We have three kids between the ages of 10 and 16. As a family we share several household chores, including loading and unloading the dishwasher. Usually one person loads it and another unloads it once the cycle is done.
The issue is that whenever it’s my husband’s turn to load the dishwasher, he puts all the utensils in facing up. While that’s not a huge deal for spoons and forks, it becomes a problem with sharp knives. All three kids have complained about getting nicked while unloading knives from his cycle.
When I first brought this up, he said it’s just a habit & apologized. No changed behavior occurred, so I brought it up two more times and he got irritable, suggesting that maybe he should stop loading the dishwasher altogether and just stick to unloading it, since everyone “has a problem” with how he does it. I asked him instead to simply be more mindful and place knives facing down. He’ll do it for a very short while after we argue about it then always reverts back to his old habit.
At one point after a disagreement, he began leaving the knives in the sink instead of loading them at all. He thought this was helpful since we had complained about his method. I told him it’s not fair for someone else to pick up his slack. No one else in the house leaves dishes behind in the sink on their assigned day.
As a compromise, I told him that on days he loads the dishwasher, he also needs to be the one to unload it since he can’t seem to consistently load the knives safely. He agreed. But now he’ll do the loading and then forget or just ignore the unloading part. Clean dishes sit in the dishwasher for days, which forces the rest of us to either hand wash or do his part of unloading. We’re then back at square one of handling his hazardous placement of knives.
I’m honestly sick of it.
He says he’s sick of the whole dishwasher issue and now argues he shouldn’t even have to do dishes since he works full time, meaning he’s home less often and isn’t contributing to the dishes as much as us (not true), and that he’s often tired from commuting and working in the office. That he deserves to relax whenever he’s home. The thing is I work full time too. The only difference is that I work from home, which he refers to as a “luxury.” And I do acknowledge that working from home is a privilege. It’s just the way he frames it like my job is somehow less demanding or that I’m a SAHM that took up some sort of side job to keep me stimulated that is bothersome. This ongoing tension is starting to strain my relationship.
Is this a stupid hill to die on? Should I just let him opt out of dish duty?
Comments
It’s not about the knives, it’s his blatant disregard for the safety issues already happening with your kids and his refusal to make a trivial amount of effort to prevent this. He is also failing to be a team player with housework and dismissing all that you’re contributing with childcare.
Lots of contempt here over what amounts to a very insignificant issue. It speaks negatively to his character and how he views you.
You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. You and your kids are all old enough to avoid poking yourself on sharp knives that are pointing up. Either let the man do the chore the way he wants to do it or quit asking him to do it entirely.
>He says he’s sick of the whole dishwasher issue and now argues he shouldn’t even have to do dishes since he works full time, meaning he’s home less often and isn’t contributing to the dishes as much as us (not true), and that he’s often tired from commuting and working in the office. That he deserves to relax whenever he’s home. The thing is I work full time too. The only difference is that I work from home, which he refers to as a “luxury.” And I do acknowledge that working from home is a privilege. It’s just the way he frames it like my job is somehow less demanding or that I’m a SAHM that took up some sort of side job to keep me stimulated that is bothersome. This ongoing tension is starting to strain my relationship.
It seems to me like none of that happened until you started nitpicking the way he did the chore every time and he got fed up with it.
When a fight goes from the dishwasher to the infrastructure of your entire lives I think it might be time for marriage counseling.
Also I think you can buy locking baskets for knives but in researching the internet said not to put knives in the dishwasher at all.
I also wonder if you let him out of dish duty you should not be around knives at all, but of course I don’t know you. I’m kind of being a smart ass but seriously I don’t get the sense that will bring peace to the household.
The world is on fire these days and you are worried about the way he loads a dishwasher. “I’m honestly sick of it.” Once he masters the way you want the dishwasher loaded, you will move on to a different “irritation”. Sorry, but my advice would be for him to find another woman’s dishwasher to load, one that will appreciate the effort. This right here is why men are avoiding relationships altogether. I hope he finds peace.
Let him unload and not load the dishwasher or let him opt out and have 1 of your kids load and the other unload. This is not worth the hassle.
As a knifemaker, it pains me to know you are putting knives in the dishwasher at all.
Let him opt out of dish duty and replace it with something else or make sharp knives hand wash only, they tend to not do well getting knocked around in a dishwashing cycle anyway. People have already cut their hands because of his dumb habit, if that’s not enough to change his behavior and he’s still picking a fight about it I don’t know that you’ll be able to gently correct his behavior. So don’t die on the hill, so to speak, but he’s shown he can’t be trusted to safely handle sharp knives.
