For context, my wife and I have been together for 15 years, and we are quite happy with 2 kids. Her dad passed unexpectedly, leaving a hoarder house with a significant rat infestation. I got it emptied and we sold the place. He had a 12 year old dog that could hardly walk due to inactivity and poor diet, dog looked near death. Dog came home with us, started eating well, and bounced back.
The dog is now 15, and has not ceased being the center of my wifes focus. We can, and have hardly left our city these years, because she will not let the dog be watched by anyone other than her mom (long divorced from her dad). Dog sleeps 20+ hours per day, and only engages with my wife or with food, is covered in oozing warts, requires specialized grooming, but seems happy enough.
We are at a point in our lives when we could travel and do fun stuff with our kids, I want to take them on adventures and build memories, but my requests for trips are met with “I’m worried the dog will be stressed” and things like that.
I love my wife more than all heck, but it feels like she prioritizes the dog over our kids, and it makes me feel trapped. She currently gets occasionally counseling. I have tried talking to her about it but it is triggering related to the trauma.
Is there anything to do other than wait for the dog to die?
Thanks y’all.
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YOU take your kids on adventures, she can stay and watch the dog.
Don’t you think this could be as much about losing her dad as it is the dog? Taking care of the dog is the very last thing she can do for her dad? And the dog is the last living connection she has with him? Sounds like there is a lot of unprocessed grief here.
It’s very likely that he’s sublimating her feelings of grief about her father on to his dog.
Has she ever done grief counselling or therapy? Does she have any regrets surrounding her father’s death that she may be trying to atone for?
I think your wife needs therapy, I really feel for her. The dog is her last connection to her father. You said the dog is 15 now I don’t think he is long for this world. Do little memory building with your kids. And your wife. It’s got to really hurt
OP, you wrote in the comments:
> She didn’t expect the dog to live so long and feels I resent the dog for keeping our family from having experiences, which is true.
Except that’s not true. Your dog isn’t keeping your family from making experiences. The dog would survive with a dogsitter or, honestly, probably alone for an afternoon while you are taking the kids to the aquarium.
The two people who are keeping your family from making experiences are you and your wife.
You, because you are perfectly capable when it comes to taking your kids to local things like an aquarium yourself. Your wife is an adult and able to make her own decisions when it comes to accompanying you or staying at home with the dog. And you are an adult and able to do things without her – and, quite frankly, you should do that regardless of the dog. As much as it is important to have family-experiences, I think it is also really rewarding and bonding for a parent to have father-kids-time or mother-kids-time where the other parent is not present. There is no reason for you to feel guilty; again, your wife is able to make her own decisions and is free to accompany you and the kids if she wants to. If she decides not to, then that’s her choice. It’s not your choice if she stays behind, thus you don’t have to feel guilty.
That said, as someone who lost her mother in 2021 and who is still not over her death, I can relate to your wife and all she may feel when it comes to the dog. It’s the last, living connection to her father; taking care of the dog is something she can still “do” for him; she would feel like she would let her father down if she wouldn’t do everything for the dog; the dog might distract her from her grief; the dog might help with her grief because he is a “family member” who knew her dad so that she isn’t alone in her pain… this might not be all negative (like unprocessed grief), but she may actually get (objectively) good things out of taking care of the dog because he might feel like a family member to her…
But yes, of course she is not taking care of the dog like a normal person takes care of a dog, which includes leaving the dog at home alone for a few hours or hiring a dogsitter. And, quite frankly, this is also not good for the dog, who will surely develop anxiety if she “dares” to leave now since he’s not used to being left alone – which would then reinforce your wife’s belief that she needs to stay with the dog. So honestly, this is already very likely very shitty.
So what I recommend is couples counselling and you taking your kids to the aquarium.
I think this sounds like it could be complex grief and she would benefit from a therapist to help her process her unresolved issues in her relationship with her father and his death. She has transferred all those feelings and thoughts to this poor animal who sounds like his quality of life is pretty poor.
She should deal with this grief before the dog dies because she may deteriorate and not be able to cope with the dual and complex grief.
I also recommend to please! organise trips and adventures for you and your kids. I’d also encourage at least one or two couples counselling sessions regarding this issue as it would likely build resentment. She may also blame you later on for excluding her which is ridiculous but passive aggressive. Sometimes our brains automatically rewrite memories to justify emotions such as exclusion or betrayal.
Enjoy the trips! Your kids will love it and your wife may enjoy solo time with her Dad’s dog.