TLDR: My boyfriend of about 4 months insisted on helping me move during an incredibly stressful time and then completely bailed on me. I am unsure if I can continue to see him.
I’ve had a rough few weeks. I recently found out that I had to move, work has been very busy, and then to top it off my father has been in the ICU in critical condition for the last 3 weeks. It has been one of the most stressful times of my life. I (38F) have been dating my boyfriend (36M) for about 4 months. He has been very supportive during this time. He calls me every night, checks in on how my dad is doing and also on me. I have been very happy to have him during this whole ordeal.
Over the last few weeks he has told me that he is so sorry that I’m going through such a rough time and he wishes that there was something he could do to help me. He has offered to come out to where my parents live (about an hour away from where we live) to be here to support me, but he has a very demanding job and also he has not met my family yet and I don’t feel like that is fair to ask of him. I want him to meet them under better circumstances and not when our family is in an intense crisis. He has helped by taking me out a few times when I’ve briefly gone back home- having a nice break from the intense emotions going on. I have been trying to be strong and remain positive when we speak and have been holding it together but about two weeks ago when we were together I did cry (2 minutes maximum) and he held me and comforted me. I was grateful for him and have been impressed by how he has shown up for me.
On these calls and dates he brought up multiple times that he wanted to help me with my move. He discussed logistics, supplies that he could get, etc. At one point he even offered to just hire a moving service for me that would handle everything- a generous offer that I declined. I did not ask him for help and had no expectation of him doing anything for my move as I view it as my responsibility and I do have a difficult time accepting help. However, he insisted and I also realized that I was so overwhelmed that his help would be very welcome so I accepted.
On Thursday we went out, discussed the move over dinner and then again when saying goodbye. I even joked that he was going to be my Internet setup guy. All seemed good. Then we spoke late Friday night. Towards the end of the call, I asked him what time he was available the next day, he said “After 5pm” and then just mentioned us getting dinner. I was confused but again, demanding job so I assumed he was doing work and was planning to just help in the evening. Saturday evening rolled around, it was 6pm and I had been working on the move all day. I was dirty and exhausted and was genuinely ready to take a break, shower, and maybe grab a low key bite to eat and just relax for a bit. I hadn’t heard from him at all that day so I called. The phone connection was bad but I could tell that he was being super cagey- he was grocery shopping, had chores to do, work to do that night. Did I want to meet somewhere in the middle? Just very obviously trying to get out of our plans. I again was confused and surprised bc we had made plans but I was too tired and had too many things to do to try and get to the bottom of it. I just ended up saying if you’re not free tonight then let’s not do anything. He immediately agreed, said he would call me later that night and we hung up. I continued working on my move and he never called me.
The next day was Sunday and I continued with my move. He did not text me at all until around 9pm saying he would call around 9:30pm. 9:30 rolled around, no call. A little after 10pm he texted asking if I was free to call or still busy moving. I was so angry that I did not text him back. He never called.
Today I have heard nothing from him. No texts. No calls. I texted him asking what is going on and have heard nothing back. I am in shock. I never expected him to behave like this. Prior to this he always was very kind and caring towards me. It’s so sudden and abrupt. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I don’t think I can get past this. It feels like such a breach of trust during an incredibly vulnerable time. I feel like I have learned just how little he actually cares for me and that at least when it comes to me, he has no follow through and his word means nothing.
I’m not sure where to go from here but I don’t know if I can continue.
Comments
You deserve better. Not just someone who is willing to help you through trauma. Trauma bonding only lasts so long.
Let him exit your life. He’s telling you everything you need to know
It’s only been 4 months. You’re supposed to be in that fluffy feelings stage where you’re all giddy and working out if you have deeper feelings. Instead, you’re in this expectations stage where neither of you know what’s going on because you’re not communicating very well. You can’t give this a real chance while you’re so stressed and he’s so busy. You both need to shift your focus and priorities, then you’ll see improvements.
It’s only been a few months. Get over it and on with your own life. Don’t bother contacting him again and don’t bother responding if he reaches out
You honestly don’t have the time and bandwidth for this type of bullshit.Don’t bother responding if he reaches out, you know it will be some “oh I didn’t realize” and “oh you should have said”. He did realize, y’all talked about it at length. He simply decided actions were too much trouble and he figured he could trade some words of contrition later on for that missing action. Please do not.