I (39f) met my boyfriend, “Tim” (49m) about 4 months ago. Everything has been wonderful between us. He’s funny, kind, supportive, easy to talk to, a great communicator, and much, much more.
He has a wonderful social group and many, many friends who I have met as we have been dating. One of those friends is a female friend he has had for 4-5 years who we will call “Debbie” (~45f).
Tim let me know early on that there is potentially a bit of unrequited love from Debbie toward him, but also said that she is socially awkward and does not have a lot of friends. They are pretty close; she is definitely one of his closest friends that live near us. She watches his dog whenever he needs a dog sitter. She texts him daily, usually memes about his favorite football team or just general questions about how he is doing; never anything inappropriate or that crosses any sort of boundaries for me. They are also the sort of friends that show up to help each other when the other one needs something (e.g., picking each other up from the airport, helping with two person house projects). He would now call me for these types of things but she still calls him for these things, which is completely okay with me. I do not feel jealous of her or feel any sort of concerns about his interactions with her at all.
The first time I met her, was over lunch. She joined Tim and me at a bar near our house. She had just received good news about her job and spent most of the time speaking to Tim about that update so we didn’t get to talk much. Tim kept bringing me into the conversation but i didn’t really didn’t get to speak to her or get to know her much.
The second time I met her, she came over Tim’s house for a small gathering consisting of 2 other people, Tim, and myself. When she got there she started to come in and then said she had a bad day and said she didn’t want to be with people. To me, it seemed like when she saw me she suddenly became uncomfortable about coming in, which I felt bad about, since
I wanted her to feel comfortable around me, given that she is an important part of Tim’s life. Tim spent a few seconds encouraging her to come in and then I came out and also asked her to come in and have a drink with us and she did. We were all hanging out in the living room, but she stayed in the dining room, which is attached but was not really with the rest of us. I intentially sat with the two other people who were there instead of sitting with Tim yeah, just in case she was feeling uncomfortable. She still refused to really join us. Tim kept asking her to come in and sit with us. After about 10-15 minutes she did come into the room with the rest of us, but she sat on the floor instead of on the couches with the rest of us. I brought her a drink while she was sitting on the floor and sort of squatted down next to her when I gave it to her and said something like i’m sorry you had a bad day but even though we don’t know each other yet, I am here if you ever need or want to talk. She used two fingers to kind of push/poke me in my shoulder and responded very sharply with something along the lines of “I don’t know you like that so no I’m not going to talk to you.” I said ok and got up and sat next to Tim anyway since she was being rude and had physical touched me. I decided that my efforts were kind of wasted there. She left a few minutes later.
After the situation, Tim offered to esemtiallu remove her from his life if it would make me more comfortable. It was (is) a new relationship and I decided that everyone should get one free hall pass, and can make one mistake and have one bad day… I told him she seemed like she needed friends and that I didn’t want him to cut her out of his life, but did say I was uncomfortable with the interaction (obviously). Tim spoke to her about what happened and the next time I saw her she apologized to me for the situation and explained that she was having a really bad day due to some things going on in her personal life.
Since then I have seen her 2 other times and she was friendly and nice, albeit somewhat socially awkward. The last time I saw her was about a month ago and we started talking about her hobbies… She mentioned that she wanted to learn how to crochet. I told her that I have been crocheting since I was a kid and offered to help her if she ever wanted. She asked me if I was making anything at the time, and I let her know that I was making a blanket for Tim because he had told me that no one had ever made him something like that before. I let her know I was really excited about it because I wanted see his reaction when he got that kind of gift.
This brings us to the reason for my post. Today, Debbie knocked on Tim’s door unexpectedly. I answered the door. (For the record, she had texted him 15 minutes before arriving, letting him know that he was she was going to come over and bring a surprise, but he didn’t see the text before she got there). When I opened the door she told me she had a surprise for Tim. The surprise was a crocheted blanket she had made him. The weirdest part was that it was baby blanket sized, so it was completely useless for him. Nonetheless, I was completely shocked because she knew that I was actively making a blanket for him and why I was excited to give it to him… It feels like she rushed out to make a blanket for him just in order to beat me to the gift that I was going to give him.
