything. Let’s see if she deletes some problematical messages after the confrontation.
How many months you gonna let this go on without seeking clarification OP? Dang
Subscribeme
It’s an emotional affair that sounds like hasn’t gone too far yet. I hope you don’t have problems, because this guy will capitalize on it. There’s no harm in bringing it up. What are you waiting for? She shouldn’t be entertaining, and string the guy along in the first place. Open phone policy means you didn’t do anything wrong here. Start the conversation. Updateme
I believe in communication. If your wife and D are such prolific communicators via text, and you have access to her phone, ergo D’s number, I would create a group chat with the three of you and just ask “hey…WTF?!”
Updateme.
I wouldn’t be able to stay as cool as you! I would ask her if she thinks that the conversations are ok? Tell her that you are uncomfortable
Updateme
If you feel confidant that your communication with your wife is solid, why don’t you just ask her about it? Then let her know that you feel uncomfortable with some of her responses. Something like that. Non accusatory or threatening. Defensive walls are hard to talk through.
If it were me, I would get the evidence, make sure it is in my phone. Then I would say, how are you and c doing? In a casual conversation. Let her talk.
Then hit her with. You have not been mentioning him lately?
See what she says, then say. I read, one of the signs of an affair is talking about someone and then shutting down that talk, because the person who is possibly having an affair or starting one, or at least knows they are crossing boundaries try to make the other person disappear. Edit to add, I would also bring up other signs her distancing herself, not trying in the marriage, lack of sex, or interest interest in sex.
Hard to make a marriage work when there are three people involved, don’t you think?
This is when I would get up or walk away without listening to her response. Leaving her with a bit of worry like what do I know and how much. Throwing out words like affair, and not being accusatory makes her really question what you know. This is when you gray rock and one eighty her and emotionally distance yourself. I don’t think it has crossed into full physical affair mode. But it is definitely on its way to an emotional one, if it is not already there.
When she comes to you, and start really asking questions, digging for information. You simply say I know what I know, and you don’t keep it much of a secret at the office. My sources are confidential. This puts a wedge between them at work, because now she thinks the information is coming from someone in the office and you believe she is having an affair. This is when you can ask to read her messages and see how she responds.