TL;DR- my husband has created a weird situation for me and made my sister uncomfortable. Pretty sure he was falling for her.
A little info to start- we have 3 kids, youngest being 6 weeks old and oldest being 6 years. He’s a fantastic dad and we’ve been together for 7.5 years.
In September of last year, my husband told me that he was feeling guilty because he enjoyed spending time with my younger sister and felt that he should be feeling that way about me. At the time I didn’t think anything of it because I know her and she’d never let anything happen. He’s the type who hates sitting at home “doing nothing” so when he wanted to go to the mall or take the kids to D&B while I was working, I’d tell him to ask her, as she likes being out and about and loves her nieces.
Eventually it got too much for my sister and she was getting vibes from him that he was starting to like her, and honestly, I can see how it came across that way. He was texting her all the time, sending memes, sharing TikTok’s, planning the next time they’d take the kids somewhere. It got to the point where she had to tell him to stop messaging her and she was uncomfortable. She didn’t out it nicely- just straight and to the point. Husband was SO hurt by this… yet kept claiming he was fine but I could tell he wasn’t. Eventually he admitted that it really hurt his feelings because he thought she cared more and he couldn’t understand how she just said that and then didn’t talk to him again.
There were two instances in the month following the message that hurt him so badly, where he had panic attacks when he would see her…
Over time I told him to just leave her alone several different times, but he’d still text her. Sometimes it was apologizing and telling her that he wished things were “normal again” and other times it was a stupid TikTok to see if she’d respond, which she never did. It got to the point that I told him enough was enough, he was not allowed to text her anymore. But he’d still do it and he’d delete the texts. My sister would always tell me when he texted her and what was said.
In November I found a note on him phone and it was full of things that made my stomach drop. Asking himself if he was in love with her, saying he wishes he could see her outside of family dinners, wanting to be the one to ask her how her day was and make it better if it went bad. He ended the note by saying why do I care so much about a person who doesn’t care about me that I’m ruining my own life over it?
Fast forward 8 months from the start of it all- over this time he has continued to randomly message her even after several conversations. No matter what I say, he goes against it. So I sat him down and told him it was time to tell me the truth because he wouldn’t still be so upset by her words IF there wasn’t more to it. He admitted to having feelings for her and told me he kept it from me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
I am currently 6 weeks postpartum and lost. I feel emotionally disconnected, I’ve pictured what life would be like if I left, but also if I stayed. I am in therapy, and she suggested couples counseling. I’m not against it at all, but right now I just don’t even know what to expect going forward.