If everyone is on the same page and he’s disregarding it that is an issue. You’re all supposed to be a team. Have you taken the time to him why he loads them that way? I get why he’s irritated, but I also get your frustration in him not willing to do this at everyone’s request.
There could be something else going on here, either that you’re not explaining or that you don’t see at all. A deeper conversation and connection is needed here for you and your husband. Another redditor suggested couples counselling and they’re right. Both of you feel you’re not being heard or understood.
Well for one if that’s what it takes to mess with your marriage then maybe you don’t have a very solid relationship and putting knives up so they can be cleaned is nothing wrong
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=7N0VFaD8ia4KRXJ4
omfg why are your knives going into the dishwasher at all
It might be better to teach the kids to be careful handling knives.
this is a really weird hill for HIM to die on, considering it’s a safety issue. What if he hand washes all the knives on his dishwasher day?
I’m reading comments here and I have to say, sometimes a fight about the dishwasher is just a fight about the dishwasher and does not signal the end of your relationship.
Yes, I think it’s a stupid hill to die on. If he is a good dad who cares about his kids, and does all he is expected to do, is this really that important?
Your husband is using weaponized incompetence to get out of his chore. He also seems blissfully unmoved about the danger to his own children and you when loading knives facing up. Tell him he MUST put the knives in dishwasher correctly, or face consequences. The consequence is that NO ONE will touch anything in the dishwasher except him ever, and if there are no clean dishes to use to cook, you will get take out but only for you and the kids, he will be on his own. I bet he will learn quickly when not getting fed.
Look up weaponized incompetence and see if it applies to other areas in your relationship. That knife thing would drive me crazy. Especially because it isn’t just hurting the knives. It’s nicking people. Who cares about the knives? But if he doesn’t care about his family getting hurt. That’s a big effing problem.
He’s doing it the right way, and you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Also, your kids are 10-16 and getting ‘nicked’ repeatedly? I’d be more concerned about the lack of common sense in your children than how your husband loads the dishwasher. Good god.
He’s being an asshole on purpose. There’s no sense trying to compromise with someone who’s being an asshole on purpose.
If he’s leaving the knives in the sink, it’s out of spite. That’s not absentmindedness. If he can stop to think that everyone has a problem with how he does it, then he could just go ahead and do it right.
Making it about how he shouldn’t have to participate in household chores? Makes it real clear this is an issue of respect and gendered expectations.
The people here acting like doing dishes at all is doing you a favor, or that asking him to be mindful of something is “nagging”, are all part of this weird gross culture war we seem to be in right now, with people wanting to go back to the 50’s. If that’s not you, or your marriage, then no need to put up with it.
If he agreed to load and unload, I’d honestly just switch to paper plates and plastic utensils until he follows through. Or tell the kids not to unload the knives. Load the dishwasher back up with the clean knives still there. If he wants clean accessible knives, he can learn to load them right or unload them himself.
The whole thing is just so irritating. You’re not making a mountain out of a molehill. He’s being an ass, and you and your kids are literally getting hurt because of it. Screw that.
Does your husband have the maturity of a 6 year old? The simplicity of loading knives with the blade down is something a 6 year old can do. And then being told that loading them with blade up is dangerous, and yet he cannot correct his ways… reads like a child or at best an adult that doesn’t give a f*ck. Relationships are about compromise and not denigrating l/insulting the other. I would be marching up the hill with you.
Please read this!!!!
Weaponized incompetence is a tactic where a person feigns incompetence or deliberately performs tasks poorly to avoid responsibilities, often in a relationship or at work. It’s a deliberate strategy to get out of doing something, rather than genuine inability. This can involve pretending not to know how to do something, asking for excessive help, or doing a task poorly so they won’t be asked to do it again.
Here’s a breakdown:
Deliberate Avoidance:
The core of weaponized incompetence is the intentional avoidance of tasks or responsibilities, according to Resilience Lab.
Feigned Incompetence:
Individuals using this tactic will often pretend they don’t know how to do something, even if they have experience or have been shown how to do it before.
Poor Performance:
Another common tactic is to do the task poorly, hoping to discourage others from asking them to do it again.
Shifting Burden:
The ultimate goal is to shift the burden of the task onto someone else, whether it’s a partner, colleague, or family member, according to a therapist specializing in relationships.
Impact on Relationships:
This tactic can lead to resentment, burnout, and damage to the relationship dynamic, according to a relationship counselor.
Examples:
In relationships, this could involve one partner consistently needing help with simple tasks like laundry or cooking, or at work, someone constantly asking for help with basic tasks or doing them poorly to avoid future assignments.
You are micromanaging this man. Your kids are not toddlers. Stop nagging and let him do the chores the way he wants to.
I get tired on his behalf just reading this and I am a woman.