My (37f) husband (39m) thinks that I’m being a bad wife if I don’t agree to some form of sex basically every other day and tells me it’s the reason he is so mad all the time.
We have been married for 13 years, 2 kids, and both work full time. However, he has a “stressful job” and therefore expects me to do most of the house work and child rearing.
I am also responsible for most of all our bills including the mortgage. I have tired many times over to tell him I need an equal partnership and his excuse is his job and needing decompression time. He says that when he has sex he is in a better mood and makes better decisions at work. He says it’s science backed and sends me TikTok’s and screenshots all the time.
However, I am exhausted. At the end of the day I’ve taken the kids to school, worked, picked up the house, after school activities, dinner, bath time, bed time all while he gets off work and sits in his man cave. I don’t have the energy or the desire to have sex with him.
How can I explain to him that he can cry about sex all he wants but I can’t do everything all the time and want to be sexual with him? I’ve tired but we just end up in yelling matches and I honestly don’t know how else to explain it to him. Like he honestly thinks sex should be every other day and like dude… I can’t.
Any advice or explanation in “man language” would be super helpful.
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Tell him he can’t cherry pick TikTok manosphere bullshit when it’s convenient for him and ignore it otherwise.
Men and women need different things, that is true. And while a lot of men might see sex as a way to decompress and reconnect, women see decompressing and reconnection as a prerequisite. So a lot of heterosexual relationships get into this downward spiral where nobody’s needs are being met and nobody is reconnecting in any way.
The thing is your husband is trash. You know that, right? He has a stressful job, great. So do you. You could have the easiest part time job in the world and I’d still argue that your job is as hard or harder than his because you work on top of doing everything else.
Tell him you’ll fuck him every other day when he provides for your needs the day prior to that. Of course, hell will freeze over before this man thinks your needs are of equal priority to his.
Draw boundaries, girl. You don’t owe anyone sex. And his job performance isn’t your responsibility. Don’t let him entangle you like that. Gross.
He needs sex to be better at his work, according to him. You need him to contribute to the house and kids, like a father and partner should, in order for you to be in the mood and have the energy/desire for sex. Two can play his game. He sounds like a selfish dick though.
UPDATEME
Yeah no.
Look it’s up to you how you deal with this. He is showing you he doesn’t respect your autonomy, your wishes, or your consent.
What you do with that is up to you. You could try writing down everything you do and the amount of time it takes up and say that needs to be 50/50 before you even think of pleasuring him moving forward.
You could try couples counselling to try and get there.
However if my husband treated me like this I don’t think I could think of being intimate with him again.
Now that’s my personal view. I’m demisexual so I need a lot of emotional connection to be physically intimate. And my husband has a pretty high sex drive. But if I’ve got my period, or a migraine, or I’m tired or heck I just don’t want to for whatever reason and he asks and I say no. Then he says ok, and that’s it. He doesn’t press me or ask ahin. Doesn’t matter if it’s been a day or a week or whatever. Because he respects my wishes and my autonomy. That’s the bare minimum in my book.
For a man that gives you nothing and lacks comprehension, he’s expecting a lot.
Gross. This is just gross. There’s no “man language” that will fix this. I know it’s easy for us to say leave him, but is there really any benefit to you to stay? It sounds like you already do everything and then you have to fight with him every other day because you don’t want to be intimate with someone who acts like a giant toddler. You can’t change him, but you can change what you’re willing to put up with.
Compromise, have him handle the kids every other day and once he does it for 2 solid weeks handle him every other day. He 100% doesn’t see you as a partner and isn’t interested in an equal partnership.
If that doesn’t work, divorce him. My ex expected me to handle all the housework, kids, bills, etc, while also working full time and commuting. We owned a business together and I worked a corporate job. When we separated and he moved out I was worried I would never be able to keep up with everything around the house. Turns out, I was right, he really wasn’t doing anything around the house. The only thing I had to start doing was taking the trash cans to the street. I actually had lots of free time because I wasn’t picking up after him. The peace I’ve found after divorce was worth going through it.
Sit him down and start with the next to last paragraph after the word, however. It’s perfectly worded. But you need to make a decision on what you will do when he’s unwilling to stop using his job as an excuse to not be an equal partner or a parent. And how will you address it when he promises change, makes a few changes for a week and then goes right back to be a pampered privileged prince.
Sounds to me like divorcing him would be your smartest financial and mental health move.
His singleminded focus on his sexual needs and complete lack of regard for you as a person is appalling. It’s also really cohersive for him to be sending you those TikTok’s to try to guilt / manipulate you into giving into his sexual demands so that he does the bare minimum as an adult and a father. Where is your time to decompress while he scrolls tiktok?