At one point, he said to her “I didn’t know that this was in your skilled repertoire. How long have you been crocheting?” She responded by saying that she just started and it was the second thing that she had ever made, but the first thing was really bad. After hanging out with us for half an hour or so and continuing to talk about her crocheting, she said that when she was making it and had to figure it out who she was going to give it to “because once you start crocheting, you have too much crocheted stuff in your house and have to figure out who to start gifting things to” (which is exactly what I told her when we were speaking about our hobbies and obviously doesn’t make sense if it’s only the second thing she’s ever made).
Now it feels like if I give him my blanket, it will look like I made it in response to her making him a blanket, even though I started it first. I’m not sure how to address the situation without seeming petty or like I’m making drama out of a gift she gave him.
Any advice on how to navigate this would be very much appreciated.
Comments
Explain to him everything u have said in this post
And if u have already started making the blanket show him
Show him the recipets from when u bought the materials and ur browsing history as it will show the date u started to learn how to make a blanket
Then finally ask him to cut her off as she’s clearly trying to make you look bad
She’s definitely threatened by you, doesn’t like you and is trying to undermine you.
Tim needs to drastically cut back time with her if not cut her completely off.
You can feel bad for someone not having friends and try to be that friend but at the end of the day she is a 45 year old woman. She is showing you why she has no friends.
Edit to add: and show Tim this post, the blanket you have been working on, any supporting information and then he can see who she really is.
This is the time to share everything with Tim and revisit the cutting her out convo. She’s gonna be boiling rabbits next 😬
First of all OP, I think you’ve handled all the interactions so far with emotional maturity and grace. She does sound like a woman who needs support, but it’s not easy to have someone like that around you and your relationship.
I think the best thing is to continue handling this with grace and transparency and tell your partner the whole crochet story . Of course it’s going to spoil your blanket gift surprise, but she kind of has already done that anyway.
So tell him the whole story , continue to make your blanket because it still will be a beautiful surprise when it’s finished.
And between you work out the best way of handling her , her unrequited love and her odd behaviour.
You guys are a team so you can deal with this together .
I wanted to say it was just neurodivergence or difficulty with social cues but that’s… weird.
Especially pairing it with stealing your explanation for crocheted gifts, being unable to see you too together. (I also bet she was a little miffed and surprised you were there and opening the door on his behalf)
Keep making your blanket, but when presenting to BF I would say that you were a little bummed Debbie jumped the gun and forced out her weird baby blanket just to make sure she could be the first to give him a hand made gift. Or maybe wait a little until he thanks you again, but I’m blunt and would wanna get into it right away.
Yeah that would be a nice thing to receive from a friend.. of their own volition and freely given intimate knowledge that they would be the first to do so.
A part of me wants to say she deserves a conversation with BF setting clear boundaries but that’s the sad little girl in me who couldn’t keep friends so that’s really your call.
Even if you weren’t around, I’d BF comfortable with this behavior and attachment? If you were to disappear tomorrow, her behavior and attitude would not change. How long does he want to (perhaps unintentionally) string her along? Some people don’t know how to do what’s best for themselves, he may have to do it for her. Ie end relationship with her
Just make the blanket you want to make and if Tim asks, tell him about the discussion.
Tim seems to be a trustworthy fellow and he’ll have to decide how to respond to her try-hard behavior.
I don’t really believe in best friends where one half of the party has feelings for the other. The closeness is built on hope and sometimes desperation that feelings will be returned and she will treat you poorly and undermine your relationship regardless of whether it causes your boyfriend stress or not. That’s not a best friend. That’s barely even a friend. That’s simply self-serving.
She sounds manipulative and I doubt this will be the last time she acts like this. If your boyfriend is willing to create some distance I think that would be the healthiest thing to do for all parties involved, including her.
Tell him the truth about what happened.
The fact he was so willing to cut her out, maybe he can see she’s problematic. Maybe he wants an excuse to cut her out, but he shouldn’t be using you to do that.
Tell him what happened. And have him confront her: X told me she spoke to you about crocheting and she mentioned she was excited to make X. I appreciate you making me X gift but I feel a bit uncomfortable that you would try to undermine her by doing X. I’ll return the blanket to you next time I see you.
And then stop inviting her to events. Time to cut her off. She needs to know he’s on to her nonsense and it won’t be tolerated.
This is closer to obsession than unrequited love. The blanket thing is sooo weird. She’s obviously competing with you for his attention and affection and doesn’t care how obvious it is.
I would say “hey, a weird thing about that blanket, I told BF that I was making one for you – so don’t he surprised when you get another one”. Or something like that. Don’t just give it to him and wait for him to ask.