This is going to be a long one, and I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.
We have been together for 20 years, 2 kids, own our own home, both work full time.
It has been a long standing argument of his that I don’t show him enough affection or compliment him enough and as a result he says has very little trust in me. I have never cheated or looked outside our relationship at any time. He on the other hand had a 6 month emotional affair (I’m hesitant to use that word but it consisted of sexy messages, exchanging nudes and actual phone calls). He apologised for this when I found out and in a round about way blamed me for him having to reach out to another woman for validation because I never showed him affection. He also says he feels that I dress nicer for work than I do for him which also makes him think I am developing a relationship with another man. Also me not initiating sex as often as he likes (he would say I never do, he has a much higher sex drive than me so I very rarely feel genuinely horny because the time needed for me to do so isn’t reached), we have sex on average 4-6 times a week, and sometimes little teasing times in the mornings on weekends etc.
I will quickly run through my day to try and show you what I do on a daily basis.
Get up early and take our dog for a walk, give my partner a kiss good morning, come home and give my partner another kiss, shower, get dressed for the day, get the kids school lunches packed and get them up and organised, pack his lunch, put a load of washing on, get something out for tea, feed the cat and dog, give my partner a kiss and him I love him and i hope he has a good day, then head off to work (this is in 1 1/2 hours, I start work at 7.30am). His morning looks like this: get up, have a shower, eat breakfast, empty the dishwasher and get the kids in the car to drop off to his mum’s who then takes them to school (our work hours start too early for us to drop the kids off at school and still be on time for work).
I finish work in time to pick the kids up from school, and then head home. Our kids have a few afternoon activities throughout the week, which I do drop off and pick up, so depending on the day I will get home, put the washing out that had been turned on that morning, fold washing from previous day, spend time with the kids doing things that they need doing for school etc or getting them to their sports, get the fire started and bring in firewood for the evening, vaccum the house, and start getting tea ready. I will often stop on the way the school to pick up things that we need from the store or medications for him. I feel I do go out of my way to do things for him to show him that I do care, I have dropped tobacco off to his workplace when he has run out, dropped his lunch off when he has forgotten it and popped in a choc milk and his favorite chocolate bar. He comes home to a tidy house, a homecooked meal most nights, unless we have decided on takeaways in which case I will go and pick them up. He is a trained chef but hasn’t worked in the industry for a long time, and it feels to me will find a way to comment on how I could have made the meal better in some way. Once in the middle of an argument he had arrived home to see me cooking spaghetti bolognese and was upset because we had had the same meal the week before, ignoring the fact that I was cooking for him even when we were arguing.
I will then clear the table, the kids help out here with the dishes, clean the kitchen benches and stove top. I will then get the washing in from the dryer and fold it and pop it away. Feed the dog and cat again, and I’m obviously still available to help the kids with whatever they are doing.
At work, I am expected to reach out to him via text around 10am, if I don’t I am questioned as to why i didn’t. We have a back and forth, how’s your morning etc. Then At 11am I will video call on his morning break. Then at 1pm we will video call for his whole 1/2 hour lunch break, he will then text again at around 3pm on his afternoon break. The messages aren’t just ‘hey, thinking of you, i love you’ . They are ‘what are you up to? What are you doing’. He says that I never have anything to talk about with him and I don’t engage with him in the evenings, I feel that we have talked all day and that it leaves not a lot for us to talk about, we will sit down and play backgammon or cards most evenings and watch tv etc. I do like to have some quiet time so will play a game on my phone or read a book, but he feels that by me doing that I am ignoring him, although he also plays games on his phone or doom scrolls social media. And then comes bed time. I have begun to dread this and that is a horrible feeling. I feel unappreciated and misunderstood in our relationship. I feel that the only physical touch he shows me is sexual, it may start as a hug and very quickly turns to very sexual, it’s not just a quick ass grope, it’s a hand down my pants in between my legs, really explicit sexual affection. This has led me to avoid initiating affection because I don’t necessarily want sex, just a hug. Just to feel appreciated for something other than what my body can offer him.
He is a very bluntly honest person, he will say whatever he is feeling at the time without much thought of how it may affect the other person. His is very direct with the kids and they have started talking to him in the same way he talks to them and of course, he does not like this.
He does say nice things about me but these feel like they are cancelled out by the negative things he also says. He can say some very horrible things in arguments, some threatening behaviour which has caused me to pull further away. There is a feeling of walking on eggshells as he has taken exception to some really genuinely innocent things and blown up about it.
Sorry, I’m rambling but it is a very complicated to put it out in a logical order, but I will try to clarify if needed.
TL;DR: I feel like I am being held responsible for handling my partner’s emotions and insecurities as he says it’s my fault for not being affectionate enough towards him.