What is he actually adding to your life? It sounds like you don’t need him at ALL. You deserve better
i am always perplexed as to how people end up in these situations for years….with kids??? i could literally never put up with this and i dont understand how anyone willingly partners up with these kind of men
Oh god, may this type of relationship never find me
What is he adding to your life ? 🤔
Eww. That’s all I can say because it made my skin crawl. Your husband isn’t owed sex. He isn’t owed any part of your body you don’t want to give him.
Tell him no and that he needs to think of others before himself before he loses all access completely
Dump him.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
That’s all, thank you.
No, wait. I has a little more:
Yuk.
I hate your husband.
Why is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with? What good does he actually bring you? If you have to convince a man that the way he’s acting isn’t okay why be with him?
It is time to decide if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like. You have been married to this man for 13 years so it is unlikely that he is going to have a road to Damascus moment and suddenly get his shit together to be the husband and father your family deserves.
You are paying the bills. You are paying for a roof over his head. You clear up after his lazy ass and he has the absolute AUDACITY to demand sexual favours from you.
Don’t waste the rest of your life with this loser. There are far better men out there who will play and equal and active role. Honestly, even being alone is better than being tied to this bumping weight.
Sounds like the life of a slave
“No” is sufficient explanation.
Your first problem is feeling you need to say anything more.
You tell him by serving him with divorce papers the next time he tries to make moves on you, holy shit.
His job is not more stressful than yours. They’re both jobs. Sounds like he wants you to think his is more stressful but in reality most jobs aren’t any fun. Housework is EVERYONE’S job in the house and taking care of children should also be a shared responsibility.
Start looking up what paper work you need for a divorce and file it yourself, ask for your kids 50-75% of the time so you can actually have a few days off every now and again.. and also not have to deal with coming home to a man baby who thinks he’s entitled to sex after contributing practically nothing every night.
Ew, I wouldn’t be able to have sex with someone that didn’t help out with his kids and household
You know boundaries are a good thing right? You can say no at any time!
Wow. He wants his cake and then some. He’s doesn’t do his part as a father, husband or partner. He wants you to “service” him so he’s in a better mood??? Wtaf. There is not one ounce of consideration to anything for anyone else. You are a single married woman with an extra man child.
Stop enabling his selfish crap. And it is selfish crap. Stop doing things for him, cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes. Anything. Get a cleaner to give u breathing space. He does not value you except what u could do for him.
Get rid of the man child n see how much simpler ur life will be as tbh, u are doing everything for u n ur kids already. U cook, feed, school runs, bath, bed, work, pay the bills. Hes just causing u stress. And actually, what does he bring to the table? A relationship is supposed to be supporting one another. It’s all one sided.
Good luck x
Uhhhhhh no sex shouldn’t have a quota ffs
I hate men like this.
Idk why you’re still calling him your husband instead of “ex”
Your husband has mistaken you for a fleshlight, or perhaps a concubine. He has 2 hands, doesn’t he?
ETA: Your husband knows exactly how you feel, and DGAF. He expects you to be his BangMaid AND you pay the bills. What do you get out of this? Why not kick him to the curb? He’s not adding a damned thing. You can pay for someone to clean the house every other week, and when he’s gone it won’t get anywhere near as dirty.
You can’t make someone respect you. Respect isn’t something you can teach or convince someone to feel. They either respect you or they don’t. You can have conversations, set boundaries, try therapy, but if someone fundamentally doesn’t see you as their equal, no amount of explaining will ever change that.
Your communication isnt the problem here. Is there a sane (!) woman or man in his life that he respects so he can mirror his request and get told by that he’s an absolute ass? Or just show him these responses if no one springs to mind.
To be fair, your life sounds a lot easier without him and one of you will realize that before the other does.
You know you are not anyones property and your body is still your own? Just checking.
I will repeat it again: you are not the problem here.
Wow. Some men really are pigs.
Every single day I’m reminded why being a lesbian has saved me years of suffering with a man.
He doesn’t need “man language” he needs little boy talk because your husband sounds like a child.
Here is my manly answer.
You have a terrible partner. Respectful mature men realize that nobody is owed sex, even though we realize it can be good for a relationship. We also realize that we if we treat our women well, and take things off their plate they’ll be more likely to want to have sex.
You’d have more energy for “fun time” if you did less work so he should help you have more energy by doing more around the house. It seems simple to me, but a lot of men don’t get it despite how simple it is.
You probably can’t explain to him in a way he’d understand. If he was in his late teens or early 20’s maybe I could say he’s young, and he might grow out of it.
However, he’s almost 40, and still has this entitled attitude so probably he’s not going to change his mindset on his own, and he’s definitely not going to listen to you.
