I’m a 39-year-old man, and I’m feeling confused about a close female friend of mine (37). Might you please give me advices what to do?
We spend a lot of time together, often go dancing (we’re planning to try Bachata soon), and she occasionally gives me massages — she’s trained in it, but I’m the only person she treats. We’ve had multiple conversations confirming that we’re strictly friends. She’s made it clear in the past that she’s not interested in a cuddle-type friendship. Both of us are in committed relationships. So far, the boundaries have seemed clear.
A few days ago, she had an important public performance. Her boyfriend, as usual, didn’t want to attend. She asked me to come instead, and I did. She was very happy I was there, hugged me several times, and told me she really needed the comfort. Afterward, we took a long walk — talked about various topics, including her sex life — and took photos of each other, which is something we’ve done before.
Toward the end, I started to feel tired and wanted to head home. Just as we were about to part ways, she unexpectedly gave me a speech about how we’re “just friends,” that she acts this way with others too, and that there’s nothing special or exclusive about the way she treats me. That really caught me off guard.
I hadn’t done or said anything to suggest I was expecting more or crossing a boundary — in fact, it hadn’t even occurred to me. That’s why her comment felt unnecessary and a bit hurtful. Yet right afterward, she hugged me again, came back for a second hug, and as she walked away, she turned around to say how “wonderful” the day had been for her.
TL;DR: She insists we’re just friends, and I believe her. But her actions sometimes feel emotionally intimate and confusing. What shall I do?
Comments
She’s blurring the lines while claiming they don’t exist, and that’s emotional whiplash waiting to happen. Protect your peace by setting firmer boundaries because mixed signals in committed relationships aren’t harmless, they’re dangerous.
It sounds clear enough to me. You’re both in committed relationships and she’s acknowledging the platonic emotional intimacy of your close friendship.
The next time this happens, stop everything and tell her that her actions don’t match her words, that you ONLY want a friendship and nothing physical and are puzzled by why she keeps defining the boundaries and then immediately crossing them, IN YOUR EYES.
I think she wants what she wants and calls it what she wants in the moment to have emotional control. I’d put a stop to it because her control tactics do not benefit anyone but herself.
You would do well to only do “side hugs”, as they are traditionally intended to lessen body contact between friends and keep lines straight. My ex side hugs me and it is warm and full of unsexual affection…NO ONE misunderstands what kind of hugs we give one another. Try it. If she questions it just tell her it’s your boundary to keep your friendship clear and defined for everyone, partners included.
Seems like she’s being very vocal about you guys being just friends while acknowledging your level of closeness. I kinda feel like she keeps bringing up how you guys are just friends to avoid something what you’re posting, where you’re taking her comfort to mean something more.
If you’re uncomfortable with the level of intimacy you can discuss with her just so there’s no confusion from anyone.
I would trust her what she says. That probably means she doesn’t have anyone else but I can 100% sure she doesn’t like you to be a partner. Most girls like that are happy in using the male friend — I have seen many cases. If you are looking for a partner, I would just run from her. (Many girls enjoy using boys).
Since you’re in a committed relationship, I’d stay away from her for a few months. She’s saying that stuff for herself and fears that she’s going to push you into an affair.
You have a girlfriend.
The line is fine for you.
She has a boyfriend that ignores her at times some other guy with a girlfriend doesn’t. And that guy gives her an extremely wonderful day instead.
That ‘just friends’ thing was just as likely originated from her reminding herself as any misinterpretation of your actions. Hell more so given the context.
The advice for you is take your girlfriend out…. and take her out more often along with this friend too.
If you care about your relationship with your partner, you need to start backing off. Do your partners know she gives you and only you massages? Sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair.
Maybe she felt like her reaction to you attending the performance might of gone too far (performances get the excitement and emotions going), and she realized that she’s projecting a this could be more attitude. Next time take your GF