Growing up, I maintain that my parents should have not been in a relationship and should not have had me. They are emotionally immature and put their interests above anything else. (Side note: I’m an only child). One of the key areas this was present was on family vacations. My parents would each see/want things their way, would argue, and vacation would suck. I’d have to navigate their emotions and whatever was needed for the trip (ex make sure we get to the plane on time). What I remember from vacations is a lot of crying, yelling, and embarrassment.
Three years ago, I planned a trip with my husband and twin one year olds. I invited my parents including paying most of it and being upfront that we are asking for support with kids during this trip and that this may not be like other trips/at will of babies. My mom understood this mission my dad did not. I wasn’t expecting help but he made things worst. He would sit on a space and help no one but himself. He would go off without telling anyone where or how long, partially to avoid crying kids. He expressed favoritism towards grandkids. He was cranky that we weren’t swimming all day at the beach and dealing with kid emergencies. He complained about tourists. He was angry when I couldn’t help him with hotel WiFi cause I was dealing with two crying kids first. He was rude to me and my mom. It was all in the realm of what travel was like when I was a kid and I was kicking myself for lack of foresight.
I held it together but lost it in the airport pick up area once home. He was wanting someone to unlock a door so he could sit in the car when all other three adults were packing the car and kids. He started cussing and throwing names in public at my mom. I lashed out. I told him could he not see that we were taking care of kids first. I told him he shouldn’t treat my mom that way and to fuck off. We drove home in silence.
Similar to how he treated arguments as a child, he gave me the silent treatment. However, I decided not to engage. He said I owed him an apology. I said he owed me one. We didn’t talk for three months. I tried to make amends and gave up. We didn’t talk for a year. I was so upset that he wasn’t willing to apologize even if he didn’t feel he was wrong one time even though I did all my life. Missing a relationship with his family didn’t bug him. After a year, I decided to be able to be in the same room as him and invite him to big events, but do not interact with him in any other way. I mainly communicate to him through my mom. I also vowed to myself to never travel with him again. For my birthday, instead of saying happy birthday he just said when and where do I meet and that was it.
This year, we planned a trip with my mom to see my mom’s family. I’ve been looking forward to introducing them to my family. The trip requires driving a car to different areas.
My dad has decided to join last minute. He has credit card points and wants to use them to jump on existing plans for a vacation – spending time with family is not part of the decision. He is booking flights on a separate plane. I’m suddenly in a position where I am traveling with my dad even though I didn’t plan too. I don’t recall if I told either of my parents that I vowed not to travel with my dad and even if I did, they would think it’s silly and not consider it.
I don’t know what to do. If I say something at this point, my parents will just laugh and tell my family trying to paint me in a bad light/a joke. I don’t want to cancel plans but this isn’t a fun trip that I envisioned anymore. I feel I have to be quiet and suffer through it and at most tell them after that this is never happening again. I can’t see any value in telling them this is against my wishes.
TLDR I vowed never to travel with my dad again. My dad invited himself on a trip I planned. Do I say something?
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Definitely say something! It’s your trip not his.
Talk to your mom. Let her know that you do not want to interact with him on a trip and be forced to drive around with him after what happened on the last trip. Let her know you want to go on this trip with her but it’s too stressful to add him last minute when that wasn’t the plan and if he comes he will need his own car for the trip and not travel with you(assuming you are getting your own car on this trip).
Your dad’s age.
Cancel. Don’t invite your mother either. They are both self centered selfish people. I’d go no contact with them. Don’t worry they’ll be back when they need you to take care of them eventually.
Tell him he’s not invited to join you or travel alongside you, but he can take his trip separately.
Meaning, you’re not driving him anywhere or spending any time with him alone.
If he takes this trip, he’s entirely self-sufficient.
What part of the trip would you theoretically be around your dad?
Your relationship with both of your parents is unhealthy, and this is something you’re exposing your children to.
You vowed never to do something, and you’re just gonna do it because the alternative seems more difficult? Then, that vow meant nothing, which your parents seem well aware of, which is why they ignore it, as I would assume they ignore many things that you say.
You need to decide what kind of life you wanna live, and what kind of examples you wanna give your children; just because some things are hard to do, doesn’t mean they’re not worth doing, but of course, it doesn’t mean there will be no consequences.
You’re talking about this trip like it matters do much – respectfully, it does not, not in the grand scheme of your toxic back and forth with your parents, it’s just easier to focus on than the entirety of your relationship. You can choose to stand your ground or let your parents steamroll you, as they have before and as they’ll do again – but at least acknowledge how that might affect your children, how they view you, your parents, your relationship, and relationships in general; are you perhaps teaching them that it’s ok not to have boundaries with people, including one’s parents? That to do what’s easier is preferable than standing up to what they actually want and believe in?
I get that your relationship with your parents isn’t a simple thing, but don’t let that dictate how you parent – what’s more important here, keeping two unpleasant people who mock you happy, or making sure you give good, healthy examples to your children?
The choice is yours to make, just don’t pretend like you’re not making them.
With respect because this is always difficult, you’re talking about his emotional immature while not feeling sufficiently emotionally independent to create boundaries with him.
If you don’t create them, they’ll never exist. Posts like this are just an exercise in description of current circumstances until you’re ready to take action to change the balance of your relationship with him.
It’s pretty obvious your dad has a habit of putting himself first and this trip will probably just add more stress rather than being any kind of positive experience for you or your family.
For sure. You are almost 40 and you are still suffering like you did at 14. That is not fair and you don’t need to suffer it. He knows you didn’t want him there. Thatz why he did this. If you had invited him he would have said no and blamed it on you.
He’s a misanthrope. Suffer him no longer.
I suggest you come up with new dates,new flights and a new itinerary but say nothing to him. Make sure your new dates are after the old ones so he will be on the plane to Grumbletown while you guys are planning your new mission. That mission would be a peaceful,drama free vacation.
glgf
Honestly, I’d cancel. I’d take this opportunity to make a big gesture out of cancelling and I’d make sure everyone knows it’s because he decided to come. Go ahead and make it clear for now and always that you won’t travel with him. Not that you don’t want to, but you will not. He won’t change, so if you want things to be different you will have to make them different. Don’t expose your kids to this behavior. They don’t deserve it. You weren’t protected, but you can protect them.
I don’t understand why telling your dad, “No, you’re not invited,” when he invited himself wasn’t possible. Communication isn’t some weird thing, you’re allowed to speak up.
“Hey dad, have fun on your solo trip. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to join us.”
I’m sorry, are you not an adult?
Please read the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’.
It will help.
He sounds like a miserable ogre. Just tell him he isn’t, wasn’t, and never will be invited.