Maybe a neutral party might help him understand.
PS: Did he hide being a jerk for years, or has he always been this way and you ignored it? <–He’s still wrong.
In man languange, tell him he has two hands in case his regular hand gets tired.
Umm yeah, no. Divorce him.
He has to do more around the house and help out more with family duties in order for you to even feel sexually attracted to him. Otherwise he’s just a man hiding away from his family and all his responsibilities because “work is so stressful” but doesn’t help you with anything else. How could you feel sexually into him? He doesn’t do shit. Certainly isn’t a partner to you nor does he care that there’s no equality in your roles.
This is a husband that needs therapy and should probably not be married
Wow. See, I would rather be single the rest of my life than be in a marriage like yours.
You work full time, you pay all the bills, you take care of the kids & house, and he’s demanding sexual pleasure everyday from you even if you don’t want to which means he views your body as his, and it’s only holes.
Girl. What the actual f are you doing? The bar is in literal hell as the kids today say. Don’t be telling me you’re staying for the kids sake because if so, you are doing your kids a disservice. You are showing them what you have is a marriage, that his actions is how you treat a woman, and the woman just takes it.
Your post shouldn’t be asking if you should be upset he wants you to be his sexual servant. It should be asking what are the steps you need to leave. Your first step? Call a divorce attorney and get all your ducks lined up. Don’t be telling him you’re doing it.
This is my exhusband…why he is an ex. All I’ll say. A boy like that does not respect his wife in the position of his marriage. End of story. He will never see you as an equal or his partner. Run hun…13yrs of this? No thank you! Know your worth and your place in ANY relationship. Either go to counseling or divorce this man pronto!!! Sorry a mentality like that takes many years of counseling to undo! Is it worth it to you?
Yea he sucks. I’m sorry. I want to tell you that he needs to do half of everything. Especially pay the mortgage and other bills, to start. But I know that’s an uphill battle. You should probably discuss whether you want to keep living like this or breaking up. And if he wants to stay together then he needs to put in way more.
What does this fleshbag bring to your life? It sounds like he is a leech.
Horrible relationship
“Science backed”
“Tiktok”
Lmao
He’s a disgusting asshole.
He is not entitled to anything despite what some people would believe. Have an honest discussion with him and suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses neither of those things divorce him and take him for everything he’s got. Because in the end you don’t need to be with somebody who thinks they poses you like a object.
your husband sounds like a misogynistic bum. Sorry to be so harsh, stop cleaning stop cooking. See how he likes it. show him how much you do by not doing it anymore.
You’ll never be able to explain in a way he can understand because he doesn’t want to hear you. My ex was very similar, I did everything, he did nothing but “worked harder”, he expected that I should want to have sex with him. I tried talking to him until I was blue in the face about what he needed to do if he wanted me to be I the mood, it fell on deaf ears.
I bet your needs are never prioritized during sex either. That’s typical for these red pilled freaks.
There’s no magical way to make him understand because he gets it. He understands. He just doesn’t care.
Tell him when he helps you it’s like foreplay! Watching your spouse pitch in shows you he cares. Good luck Op🙏🏻🫶🫂
It doesn’t matter how you explain it to him, because he isn’t stupid – he just doesn’t care. He’s buying his leisure time with your labour and he doesn’t want to change that. It suits him just fine.
What does that tell you?
It tells me that he doesn’t care about you.
You’re not equal partners.
He is happy for you to run yourself ragged doing everything for everyone as long as he doesn’t have to. And THEN, he has the audacity to demand that you service him sexually as well, even when you don’t want to, and are exhausted from all you are doing?
If his job is so stressful that he can’t do anything else, why does he still do it? It’s obviously not because it’s supporting the family. If you are paying most of the bills on top of doing everything, what on earth do you keep him around for?
He is a lazy, selfish deadbeat, and this will never change. How long will you waste your life in servitude for someone that clearly doesn’t think you’re a real person, doesn’t love you, and only sees you as a household appliance?
Please look up Zawn (Liberating Motherhood) on Facebook or Substack. She covers these topics very comprehensively. Read her work – it’s a real eye-opener. Take care of yourself x
He’s making you into a bangmaid. I’d threaten divorce, no lies.
Find a better husband/partner. He’s so “me, me, me”. When it comes to you- all excuses. If you are paying all the bills, the mortgage & doing all the housework & child rearing— WHAT IS HE DOING?! Why would he need such stressful job if it pays nothing?! This isn’t a partnership- this is crazy
No one is entitled to sex with you, ever!! No exceptions. I would not be in a relationship with this absolutely selfish man. Sex “helping a man make better decisions at work” is utter horseshit too. If you stay in the relationship, draw boundaries and stick to them, and make him help out more with the children that he helped create.
>>>He says it’s science backed and sends me TikTok’s and screenshots all the time
LOL
send him articles about walk away wife syndrome
my husband understands a stressed wife isnt a sexy wife and I’m sorry yours can’t
Does he not know the best turn-on for a married woman is someone who eases her burden. When my husband fixes things, helps with the housework, cooks a meal, or takes our child out so I can have “me” time, I say “You are getting lucky tonight” ,bc I feel ree-energized. Instead, it sounds like your husband wants a nanny, maid, financial manager, and prostitute – an all in one special, for free.
I don’t care what Tik Toks are saying. They are not you, and you are telling him you are not a performing seal. Maybe you should make a Tik Tok and show it to him.
I am sorry, but your spouse sounds heartless, and his selfishness is up to him to fix, not you. You know you have other options. One where you get to take the sex demand off your list.
Great idea
Girl… I read that one post you did 3 years back. So on top of being a lazy useless sexpest he cheats with girls online, cheats on you with them in person and lies about it, gambles away his paycheck, and insults your appearance regularly. WHAT on gods green earth is keeping you with this man???? He doesn’t even seems to contribute that much financially? I can only think maybe you are staying “for the kids” but I can almost guarantee you your kids secretly want you to get divorced. You are a bad example to your children of what to expect in a relationship by staying with him.
So you do all the housework, childcare, cover the bills and work full time? What does he contribute? Yet he still expects sex and you are still with him?
You are married single mother. Leave him, you will find your life significantly more relaxing.
Also if you are staying with him ‘because of the kids’. This isn’t a healthy family dynamic for them to see either.
Stop wasting your breath, start looking for divorce lawyers. There seems to be zero benefit to being with someone who so clearly doesn’t give a crap about your feelings and undervalue what you contribute.
He demands some form of sex on the daily, doesn’t care about you and how you feel, and is sexting other women. Gee I can’t imagine why you don’t want to have sex with him. He seems like such a good and loving man. 🙄 You deserve so much better than this.
Look, I get construction is hard work/stressful. My husband has done it since 18- we are mid 50s. He does road construction which is wicked hard. On top of it- he drives at least an hour & half each way. 6 days a week (working 16-18hr days min). He still helps around the yard. Takes the trash out. We are raising our granddaughter- he helps w her and our puppy. I couldn’t imagine him putting it all on me (and I stay at home). But to think he is owed sex?! After failing to be any type of partner?’ Girl. Wake up. This isn’t a partnership, this is a problem.
Leave that man.
I don’t think there’s anything to explain. If you don’t want to, don’t do it. If he gets angry, let him. Tell him to go jack off. Buy him a fleshlight. You’re not an appliance that can be turned on on demand.
He knows he’s not pulling his own weight, he just doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care if he’s fucking a woman who has no desire for him. He’s only concerned with getting his wants met, to your detriment.
What does this man bring to your life? Is there a reason you’re keeping him around?
He should do the same for you…
Tell him to have a wank and reconfigure the finances and workload. If he doesn’t like his job he should get another one.
Why did you marry this man???
Oh no, I’m sorry to hear he treats you that way. The official term over heard it called is: sex pest.
Most people know that kind of behavior isn’t okay but it doesn’t stop low integrity, manipulative people from trying. The only way it stops is to not tolerate it, even if it means walking away. People like that don’t really change, they just kind of…. Wait until the opportunity arises again – my experience, at least.
I hope you can find some relief from the situation.
There’s no man language that you can give to him. He expects sex from you, and you’ve been his doormat for too long. I’ve been with my partner for 19 years, we have two kids, and he never expects or demands it from me. He knows how to take care of himself. We still have sex but he respects me enough not to force it. File for separation, he needs to wake up, and so do you.
Let your divorce lawyer explain it to him.
cmon just lie down and relax
and let him do the hard work
while not getting a sleep
its not rocket science
Get therapy. Maybe you’ll learn some self respect….
He’s fucking disgusting. Honestly id make him put his dick where his mouth is and say “ok i will have sex w u everyday this week that u make dinner, bathe the kids, do bedtime routine, after school activites, and pick up the house” its that simple
Try having a tradeoff conversation. Assuming you are open to every-other-day sex, have a discussion about what it will take to make this happen.
Let’s assume sex days are Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday on your first week. Be fully prepared to discuss with husband, prior to the start of that week, what tasks will need to go undone or passed along to your husband so that you can have a relaxed mindset for every-other-day sex.
You may be shocked at what your husband is willing to let go of or take on himself in order to get sex. Be prepared. I have seen this sort of arrangement work. Many guys will up their domestic game to feel the closeness, vulnerability, and love of their wife via intimacy.